Chapter Two:
“Everyone sees it as the ultimate adrenaline rush. In there, you'd be up there for the rock climbing.
I know someone who stole a tank and took it on a rampage. He had the newspaper article about it framed on his wall and everyone treated him like he was cool in there.”
“I guess I never thought about it.”
“What you need to realize here is what I'm not saying in this....life is upside down out here. Out here, we're trained to think about the victims. In there, everyone's got victims so they don't think about that because they would have to think about their own.
The reason they treat child molesters bad is because they left kids and they realize that fucker could have molested their kid and it stirs up parental emotions in them. It comes out as a hurricane and it's not nice. It's the same with child abusers...however, someone who doesn't pay child support is looked at like he did nothing because there's no crime.”
“It's a whole other psychology.”
“It's a sociopsychopathologic world. Men are more primal in there and it's more explosive dealing with them.
I've learned how to deal with about every disorder, and personality there is by being in there. I know when to ask for help and I can tell you what to expect.
What I can't do is predict what will happen out here because it's totally free range. In there, it's a confined area and you know they're not going to go to the liquor store and mix that crack with it. And in there, you know if they are on crack, meth, heroine, or whatever, it's only that they're on because it costs so damned much.”
“They can get all that in there?!”
“Yeah, but it's lot less for a lot more. I've seen toothpick sized joints in there go for twenty bucks. I've also seen a small shot of heroine go for fifty and a teaspoon of weed go for fifty. With crack, it's about a third of a teaspoon full for a hundred and with meth, it's about that much.”
“What do I do about Jarad?”
“First of all, open up communication. Since he's not written to you, I'd call up there and ask to speak with a caseworker and see if he's there.
When you find the right caseworker, they'll talk with you but won't talk with you...if you know what I mean. The man will say, “Oh Jarad, he's one of our inmates, but I can't tell you if he's here or not because that would be breaking his confidentiality.” SO, what you've got to do is see if you can speak with the man “Hypothetically”.”
“What's that mean?”
“By law, he can't speak with you and tell you he's there. BUT, if he's a decent guy, he'll speak with you hypothetically and tell you IF he had an inmate by that name, he'd have a number of #123456789, and if he HAD an inmate by that name, he'd live in cell #1234 in housing unit ABCD. And if he had an inmate by that name, he'd tell you that inmate had x amount of time before he got out and when his parole hearing would be. Then, that's when I would ask the man what the requirements were for visiting him and he could tell you.
THEN, when you got all that, I'd ask the man if he'd help police Jarad's money.”
“Why?”
“Because you might not have it, but I'll send him seven hundred and fifty dollars. It'll get him a television, radio, and get him some things like a fan to stay cool and a clock. He needs those things and they cost money. IF the man police's his money and will tell you Jarad spent the money on those things, you know he's not using it to get stoned.”
“Oh!”
“I'll tell you now. With him not getting any money from anyone, it's going to be damned rough in there for him. Yes, it's what he needs, but No, it's not what he needs if it's going to build up resentments for him in there.
What I will say is he can only have a max of two hundred and fifty dollars a month. Also, if he ever calls and asks you to send money to someone out here by wire, tell him goodbye and hang up and call that caseworker and request he be put in lock up because he's buying drugs.”
“Is that how they do it?”
“Yeah. There've been few rare exceptions of when I've done it that it wasn't to buy drugs, but for the most part, that's how they do it.”
“You bought drugs in there?!”
“No, I bought people.”
“What?!”
“They were getting abused and it was either kill the person who was abusing them, or buy them. I arranged the deal and bought them.”
“Like slaves?”
“Yeah, they earned me money.”
“My God!”
“Hey, I invested money in them! I was going to make it back.”
“What did you do?”
“I had them running parlet tickets. For every ten packs of cigarettes they got me, I had them earn one cigarette towards their freedom. Two hundred packs was on pack towards their freedom and if I paid two hundred and fifty for them, that pack was two dollars and fifty cents off that bill.”
“My God! They had to earn you a helluva bunch!”
“Yeah, but it sure beat them prostituting and pulling a chain for a pack of cigarettes!”
“That's what they did?!”
“Here's what they would do. More legit ones would go one on one with a punk. If I was handling the transaction, they would only go one on one with the punk and be told the second I saw more than one man go into that cell, I was running in with a mop wringer and beating the fuck out of everyone in that cell. I've done it and I've went in swinging a can of Hormel Chili in a sock and breaking bones, so it was no idle threat.”
“Oh man!”
“But, there would be some who would attempt to sell their services on their own and got abused in that manner. They'd start sucking someone's dick and then he'd say, “I need to go check on something and leave the cell and come back and it would be a different person. They'd do that and do that and pretty soon, the boy would say, “Hey, this isn't the deal I made!” and he'd get told to shut up and suck all their dicks or have the hell beaten out of him. Usually, when he asked for his money, he got the hell beat out of him.
With Chris, Kevin and I knew him and that fucker out there who has the trash service named Ronnie Brownell was his daddy. Ronnie owned a string of boys and he would sell the punk into going to pull a train while having Chris thinking he was only sucking on dick. Ronnie would laugh about it and then would pay someone to go in and beat Chris' ass afterwards for pulling the train.”
“Really?”
“As I said, Kevin and I knew Chris and I told him that when he wanted out, I'd go handle Ronnie. It took about two months, but he finally came to us at supper one night and told us he wanted out and that he knew Ronnie had arranged another train for him to pull.
That night, when the wings opened, I went to Ronnie and said, “I need to speak with you.” He said, “Yeah, I'll be there.” Well, I went to the cell and waited and after ten minutes, I looked out in the wing and saw Ronnie playing poker.
I went to Kevin and said, “I'm about to kill Ronnie.” That's all the warning Kevin got and that's all he needed because I took a shoe lace and went out and went up behind him and used it around his neck and choked the fuck out of him and drug him down backwards off that bench. Then, when he was down, I beat the fuck out of him and drug him into a cell by the lace.
Kevin, by then, had gotten to the guard on duty and diverted his attention so he didn't see a thing, so I was in the clear.
In that cell, I did the toilet torture on him and held him in there face first until I got Chris bought. He made the deal and I went and made the call.
I went to Chris' cell and told him, “You're mine now and the second he thinks he can make you pull that train, I'll have him trussed up in there getting gang fucked.”
He nodded and I went out.
Later that night, I was at the next poker table and I heard Ronnie saying how he was going to gank me for the money. I let it simmer and told Kevin, “In the morning, I'm going in his cell and either he'll shut the fuck up, or I'll slit his throat.”
“Man!”
“It's that way in there. You've got to meet a man's mouth with force. When he brings force, you've got to bring more force. He had everyone snowballed into believing he was something, but he's nothing. I know because I dealt with him out here in high school.”
“Really?”
“He kicked the side of my Caddy. I put it in drive and ran over him.”
“When?!”
“In the eleventh grade. He swears I'm crazy now.”
“I'd think you were too!”
“Well, the next morning, I slipped into his cell at breakfast and woke him up choking the fuck out of him and beating him while sitting on his chest so he couldn't get his arms above the blanket. Then, after I'd beaten him, I told him, “You think you're tricking me? Huh? Well, let's see, I've got a razor here and it's about to slit your throat.
For you comments last night, I'm going to take Chris and I'm paying for Ponyboy. If you don't like it, then I'll slit your throat, and let you die while I set all of them free. So, what's it going to be?”
Well, long story made short, I got them and then bought another after that. I made money back and ended up having to beat Ronnie down again later with a padlock over some stupid shit he did.”
“What was that?”
“He had a bunch of his boys go to our store and buy things thinking I surely couldn't beat all their asses and get my money back. What he didn't count on was when the mama snake sends all it's babies to bite you, you go kill the mama and then one by one kill the babies. Kevin and I went in and beat him down and robbed him. Then, we went to the boys while Ronnie was hogtied in his cell with a shampoo bottle shoved up his ass and we robbed each of them of everything they had of value. No one did a thing and all of the people at Ronnie's poker table got thrown off because we even stole that!”
“What's that mean?”
“Ok, when Kevin first came into the wing, he set up poker tables. He ran the game and backed it. Then, what would happen is he'd lose interest in the tables and he would sell them to people who wanted to run them. It would vary because he'd end up buying them back and running them and then, he'd sell them again.
When Ronnie came into the wing, Kevin sold a table to him without asking me who Ronnie was. By the time I found out he was in the wing, I was pissed he was there and livid that Kevin had sold his table to the man without asking me.
So, we went out and told everyone Ronnie was broke, in his cell hogtied, and had a shampoo bottle in his ass, so if they wanted a free fuck, go get one. Needless to say, they had to run and see and they gave up their seats. By the time they got back, Kevin and I had players sitting there in their spots. The poker table was stolen.
The next day, Ronnie thought he was going to go to war. He bragged at his lunch table and one of Kevin's buddies was sitting at the next table. The man stood up and yelled across the lunch room, “Kevin, this dumb fuck says he's going to beat your ass after lunch!” Kevin stood up and said, “No, he's still sore because I shoved a shampoo bottle up his ass last night and had to super glue it in order for it to find grippin's.” Of course, everyone laughed and Ronnie's reputation sank further.
That afternoon, Kevin went out and broke Ronnie's jaw with one punch and he went to medical. That's all she wrote with Ronnie because Kevin told him he wasn't going to put up with anything like I had. Ronnie slithered away and two weeks later got transferred.”
“What's that mean?”
“It means if you go to the boss, you tell him you're having problems and you want out of there. The boss will ask you what's going on and if you don't tell on someone, then you get your transfer. If you tell on them, you get them locked up and you get killed.”
“Really?!”
“Think about it. You have private eyes in there. They live by selling information. They'll sit and watch the boss man's office door to see who goes in. If someone's name is called on the loudspeaker, they're in trouble. If they're not called and go in, they're snitching. When someone goes in like Ronnie Brown and he didn't get called, it's big news, so everyone gets word and gets leery of him. He can lie all he wants, and he did, but the proof was in the pudding two weeks later when he sold all his boys and got transferred.”
“How can one man have all that many people?”
“Easy, he's got money. I could take two hundred dollars and buy ten people. Or, I could take two fifty and buy one. Or, if they're gorgeous, it will take a lot more.”
“What's the most you heard paid for one?”
“I know for a fact Ricky Davis got paid seven hundred and fifty for Candy. I was there when the transaction got made and I was Ricky's second to insure he got the money.”
“What's that mean?”
“Ok, let's say I'm not legit and I go up to you and say, “I want to buy Jaymes. He's pretty, I think he's going to be hot in the sack, and I want him. How much? You say, “He's not for sale” I say, “Bullshit, everyone's got their price. I'll give you two fifty.” You say no, I wouldn't take five hundred for him, so I say, “OK, seven fifty!”
Now, I'll tell you what, seven fifty is a helluva lot of money in there. It's three month max spending, so it's got to go street to street and it's got to be verified.
However, there's been deals like that which have went down where the person talks out their ass and says they'll pay something and doesn't. That gets him beaten up and both of them go to the hole for fighting. THEN, the one who ran his mouth signs an enemy slip on the one who beat up on him and gets that guy rolled out to another prison.
Mr. Mouth then goes up the hill and says, “He sold you to me in the hole. You're mine.” That rides until the man being transferred gets to another prison and a letter arrives proving Mr Mouth to be a liar.
Rather than put up with that, you, who are selling Jaymes, would have someone come over and say to him, “If I get transferred, you get my money from this bastard one way or another. If he doesn't have anything, you see he wakes up dead. And then, what you do is you guarantee him something like fifty bucks either way.”
“What?!”
“Yeah, Ricky paid me fifty bucks to just insure it would go on through if he got put in the hole and transferred. As it turned out, he got his money, and I got my fifty bucks.”
“But you're not very big!”
“No, but you're forgetting something. A tall man can be brought down and dead by a three inch blade. It doesn't take a tall one to do it. And the fullness of the prisons will tell you not just the big people have the balls to kill someone.”
“I guess you're right.”
“You should really think about what you just did there. You've got friends out the ass and not one person has stepped up to help you with your kids. ALL of them have been afraid.
I do so because there's a soft spot in my heart for you and through that soft spot, I got to know Jaymes and like him. Now there's two soft spots and I'm telling you I'll chip another piece of ice off for Jarad and you just told me I'm not big enough.
Where were all the big people when your kids were getting their asses into trouble? And why is it I had to be the one to tell you Jarad's in prison?”
He came over and hugged me, “I'm sorry.”
“I know you are, but I'll tell you something else. In this brain are the keys to brainfucking about seventy five personality types of men. That's about how many there are...no more and no less. The only thing which changes is the face on that personality.
With Jaymes, he's someone who is there because he was told by that other son of yours the ice was solid. He went out and he fell through. Now Jarad's not there and not caring and I'm donning the waders to go get him...not your police friend who is a piece of shit...not anyone else, but me.
Why? Because I know what it takes. I know the commitment. I know it takes 24/7 when we get him and it takes money. It takes inner strength to say no when they're down clawing at your pant legs for a fix, and it takes inner strength to step back when they're trying to get your cock out to blow you for it. THAT's what it takes, not height.”
“I'm sorry.”
“I know, but I'm going and it's not because I'm pissed. I'm going because anything I might say now will be thought by you as me speaking in anger. You just realize it's going to take educating you to learn how to deal with them when you get them back.”
“Ok”
“I'll tell you now there's two personalities you're dealing with. Jarad is a pitbull. He's up in your face with the viciousness. Jaymes is more deadly because he's silent. You just think of him as a boa constrictor and realize each manipulation is him trying to put himself around you to squeeze you into submission. However, I'll tell you now you need them.
You need them and in order to have them, you've got to be trained. You've got to realize you're the parent and they're the child and when you forget that, or forget your responsibilities, you're in trouble.”
“Ok, so what do I do?”
“You let me bring Jaymes over and get my truck. All I want you to do is open the door and say, “Ok, I was just checking to see who it was. I didn't want anyone messing with your truck.” I don't want you saying two words to him much less one.”
“Why?”
“Because now is not the time. If he thinks he got you to give him the car through me, then he will think it's ok to put all the coils around you. It's not and it's not the time for that. There will be a day when he'll realize you're walking down the street with all his coils around you and you're holding the knife which will take him off you before he can harm you...and you're sitting with Jarad in your lap and hold the pistol which will end those attacks for good.”
“How'd you know about that? Did Jaymes tell you?”
“No, no one said a thing to me. There's a silence there which tells me volumes. There's also a look in both you and Jaymes' eyes when you speak about Jarad which tells me more has went on than anyone knows. BUT, I've heard those police calls on the scanner. How in the hell do you think I knew where you lived?”
“I never thought about that.”
“I knew the problem was there and yet, I did nothing. I was no better than all those friends you've got. Now I'm here and I'm stepping in.”
“Do you think it will work?”
“Yeah, but what I need to do now is go make sure Jaymes' ok...and get Hearnes over there to be sure he's ok.”
“Why?”
“First of all, I'm a sex offender. He could say shit and I'd get locked away. You can't because he's above age, but he can and use it as a manipulation.
Before that manipulation happens, I want Hearnes in there speaking with him and being told exactly what I'm doing so I've got someone inside there who will knock those charges down if they should fly.”
“SO you don't trust him either!”
“I don't trust anyone. Not even you. There's a wall built up in me which says it won't come down for anyone...no matter how close they are and how long they've been there. About the time I think it should come down, it will tell me Kevin was there for fourteen years and look what he did and it'll stay put.”
“I understand.”
“So, before I help, I'm going to insist I'm protected. If I get no assurances from Jaymes, I'll go out, get in my truck, and he'll be allowed to sink under.”
He nodded, “I understand. I don't blame you.”
“I'll tell you now that when I let him slide under, I'll tell Hearnes to arrest him for being under the influence and it'll happen. He'll be taken to the hospital where a blood test will be ran and he'll be found guilty based upon that.
That's called baseline.”
“What's that?”
“Baseline is the line you draw in the sand. It tells you not to come over it, or I'll put you back. It tells him, “Hey, I offered help, but now, I'll offer you problems. Don't come over it again.”
“Do you think it will happen?”
“I can't tell you. In prison, it wouldn't. Out here, there are too many variables. The only way I can be assured is to have him with me at all times and that's not what he needs. We've got to get a base of trust before he comes closer.”
“You know what you're doing.”
“I'm telling you what I'm doing and why. You'll be told all the way because I want you to know why I'm doing it so it's not viewed as manipulative. When I AM manipulative to him, I'll tell you why I'm doing it.”
“Are you going to be?”
“ALL of this is manipulative! You're not getting it!”
“How?!”
“Ok, stand here.”
“What am I doing?”
I moved over and said, “Ok, come over here and stand here.”
He came over and I stepped closer to the door. “Now come over here.”
I went over to the door and said, “Now, come here.”
He came over and I said, “If I told you over there I was taking you to the door, would you have come if you didn't want to? Or, would you come when it was taken in small steps and you were assured it was ok? With them, it takes little steps. They've got to be assured it's safe and they're ok. Each step is a manipulation because it's something they've not done before. It took that to get them where they are and it'll take that to get them back.”
“I'm understanding it a lot better what you're doing. It seems so clear when you tell me.”
“It's clear from the outside. To him, it's not. To Jarad, it's going to be hell getting him to trust me much less think anything is safe for him. That's why it's going to be so easy for him to go back to prison. He's learned he's able to cope and survive in there. He's learned he's able to cope and survive out here in the drug world. Now we've got to teach him he can do it in the business world.”
“Why the business world?”
“Sales are sales. For him, selling is the pay off for what makes him feel good. He needs to know there are things he can sell which bring in more money than drugs. One of those is signs.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, one of those signs up there at the shopping center cost us about two hundred dollars worth of material. It sells for between five and ten thousand. The AutoZone with all the neon cost fifty. It has more time in it, so we're at about seven hundred dollars worth of material.”
“Man!”
“It's all money. None of it gets made unless Kevin and I agreed to make one on spec. which means we agreed together to make it so we could use it as an example. You'd be amazed at how we've done that and used them elsewhere later.”
“You speak about that and it seems so interesting.”
“It is because your held back by your imagination. I made a sign once which was totally different in design. We made it for a used car company because that's what I saw in my mind. We took it to a sign convention and everyone was blown away by it, but at that convention, was an ad exec for a company called Captain D's which is like Long John Silvers. He saw it and low and behold, he wanted it for them. Suddenly, I'm making them twenty five hundred of them and instead of five thousand each, they bought them without all the bells and whistles for seventy five hundred each.”
“My lands! How much was that contract?!”
“Twenty million. We had to deliver them.”
“And you had those sorts of contracts here?!”
“Yeah, we got a lot of those contracts. You'd be amazed at how we came up with contracts like that. All it basicly takes is for you to have the balls to call up a company and say, “Hey, I've got something new I'd like for you to see. I think you can use it and when you use it, you'll be seen as innovative and way ahead of everyone else.”
“And that works?”
“Let me see...So far, it's worked making me over a hundred million for those jumbos up there in West Quincy. I'm now selling that program because I made it and advertise it showing the signs changing while we drive down the street and video taped it. I put that on the website and they watch that and suddenly they want it. All it took was an article in the Lamar magazine and they took off.”
“That's amazing!”
“And believe it, or not, I stole the fucking idea.”
“Where?!”
“I watched a commercial on television for a car. The guy drove down the street and everywhere they went he saw that car. As soon as I saw it, I was like, “Oh man, I've got to do that! And that set about me making the program to do it.
It took work and it took math, but when we got it to work, it was amazing. THEN, I called General Motors and said, “Hey, I want you to see something!” I sent him a video of them with their Chevy truck up there and he said, “Ok.”
And I said, “You didn't pay for those ads. I did it to sell you that ad and just in case you think about using it, it's trademarked all to hell and I've got more lawyers than you can beat off.” He said, “Ok, how much do you want for it?” I told him I'd insist upon a two year contract, but I could get him exclusive use of the signs for that two years for twenty million.
Well, he balked and then, I called McDonald's, Ford, Proctor & Gamble, and a bunch of others. They were more honest and said they'd have to have a meeting.
I guess that's what the GM man did because he came back before them and bought the contract. We swung it and then, all of a sudden, McDonald's came in, and then Mazda came in, and suddenly, I'm signing contracts for signs I hadn't even bought! BUT, with a contract in hand, I can go to a banker and say, “Hey, I need a loan and this is why. He reads it and he sees for less than four million in signs, I've got a twenty million contract. Of course he's giving us the loan! SO, what happened is I put those signs up down by St. Louis. Over by Columbia, out on I-70, and then the article came out toting it as a modern Shaving cream pitch like the old signs they used to have by the highways.”
“I remember seeing pictures of those! You're right!”
“Except that article said how much I was getting in contracts for them and suddenly, everyone was wanting that program! SO, I sold the programs for four hundred thousand each and made them for only the signs they were saying they were using them on. IF they used them on any other signage, they were allowing us to sue them and admitting all fault in the suit already. So, it got real legal and now, on the order forms, you see I've got them telling me exactly where the signs are located and which direction they will be viewed. That way they can't have two jumbos up on that sign and thinking they can get it off.”
He smiled, “And that's how you're making all that money?”
“Yeah, and it's totally amazing me. With each sale, I send them a disc with the program in it and all they have to do is put what the speed limit is for the road and how many signs they're hooking it into. It programs the signs and all you have to do is load the pictures into the program with cut and paste, or drag and drop.”
“It sounds easy!”
“It is, but now I'm going to make it easier and smaller because I want to try something else.”
“What's that?”
“In airports and some casinos, they've got those plasma televisions advertising things. I want to see if I can make them so they change with someone walking. It'd be neat to have a picture of a Whopper and then, the next one would have someone taking a bite and then, the next one would have it with a picture of it with an order of fries and a drink and then, the next would say, “Hungry yet?” And then, the next would say, “This direction and point the arrow” Then the next would say, “You're getting closer. Can you taste it yet?”
He laughed, “You're a nut!”
“Yeah, but it's like it's what you think when you see them. It's the same program except it's at walking speed instead of a fixed speed limit. It has to take account for variables like rest room exits and dodging people and those things, but I think it's neat because instead of the sign saying the same thing, it changes so you think it's aimed at you. You're not realizing that sign just changed from something else it was advertising to someone else in the same way.”
“Oh!”
“The key is the movement. We learned people's eyes traveled to the jumbo when it switched to something else. They're used to it staying the same all the time, so when it switches, it draws their eye and when the next one shows them more of what they saw on the last one, they're instantly thinking, “What the hell?” And then, the third one is the one which hooks them because it becomes amusing and they don't realize by the last one they've watched a roadside commercial and they looked forward to it.”
“Man, that's shrewd.”
“That's money. I'll do what I gotta to get it. Be thankful I focus on that subliminal shit.”
He laughed, “You know Jarad's going to probably be sunk when you take him for a ride and he sees those. If you could get him to see several, you could say, “Like 'em? I designed that program and got twenty million each for them. Now I've over a hundred million in sales and you're thinking your hot shit selling drugs. Tell me when you get to a hundred million because I'll be over ten billion by then.”
“I'll use it. It's using his greed to pull him away from the fire and if it changes his focus, great.”
“I'll tell you dealing with him when he's angry isn't fun.”
“What he saw when he dealt with you guys is fear. I'll tell you he'll see me come out in full anger and take it nuclear before I give an inch.”
“He'll need it.”
“What you should know is there are levels of anger. It's like levels of force. If you throw a pebble, I throw a stone. If you throw a stone, I throw a rock. If you throw a rock, I throw a boulder. If you throw a boulder, I dump a dump truck of boulders on your ass and if you go get the truck, I'm going to blow the damned thing up with you in it. It's all RoadRunner Comedy Hour shit, but the key there is to go nuclear the first time and then he doesn't know what to expect. I've done it more than not, so I know how to do it and then get back into calm serene while he's still recovering. It makes me look pathological and demented. It fucks with his head worse than anything because he thinks, “Man, he could kill me and not even show any remorse afterwards.”
“Did prison teach you that?”
“A guard taught me that. I beat this guy while he was running backwards from me. It was funny because I'm popping him in the mouth and he's running backwards and the guard popped the door to get him out into the sallyport. When he got there, he got chewed out for letting a homosexual beat his ass. Then, the guard called me out and asked, “Did you break a nail sugar?!” Well, it made me laugh and it fucked with that man's head because he saw me go from one extreme to another in an instant. Since then, when I'm in that zone, I think of what he said and I pull out of it in a flash.”
“Do you realize that's not normal?”
“It's not normal, but what YOU don't know is it's not about the force, but the psyche out. Jarad learned he could fuck you mentally with that force into getting what he wants. What he is learning now is he's in the school of misfits where they all got by with that. He's going to learn he can't out force them to do anything, but it takes a smart mind to figure out how to fuck them mentally to get them forced with their own heads.”
“Oh man, do you realize that's wicked?”
“It is. It's like you yelling, “Is that all you got! When he's hitting you because he's not expecting it. Then, you pull out a pistol and start popping caps at him. Suddenly, he's running because daddy wasn't supposed to do that.”
“No, he'd bring a pistol the next time.”
“You're wrong, he'll go to someone weaker next time instead of risking his shit with Dad.”
“Then I've turned the beast loose upon others.”
“Wrong, because here's the cycle it is in. He's going to come home and it's going to be the “Pretend to be normal” time. He'll go to bed and that's when you go in and throw a fucking five gallon bucket of gas on him and say, “The next time that's followed by a match! Don't ever think I won't forget the bullshit.” It teaches him you've went mental and he's not going to be forgotten and to never underestimate you.”
“But that's not right.”
“What's right with your kid thinking he can beat up on you to get money? What you did was you rewarded that behavior when you gave it.”
“He didn't get it all the time.”
“No, because Jaymes called the police, where they went off shaking their heads because you didn't have his ass thrown in the can...whereby, he was rewarded with a save and he was told if he did it again, you'd rescue him again. It happened, and it happened, so where's the lesson except you're a punching bag and he's the puncher. What are you going to do the day he decides to come at you with a knife?”
“I don't know.”
“Well, think about that day happening because he'll be thinking about going back to prison and if it needs to be for a murder, it'll happen.”
“What do I do?”
“First of all, you don't rescue him the next time. He needs to know there are no more rescues getting him out of jail. You break that cycle. If it's with a knife, pull a pistol. If it's with a pistol, have a tazer and shoot the fucker at him, but if I'm here, you don't rescue him when I go nuclear and start throwing his ass around the house.”
“Can you do that?”
“Judo is some amazing shit. When mixed with the mind of an ex-con, I can do more with it than what the masters can. It fucks you worse because my brain is fucking yours at the same time I'm throwing you around.”
“How?”
“Let me show you, I'll be gentle.”
“What?!”
“I said, “Ok, this is an arm throw. You think I'm punching you, but it misses and then, I put it behind your head and yank you off to the side where I throw up my knee and put you over it. You're going down, and you're realizing I've got your arm behind you to ride you on down. Most people stop there.”
He was laying on the floor and I said, “Where I fuck you is I know more pain receptors than you do. Are you aware the hair on the back of your neck is one of the most painful places on a person's body?”
I pulled a little and he said, “Ow!”
“Yeah, and it'll get you doing whatever I want, but to enforce that, I'm going to make sure you know, I know, the nose is one of the others when I ram your face in the ground. It fucks with you because suddenly, anger turns to pain and blood and they're going, “Holy Shit, I'm hurt!” whereby they're suddenly turning into that little child and seeking comfort.”
“Wow!”
“Roll over.”
He rolled over and I said, “Here's lesson two. You're now able to punch me, kick, and fuck me up if I let you. What you need to know is the power of the diaphragm on your opponent. If you punch here, going up, it's pain, it's fucking up their breathing, and it's showing them you know how to go for the disablement of them if you want.”
“And then what?”
“First of all, never stand where you can be hit or kicked.”
“Ok”
“BUT, never walk away because that puts them on the offensive to get up and come back at you. Always make sure you're capable of getting away without being chased. Kick them hard in the nuts, drop to your knee on their ribcage, and punch them in the nose. It's pain, disablement, and pain. After that, he's not going to come at you when he gets up.”
“What if he's learned Judo in prison?”
“He won't have. How do you think I was able to beat so many while in there? And why do you think they stopped showing Karate Kid movies in there? It's because I watched them like there was a major test the next day and I studied them, practiced them on a hacky sack, and then, learned how to zone out pain so when it was used upon me, I could still remain on the offensive.”
“How's that?”
“If you get kicked in the nuts, what happens?”
“You bend over and all you have is like it wants to double over and put you into mind for puking.”
“So puke! Aim it! And use it as a weapon. Instead of thinking about that pain, lunge out of that bend over and use that lunge with a fist that has some force behind it. Whatever you do, don't stay there and be a target begging for more punishment use it and go for the kill.
Ok, I didn't know this was going to turn into a self defense class, but I'll teach you dirty tricks.”
“Why?”
“Because MEN expect you to fight fair. They expect you to advance on them fairly. When you do, you're going onto their turf and you're at the disadvantage.
What you do if you walk up to someone is the unexpected. It fucks with them mentally, but it's hard for them because they're weaker because of it. Now, what did I teach you with the jumbotrons?”
“I don't know, what?”
“Eyes follow movement.”
“Ok”
“Now, if I was clear out here and grabbed my crotch, you'd be thinking, “He's an idiot!” but, if I'm in close here where you have to look down, suddenly your eyes are following my hand because I might have a knife in my belt, but it makes his eyes fall down and with that, he's lost the focus on my hand and he's receiving the blast which will knock him into the past. Or, it can have you doing that judo move.”
“Okay!” he said smiling.
“There are a lot of those moves. One thing I learned was to watch others when they fought. One thing which stayed consistent was they were predictable. Kurt always hugged when he fought, Gary always fought with wide punches which were roundhouses, Kevin always punched upwards, etc...etc...etc... All of them did it over and over and over. I watched and I learned to use it as their disadvantage because I wanted that advantage if I should go up against them.”
“Smart, it's like watching game tapes.”
“Yeah, and what I learned is when someone pulls me in like this, they're not wanting to fight. They're really wanting a hug, but what can you do objectively this way except get your ass kicked?”
“I don't know, what?”
“First of all, use your knee...to his balls. Second of all, if you can't use that knee, head butt him in the face. It hurts. USE whatever you can to be the weapon at that moment to make another moment where you can use something else.”
“Oh, ok!”
“It's hard to get a moment when you're laying on the ground in pain. Be sure you're putting them down there instead of you. BUT, for you, don't ever think of your house and not think defensively again. Where did most of your fights with him start?”
“Here in the living room. He'd start sitting on the sofa and asking for the money. When I said no, he'd lunge at me on the chair.”
“Ok, so move around your living room and make your chair over there. Then, if he has to be angry, you're over there and he's got to give you advance notice he's going to attack. My advice is to get a tazer. Put it by your remote and when he comes, you pop him back on his ass doing the dying cockroach quiver. When he comes up, he's going to definitely realize daddy's not in the mood to play anymore and the police are on their way.
THIS IS YOUR HOME, not his wrestling ring!”
“Do you think he'll come here when he gets out?”
“No, because he's going to have to go to a halfway house before that. They're not going to move him out of state unless he's got Missouri willing to take him.”
“Oh!”
“Before that happens, I'm going to be in there establishing the fact that I want him in South Carolina and I've got a place for him which will have plenty of rehab opportunities.”
“Why?”
“You taking him here is putting him back where he's comfortable in that zone of making his living selling drugs and extorting money from you. It's a sure fire way to get him back in prison and it's a definite lose lose. They won't go for it.
You have to think about the way they think. They actually do want them to get out and make it. They don't pay taxes if they're in, and it's not a good thing for their statistics if he comes back. So, they're going to do what they can to make it work for him.
When you think about that, you've got to take it to them so they can see you've got a genuine plan for his betterment. I'll tell you one of the worst things in the world you can say to them is, “Oh, I'm sending him to college!” Because it's telling them you're sending a known drug dealer to college where he's going to make it bad for nice boys and girls.”
“Oh!”
“However, you can't say, “I'm putting his ass on my farm and he's going to work from sunup to sundown” either. They'll look at you and say, “Well, we certainly know how he got in here!” and you won't get him.
Instead, you go to them telling them, “I realize he's got problems and the key to his problems is intervention and rehabilitation.” They'll ask you what you've got in mind and if you tell them, “I think my son's problem is what can be used for his benefit and that's him feeling good about himself when he makes a sale.
Rather than him selling drugs, I'll have him selling signs and here's a business who's willing to make it possible. Here's their track record for working with ex-cons, and there's a list of ex-cons they've helped and ALL of those guys have stayed out of prison, went on to have homes, lives, families, and have learned their bond is their brotherhood of stepping to help each other when they see something going on.”
“Really?!”
“Yeah, there's nearly seven hundred people working out there. Out of that seven hundred people over a hundred and forty are ex-cons.”
“I didn't know that! But then again, I didn't know you had that many people working out there either!”
“That's because you're not realizing I'm hiring families and not just individuals. If I've got Billy Bob on a sign crew, his wife Martha working in the sign shop or on a cleaning crew, and their kid Junior on a landscaping crew, it's three in one house.
Usually, I've got Billy's brother Bobby, their Dad, their uncle, their grandma and whomever and all of them are happy.”
“Is that why you do that?”
“Think about it. If I don't hire relatives, I've got to find seven hundred individuals. They've got families and it's a friggin' mess on the parking lot and everywhere afterwards from when they arrive.
What I've found is if I give them benefits, they're using Billy's insurance for the hospital and they're not using Martha's, so at the end of the year, the insurance company is looking at us and smiling. Our insurance goes down and they keep everything the same.
When they think about raising something like co-pays, I'm there and saying, “Hold up a second, we'll shop around. I'll get back with you because you just made me into a loose cannon and I'm about to fire you.”
They don't want that, so they call home office and say, “Hey, this guy's numbers are good and he's about to drop us for MetLife and as a way of memorial, I'll be invited to the Peking Duck supper to be sure to let me know that damned duck is dead to him.”
He laughed, “Oh man!”
“I actually used that on the guy once. He laughed too. Needless to say, our insurance is way down and I make sure I post the numbers and have everyone knowing it.”
“Why?”
“Because if you know your employer's numbers, you can speak with me and I can speak to the duck and he can call home office and say, “What can you get me for them? This is what their numbers are.” Then, he can come in and see if he can get better deals.”
“Do you get them?”
“I get offers all the time. I shoot them the numbers and then, I say, “I get this from our guy. Lower it by twenty percent or don't call me back. If you think I'm going to fall for the bait and switch, you do need to know I know the state's attorney general's phone number by heart.” Needless to say, they know I know my shit when it comes to insurance and don't sell us fruit salad.”
“I take it you got burned?”
“Hartford Insurance. For the first two years, while we were building up that place, we had three hundred employees and less than one accident a quarter. For us, that was damned good because we work with sheet metal and that's dangerous stuff.
When I was sold the policy, I was told they wouldn't raise it if we were below three. I remember repeating it to the man and thinking at the time, “I need to get that in writing.” but I didn't.
Then after the second year, they came and said, “We need to raise you fifteen dollars a person.” And I asked why. They said, “It's across the board.” I said, “Ok.” and took the fucking. Then, the next quarter, they came and said, “It's five dollars and I said, “No, it's goodbye.” and hung up.
That's when I called around and Jimmy Latta came out and sat down with me. I showed him the files and all my paperwork and he said, “Ok, here are your numbers. When you want a quote, this is what you want to give us.”
I learned and I got insurance from him and he gave me a way better deal than we'd ever had. When the Hartford man came in, I said, “Here are my numbers. I've ran them and this is what he can get me for it. Can you tell them I'm not paying that and they better realize I'm signing on with them?”
I'll tell you the man stared at me and it was like a vampire seeing a cross because he knew I now knew what I was doing and that he'd been screwing me for nearly sixty five hundred dollars a month because he had that fifteen I was paying and then the twenty I was being overcharged all along.”
“Oh man, that adds up quick!”
“And he was asking for another seven fifty a month by asking for that five dollars!”
“It sounds low when you are told the little amount.”
“Yes, but I write the checks, so I know that big amount is where we're at.
Now, with insurance, it's not just your numbers which get you better deals. Let's say, I have these numbers and I keep them level. You'd think, “Well, his rate will stay the same, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Wrong. It's showing I'm staying stable and my workers aren't being subjected to more dangerous things. They look at that for a duration and when you go into a five year plan after five years, your rate goes down with the same numbers. If you get out there to ten years, your rate goes down again. BUT, what you don't know is your employer is the one who has the power to get you better things and not that insurance man.”
“How?”
“Ok, I heard co-pays were going up all over the place. It scared me because I know they're really making their money by saving money and making the workers pay what they normally would have to pay.
I called the home office number and told them, “IF you're going to make my workers pay more, let me know and I'll shop the numbers around. When I find someone who is lower, I'll not only call you back and want those numbers, but I'm going to ask for twenty percent less than him.”
“Why the twenty percent?”
“Ok, here's where that comes from. Let's say you sell me a policy. I happened to hear once you're only making ten percent on that policy. SO, I'm not going to make it ten percent so your home office doesn't know. I'm going to make it twenty so home office has to give it back and not you.”
“Oh!”
“SO, I told her that and she's running my numbers and she said, “Ok, this is what I can do. Your co-pay isn't going to change. Your rates you pay aren't going to go up. In fact, I can get them cheaper if you'll go into our five year plan.” Of course, you know the question I asked...”
“Are they going to raise it continually during that five years?”
“No, I'm asking her, “Let's say you lock me into this rate. At the end of that five years, what am I going to be offered to hang onto this policy?”
You see, I'm not looking for the rate she's willing to sell me, but looking to see if I can talk her down more.”
He laughed, “Oh man!”
“Hey, it worked! What can I say!”
“What'd she say?”
She said, “Well.....I do have this plan over here, but it's not really saving you money. It's offering you more, for about the same money, but your co-pay is five and ten instead of the three.”
“What was it?”
“Well, think about this. If I am your boss and I go in and say, “Ok, you've got a plan here which makes you pay fifteen percent of that hospital bill, but you get your scripts at three bucks.” You're going to nod your head and say, “Yup, that's what we got.”
BUT, if I say, “I've got another plan thrown at me which is better for you and here's what they do. They pay ninety percent of the bill and if you go to a doctor on their plan which isn't out here at Hannibal Regional but up at Quincy where it's better, you only have to pay five percent because they pay the rest. IF YOU DO go out here to Hannibal Regional, things stay the same at that eighty five percent, so go there if you need emergency care, but go to Quincy for that surgery or whatever. BUT, here's what is different. You get glasses and you get dental with this plan, but in order for me to get it, you've got to give up the co-pay of three dollars and take five for generic and ten for name brands. What do you think?”
“I'm sure they took it.”
“Oh hell yeah! BUT, guess what!”
“What?!”
“I got wise to this shit. I called around and I started talking to some owners of other companies like Big River, Peters, Eagle Autobody, Action, and Metalboro and told them, “Hey, I've got this deal and I want to know what you're paying and if I'm doing good.”
Of course, they wanted to know who I spoke with because they didn't have it nearly as good. And that's when I said, “Ok, let's call them and see if we can make this plan fit in so we're all on the same thing.”
So, I called back this girl and I said, “Ok, here's what I've done. I've spoken with other employers who have comparable or better numbers than mine and we want to know if we pool our employees into a large group, can your company get this for all of us?” And she said, “We do that for individuals all the time. I do know we do it for smaller companies, so what I'll do is I'll have our salesman get together with you and those people and I'm sure he'll have the go ahead here.”
I asked, “If I get all these people to sign on, do I get anything? I mean, I'm selling your insurance here and I'm in the sign business.”
She laughed and said, “Let me ask a supervisor. How many employees total in that group?” I told her it was fourteen hundred and something because a lot of them are small.”
“Right.”
“Well, she said, “If you can get that number up over two thousand, I do know you can get an added bonus on that.”
Of course, my mind was running rampant and I'm thinking, “Ok, who do I know and how can I get this number up! Well, I called my Dad and he gave me the number for Mark Abels and Steve Ayers. I called them and told them and suddenly, I had it up to about five thousand.”
“Man!”
“So, I call this chick back, and she says, “My goodness, business must be slow there!” I said, “Everything stops when I'm on the hunt for a dollar bill. All the clues keep pointing me back to you!”
He laughed, “Oh man, what a come on line.”
“Well, you know how it is. They don't like you when you're little, but when you make it grow, they get interested.”
He laughed, “Ok.”
“When I had those numbers, she suddenly said, “Let me get someone from here out there. Your salesman there can't get you what he can.”
I said, “Ok, but he's buying dinner because all these people are going to expect me to buy.” She laughed and said, “Tell them here's the date he will be there. I'll leave it at this discretion whether he's buying or not.” I said, “Ok, but I'll leave it at mine and my people here whether we sign on that line until after he picks up the tab or doesn't, so tell him to bring milk money.”
He laughed, “You're a nut!”
“Well! What I did was he called soon after and I told him what I had and told him we were meeting at TJ's Supperclub in the private dining and we weren't signing until after he did his pitch and picked up supper. He said he'd buy supper, but he couldn't buy drinks. I said, “Ok, bring an appetite because it's on you!”
As it turns out, we had the dinner and everyone signed on the wagon for it and we got a sweet deal. What it's taught me is never give up asking them what the better deal is and don't be afraid to go get it. I used the hell out of it and because I went out here to this hospital for my beating, I had to pay that fifteen percent.”
“That stinks!”
“Well, I'm the one who took that deal. I wasn't in a position to say much about going to Quincy at the time.”
I stood up and said, “I do need to go get Jaymes the car.”
“Tell him I do love him.”
“He's been told that already. I know you do and I know why you drew the line. I do think you're lumping him in with Jarad, but I understand you put up total defenses instead of putting them into different classifications.”
“You're probably right.”
I left and drove the car over. I'll tell you driving a car at night you've never driven before and aren't used to driving is terrible. When the car is a rolling heap of junk which has brakes squealing and pulling to the left and a seat which can't be sat upright, it's just terrible compounded. BUT, when I got there, you would've thought I gave him a Rolls!
“Here's your car. Don't make me drive it again.”
“Oh! Thank you!”
“Thank your Dad. He's the one who made the decision. Now, I need you to drive me to a gas station because it needs gas. You might as well fill it and check everything to see what it needs because I know it needs brakes.”
“It does, but I never had the money.”
“You're going to need to get some clothes, so I've got to take you shopping tomorrow.”
“Why?”
“At eight am, you've got an appointment with Charley Jaynes. He's going to give you an x-ray and see what it's going to take to fix your teeth. Then, we're going to make that appointment and if I know Charley and since he knows I've got the money to pay for it, he'll make it relatively fast that you get it done.”
“What's that mean?”
“It means I grew up with the guy and when I needed work, he did it. When I needed the best, I called him because while you're there laying with your mouth open and he's bent over looking in it, I'm going to strategically plant a chair where I can look at his ass!”
He busted out laughing, “So this is for you to lust on the man's ass!”
“Ok, you talked me into it!”
He laughed again and asked, “How's my Dad?”
“As fine as ever and his ass is fine as ever too.”
“What's that mean? You two had sex?”
“No, it means I rolled him all over the place, got him into some weird but unusual positions, but we kept our clothes on.”
“Why'd you do that?”
“I'm teaching him self defense. He needs it.”
“Why?”
“Because with some luck, we might have he and Jarad speaking and you and he speaking when this is over.”
“He stopped speaking to me, I didn't stop speaking to him.”
“I know that and don't get so defensive! He put you into the same classification as Jarad because you stole from him.”
He looked hurt. “I had to!”
“No, you could've went to a gas station and held it up. You went there because you knew it was safer and he's sure made it safer for both of you to steal from him.
That stops. You boys need to know your Dad isn't the one who's going to pay for your drugs and he now knows the day he ever keeps you two out of jail again, I'm going to put a foot off in his ass for doing so. If you want to steal from him, you need to realize it's going to be jail time just like you would steal from me, or that gas station, or anyone else who you supposedly don't give a fuck about.”
“I was needing it.”
“No, you were wanting it. You were wanting it because you didn't know how to handle things different.”
He shut up and stared at me. I said, “Tell me another one because I'll call it down too. When I was “NEEDING” that drink, I took the time to go buy it. All that time, I had nothing else on my mind but getting it.
Isn't it funny that when I was in that prison needing that drink, I could've crawled over that fucking fence and got it. I didn't. I learned how to do without and I learned how to live without it. But, the option was always there and the price for that drink was another five to twenty.
Amazing, isn't it! I'm doing what I can to teach you that you can do without it and you're trying to convince me that you need it and do that time.”
“Is that what you think?”
“That's you're trying to play me into giving it to you when you need it? Yes. That you want to go to prison? It's your option. I don't want to see you go, and I think it'd be nice if you didn't go, but as I said, it's your option.”
“I don't want to go. You're showing me how to start thinking about my future in a way I've not thought before.”
“I'm trying to teach your whole family different ways of thinking about things you've not thought before. Your Dad is learning and so are you. He now knows you're not Jarad and he knows Jarad isn't you. He knows in order to get respect and to be respected, he's got to give it and he's got to demand it.”
“It wasn't him. I've never been mad at him.”
“Who are you mad at?”
“Jarad.”
“Why?”
“He's always been popular. He's always been able to go and be cool. He's always been able to be the one who could go out with people and be able to find someone to date.
With me, I've always been afraid to tell people I'm gay. I've always wanted to be liked by some of the guys I thought were cute, and when he invited me to a party, I took that chance. I did the drugs and I felt better.”
“Because you were able to forget that you're better looking, and you're able to get everything you want because you weren't afraid to be yourself. You could say what you felt and you could blame it on the drugs later. AND, if it got you laid and the guy didn't like you, you could blame it on the drugs and go on about life.”
He stared at me, “For a large part of that, yes.”
“Hmmmm, booze did it for me. No wonder it's my best friend and no wonder, I loved it so much I was able to let it take me to prison. But you know what? You're able to tell me all those things and I'm not holding a crack pipe and I'm not telling you that your fucked up for thinking that.
What I am saying is you're fucked up for thinking you need a crack pipe to tell someone that, and do all that because you're a helluva good looking kid with plenty of hope and a great future...if you'll take it WITHOUT a crack pipe.”
“How?”
“First of all, we need to get gas. Us sitting here in a gas station sitting and talking instead of getting it is going to have that man thinking you took me to a helluva spot for a date.”
He laughed, “I've still got the twenty, I'll buy it.”
“Keep the twenty, I've got a BP card. I'm sure Boone would love me to pay him some money.”
“Who?”
“Boone Pickens. BP. An old dude who is really awesomely nice.”
“He gay?”
“God no. He's a sweetheart, but not gay.”
I went over and put the pump so it would pump premium.
“Don't do that! This is cheaper!”
“When you get it half full, stop it and put in the cheaper. It evens out and you have the same number as that but it costs less”
“Wow! I never thought of that!”
“That's how you trick a Rolls Royce into thinking you're rich. It doesn't know the difference. All it knows is it likes that nozzle in that hole.”
He laughed, “You're crazy!”
I opened the hood and checked the oil, looked at the wiper fluid and checked the tranny fluid. Then, I went in and got two quarts of oil.
“He's going to stop it at half full and put in the other half with the cheap stuff.”
The guy nodded, “Ok, I'll ring you up for this and that separately.”
“Nope, put that on the register and ring it up all at once. If this card gets used twice at the same place, you won't get that second amount. I travel everywhere and they've got a block on it for me.”
“Oh!”
“It helps to know the owner of the company.”
“Yeah, driving that car, I bet you do.” he said with a scrunched up nose.
“Let's see.”
I pulled out my wallet and said, “Boone Pickens. We went fishing in the Gulf of Mexico. I hate fishing in a boat, but I like the guy and wanted to make an impression. I did, I stayed in the boat.”
He laughed, “You fall out of them?”
“I did when we were fishing up at Molson. They had a dinky boat and had us out catching these fish which have teeth and don't think they're dead when they get pulled in. It came at me like jaws and I jumped back and needless to say, someone was behind me, so we both went in. The rest of that week, I fished from the dock.”
He laughed, “Was it him that you knocked in?”
“No, but he heard the story and came over to see all of them we'd caught. He found out you can catch fish on shore and drag them up and beat them to death before they think they gotta kill you back.”
He laughed, “He's done.”
I said, “Ok, make me swipe the card.”
He did and I said, “I met Boone through that and thought I was rich. Little did I know that man probably gives away more than I have thinking I'm rich.”
“I don't know him.”
“No, but you'd know someone who was cool if you did. He's the coolest old dude I know.”
I went out and handed him the oil. He looked at me and the car and said, “I don't know where it goes.”
“Come here. You see that yellow cap with oil on it and the funnel? That's where it goes. You unscrew that unscrew this and then screw it by putting it in the hole.”
He laughed. I said, “Yeah, I'm a nut.”
The oil went in and I rechecked it. It was a little full, but I still showed him the stick. That's where it goes. You pull it out, wipe it off, stick it in, pull it out, and then read it. You're due for an oil change too. That oil is black.”
“Isn't it supposed to be?”
“Nope, brown. When it gets black, it's too old. We'll have your brakes fixed and the oil changed when we have everything else looked at. You need a different seat in it.”
“That got broke when one of those girls at work pulled on it.”
“And you didn't make her walk?!”
“She's not been riding around with me since.”
“I'd say not!”
He smiled, “You're very into your cars, aren't you?”
“I was told once that you're car is an extension of yourself. If it's in order, you're in order. If it's filled full of trash, so's your life. If you let people mistreat it, you let people mistreat it and so on and so forth. If you mistreat it, it will make you walk and you won't have to worry about it.
Until then, I let people do what they wanted with my cars. My boyfriend chose when to trade them, my Mom went four wheeling in my 'vette out at the Bay, and came back with it all muddied up, and people did whatever they wanted and I didn't care while riding around in them.
When I heard that, I took a look at my life and slammed on the brakes. Since then, my cars have been impeccable, my homes have been impeccable, and everything stays in tip top shape.
When my house started getting robbed, I went cheap and put in a security system. It repaid me by not catching the next one who broke in. THEN, I went expensive and put in top of the line stuff and it repaid me by catching Joe, but I didn't watch the tape.
Now, I don't allow anyone to have the code and no one stays in my houses...but, I'm thinking about changing that tonight.”
“Why?”
“Because I told Charley I'd be out there at eight am. If I get my truck, I'm going to see you go and Lord knows what time I'll get you up if I go over and bang on the door and you're not up.”
“I'll be up.”
“I've been able to trust you so far. I'd like to be able to trust you.”
“Why?”
“Because I've got you figured out and I like what I've figured.”
He smiled, “Thanks.”
“Let's go get my truck. Don't be surprised if your Dad doesn't speak to you.”
He looked hurt, “Why?”
“Because I told him not to. It's not time for it.”
“Why not?”
“Because, I want you to learn more about yourself. I want you to be able to apologize to him and mean it. I want you to be able to tell him what you told me and mean it. I want you to be able to open up that line of communication with him and tell him what you think about anyone you're with and why you feel that way.”
“Even if it is you?”
“If you told him what you thought about me, he'd probably tell you what he felt about me and how would you feel about that?”
“How would you feel about that?”
“I asked you first.”
He asked, “Do we have to go there right now? I want to spend more time with you.”
“Ok, but would you answer that question?”
He smiled, “I'd feel weird. If I told him what I'm starting to feel for you and he told me what he felt for you, I'd feel like I lost you. I don't want that.
I think I would feel jealous, hurt, and confused. Well, I'd probably want to go get something to smoke.”
“Because of those feelings?”
“Because I'd be losing again. Now, how would you feel about it?”
“You telling your Dad, or your Dad telling you about his feelings?”
“Both.”
“If you told your Dad what you felt about me, I'd see it as a stride in the right direction for you. If he told you, I think it'd be a stride in the wrong direction for him.”
“Why?”
“Because the way I see it, I'm not what either one of you need.
You DO need to learn to tell him about your feelings, dreams, desires, and gain that communication with him. He needs to have the same with you, but for him to admit feelings for someone who is wrong for him isn't a good thing.”
“I noticed you say you're not what I need, but I didn't hear you say you were wrong for me.”
“I can't say that. Not for the reason you think, but for the reason I mean it. You need me and you might want me in other ways, but what I think is when we get to a moment where you figure out why you needed me, you'll realize you don't want me anymore. By then, you'll be at the stage where you can get whomever you want, go whatever direction you need in life, and become the person you want doing it.”
“I need someone who will tell me what is real and not fill me full of bull doing it.”
“Yes. That's called trust in a relationship. It's called a violation if you don't get it and don't give it. If that person is so insecure they can't take the criticism, then you sure don't need that person.”
“What if I told you I think you're a babe without the facial hair.”
“I'd tell you you're probably right and I'm thinking about getting my face lasered so it doesn't grow.”
“Why that? Why not just shave it?”
“Running a razor over the scars isn't a bright idea unless I want nicks. The reason I grow the hair is to cover the scars, but now I'm more settled with them and think they've faded enough I can cover them with a tanning booth.”
We got out to their house and I said, “It's your choice if you're coming to my place or going to the motel. I'm not telling you that you can't, but I'm not telling you that you can. If you don't, I'll be there to get you at about seven thirty. Be ready because we're going to get breakfast before we go.”
“I need to brush before I go out there.”
“I'm sure he's seen crap in people's teeth before.”
He laughed, “I'll wait and eat after I see him.”
I shut the door and Jeff opened the door. “Oh! I'm glad to see you made it.”
“Driving that car, I'm glad I made it period! It's a piece of crap!”
“What's wrong with it?”
“Needs brakes, a seat, and an oil change. When you hit the brakes, it puts you into the oncoming lane.”
“What!”
“The front rotor on the driver's side is shot.”
“Tell him to park it and I'll get it fixed.”
I went over to the driver's door and opened it. “Your Dad says to park it and he'll get your car fixed.”
He looked hurt. I knelt down. “Hey, he's doing this because he loves you and he wants to make sure you don't get hurt driving it. Those brakes need fixed and he's willing to do it for you. Look at that as something in the right direction.”
From behind me, I heard, “Jaymes, I'm not telling you to park it for good. I'm telling you I'll fix it so you're not hurt.”
He looked up at his Dad and said, “I'm sorry.”
“I know.”
He stood up and his dick went right into my face. I don't think he noticed because they were hugging.
I backed up and stood. “My God you two look alike!”
Jeff laughed, “He needs to put on weight.”
“Yes, we're working on it.”
Jaymes said, “He needs to lose some. I'll put twenty on if you'll take twenty off Dad.”
Jeff laughed, “Trying to tell me I'm fat!”
“I'm telling you I'll work out to build up if you'll work out to slim down.”
Jeff hugged him again, “Rhette's getting us memberships to the Y. I've got one for the college, but you need one.”
I said, “Tomorrow, look at your schedule and see what you've got for noon. You should have a lunch hour. We'll stop by McDonald's to get salads and fruit if you'll save us a table up there.”
“Where?”
“At the Y. Then we can go in and get worked out and then into the jacuzzi and sauna. Then, to the showers, and you can go back to work.”
“How long with that take?”
“Probably an hour to an hour and a half. It depends on the work out.”
“I don't think I can take that long.”
I turned to Jaymes, “Go get your swimming suit. You'll need it.”
He looked at Jeff and Jeff put his thumb over his shoulder. Jaymes went running to the house.
Jeff turned to me, “What just happened there? You sent him in for a reason.”
“I don't know if he's as hurt as I am right now, but if you aren't there for lunch and that work out and showing your son he's important to you, I'll be at that college raising six kinds of hell with you.”
“You're mad at me!”
“I'm hurt. Tomorrow, I'll be mad. He's your son! He's making milestones and we had a long little talk and he told me some things which are blowing my ass out of the water.”
“About how he feels for you?”
“About telling YOU how he feels for me! He wanted to know how I felt about it. He's ready to start giving you honesty completely about himself and he wanted to know what I thought. I asked him what he would think if you told him how you felt about me and he said he'd feel like he was losing again.”
“What's that mean?”
“It means he's judging himself by how Jarad is.
Apparently, Jarad's Mr Popularity and more outgoing. I imagine he is because Jarad's straight and doesn't have to hide who he is. Now Jaymes knows you know and he's wanting to build upon how he feels about things.”
Jaymes came out and asked, “Dad, can I get some clothes?”
Jeff turned around, “Yeah, get what you need.”
Jeff turned around and said, “IF I told him how I felt right now, it'd be telling him this is killing me. Seeing him that skinny and his teeth!”
“I tried to forewarn you.”
“Rhette, I don't have that money to give you to pay for them.”
“I didn't ask for the money.”
He looked at me and had tears in his eyes, “I'm going to say something and I don't want you hurt.”
“Ok”
“IF you hurt him, I'll be there to do what I can to hurt you worse.
When you left, I found myself at the stove humming. I can't tell you how long that's been since I've done that. Now, I know I can't have you and it's best for him TO have you and I don't know what to say except as his father, I've got to step back and tell you I don't want him hurt through this.”
“Hon, he's going to be hurt. I'll tell you that now. I'm what he wants, not what he needs. He needs what I can do for him now, but if I do this right, he'll find out I'm not what he needs or wants. When the day comes, my job will be done and he can go on with his life.”
“What if that doesn't change?”
“If it doesn't change and my feelings are allowed to grow, then I can't rule out anything. It's shitty of me, because I'm allowing someone who wants me back home to feel violated.”
“Oh!”
“Yeah, I can't have either of you. It'd be nice if I could take him out there and meet up with him because they'd be good together.”
“Why?”
“Because Jessie is someone who would be patient with him and be willing to build up things right. I'd love to think I'm what he needs, but I'm a geezer.”
He laughed, “I can tell in his eyes he thinks you're not. I'll tell you now I think you're not.”
“It's good plastic surgery. That's it. The rest of this frame has miles on it...believe me.”
He laughed, “Don't we all.”
He looked towards the door and then back at me, “Don't rule it out. I know you're thinking with your mind and trying to overrule your heart, but I also know your heart is telling you things. Don't rule it out.”
“This is tough.”
“I know. It's damned tough.”
I looked towards the front door, “You have your ass there to work out.”
“I'll do it, but don't be surprised if I don't have my soccer team there.”
“Oh great, what's that little thing pointing out in your Speedo Rhette? Oh nothing, I just saw that latin guy go by and he's looking like a fucking God. I guess I've got an ingrown hair.”
He laughed, “I'm still trying to figure out which one it is. There are several on the team which are super fine.”
“Oh great! I see one which looks like an Adonis and you're telling me you've got a crop of them over there. How you manage to coach without wood, I'll never know.”
“They're students. I tell myself that and keep on with what I need to have my mind on.”
“You're made of stronger material than I am then. I'm trying my best to keep my mind on what I need to and you tell me not to rule it out what's in my heart. IF I told you that, what would your heart say?”
“It'd say I need to retire and break my son's heart.”
I started to say something and then stopped. I know it's a trademark in our family, but he saw my tongue go over my lower incisor tooth and he said, “I know it's hard on you. I shouldn't've said that.”
“No, you've got to say what's in your heart also.
Right now, I need to do my job and get home to South Carolina. There's confusion in my mind because someone I wanted so damned bad and had to let go is now wanting me and I'm really afraid to do it again. It seems I get you to loving me and I run out. It's not that way. I'm not that way.”
He hugged me, “I know.”
I heard Jaymes, “You need to unlock your truck for me to put my things in.”
Jeff and I parted. I saw a tear on his cheek. I wiped it off and said, “I'm going to go. I promise I'll have a decision soon.”
I went over to the driver's side and pasted on a smile. “Here's a trick on this truck. This thing right here isn't a engine heater. It's a fingerprint reader. That cover there is the engine heater. Don't put your finger in that.
If you open this, put your finger on the scanner and let it scan it, it will turn red telling you it's denying you access. Then, what you do is you close it and you open it again and do it again. It'll turn red and then you pull your finger out, close it and then open it and put your finger in for the third time, it will read it and say, “Hey, I'm being reprogrammed for someone else to drive me. I better let him in!”
“Really!”
“Yeah, it's a safety thing. The way it works is if you leave it running at a truck stop, you can get in using this and it'll let you.”
“Wow!”
Jeff stood behind me and said, “It's an amazing looking truck.”
Jaymes put his finger in it and did it three times. It unlocked all the doors and started.
“It started!”
“Yeah, now it's programmed for you to get in. If you get up in the driver's side, you can adjust everything to where you can drive it and it'll remember it. But push that 2 button over there because if you don't and press one, it wipes out all my settings.”
Jaymes climbed up and Jeff stood behind me, “You letting him drive it?”
“Yeah, and you're going to go over to that side and sit up front. We'll go out to the rocket and then, you can drive it back. By the time I'm done, I'll have two more people insisting they've got to have one!”
He laughed, “There's no way I can afford this.”
“Bullshit. I tell people that all the time and they just don't see it.”
“What's it cost, a hundred grand?”
“A hundred and fifty, but a smart buyer can get one for ten.”
“How?!”
“Go out to the highway department across from the visitor's center and ask when they're going to sell theirs. Yeah, they're big and yellow, and yes, they've got a dump bed instead of a pickup bed, but a coat of paint and a new driver's seat and you've got the same thing.”
“I never thought of that!”
“They have some which are duallies and tandems, but they've also got snow plows. I know someone who did it and he painted his red and the bed black.”
We went around and Jeff got up front. I got in the back and Jaymes said, “What are we doing?”
“Drive out to the rocket and then, let your Dad drive back.”
Jaymes shut the door and said, “I've never driven a truck this big before.”
“It's easy. Just think of your right foot being the middle of your lane and you'll be fine. I leaned forward and said, “I had to buy Jilli one because she fell in love with it. Her's is the style which looks like a Hummer.”
“Huh?”
“They've got a military version which is low to the ground like a Hummer with those style of tires. What's neat is her favorite color is red and I found one in red. I got it used for sixty grand. She thinks I spent a fortune.”
“It is a fortune!”
“Nah, it's a lifetime vehicle. You buy one of these and when it wears out, you put another engine in and you keep on going. The frame and body are built for a million miles and the way they make the hoods being the front end, you can update it for six hundred and keep on going with people thinking you bought a newer model.”
He laughed, “This is nice! I like how high up we're sitting.”
Jaymes turned and put us on Veterans which got us over to highway 36. When we got there, he put his foot in it and said, “It's got a lot more pep than I thought!”
“I had a Cat put in it instead of the Navistar. The old Navistar motor was gutless.”
“It's only got forty thousand miles!” Jaymes said, “You wore out a motor with that few miles on it?!”
“That's Navistar for you. That's why the highway department get rid of theirs. If you buy a dump for twenty five hundred from them, spend a thousand on paint, two thousand on a Cat engine, and six hundred on that seat, you've got less than ten in it and can do all the customizing this has inside it for the rest.”
Jeff said, “Really?!”
“I'm not lying to ya bud. That dash is nothing but a metal one painted to look cool. That dash pad can be custom ordered off eBay for forty dollars. The ceiling liner is custom, but if you went and got a piece of cardboard from Ayers tv from a refrigerator and put your material over it, you could get the self tapping screws to hold it up. Then what I'd do is I'd scour the junk yards for front seats out of a Lincoln and put them in the back here and make all the material match. I never realized how much I overspent until I bought this, but I'll sure tell everyone else how to get one cheap.”
Jaymes laughed, “Dad, you should've seen everyone over at Friday's coming out and staring at this. It was like everyone in the place wanted to go see it.”
Jeff said, “He had a Corvette like that once. Everyone loved that car!”
“He was telling me about it. He said this one is worse than that one.”
In no time, we were at the Rocket. It's a truck stop which is aways from the interchange. The intersection isn't lit which gets you there and Jaymes nearly ran through it. He hit the brakes and everyone lunged forward. Jeff said, “Easy son!”
“It sure stops when you hit those brakes!”
I laughed, “Yeah, it's got a lot more weight pushing the tires down. It won't slide, it stops!”
We went over to the Rocket and parked. I said, “I need to get fuel. Let's get that and then head back.”
Jaymes drove it over to get fuel and climbed out. Three truckers went over to look at it. Jeff laughed, “Even the truckers are staring at it!”
“They see them in their magazines, but they never see them customized. I bet they're looking at the paint job.”
One of them came over, “The kid says it's your truck. Who did the paint job?”
“My uncle. It's damned nice, isn't it?”
“It sure is! It's flawless.”
“Let me give you his number. He does it for me at cost. I repay him by giving out his number. As you can see, nothings too big or complex and nothing is too small.”
“I saw a Dakota down in Texas with that same mural.”
“I traded it in for this. The man tried fucking me on the trade in by saying he'd never be able to sell it. Before I had the paperwork signed on this, he had someone in wanting to buy it. Needless to say, I got what I was asking for a trade in with it.”
He laughed, “I bet you did! If you ever want to get rid of that one, let me know! I sure didn't know they put Cats in them.”
“They don't. The Navistar has already failed. I put the Cat in it instead of putting money into the Navistar.”
“You were smart there.”
“You might know of the place I got the Cat. It's out in Chattanooga. They've got an ad in the truck paper they give out free.”
“I've seen it.”
“They hooked it up as slick as a whistle to the Allison.”
“You got the Allison customized. I can tell.”
“I do. I put the two speed rear axle in it. It makes it an overdrive out on the highway to get better fuel milage. Instead of 14, I'm pulling it up to 22.”
“Man! I never thought you'd get that much!”
“It's that Cat motor. She's hardly working pulling it.”
“Which Cat you got in it?”
“The 450.”
“In that!”
“I wanted horses pulling it up and down mountains at 85. What can I say!”
He laughed, “You must drive some miles in order to know what you want like that!”
“That's not six months old and got forty on it. The Dakota wasn't a year old and had 70 on it.”
“What'd you give for this?”
“I got it new before they stopped selling them. It was one twenty. I was telling these guys they could get the same thing for ten grand.”
“How?!”
“Come in here and I'll pay for the fuel and show you.”
We went in and I paid for the fuel. Then, I went over and got the truckin' paper which is free at all the truck stops. I flipped through it and found the ad. “There you go. They have them for ten grand. IF you have a computer, you can go to WWW.GovDeals.com or www.GSAAuctions.gov and you can find these for twenty five hundred. Yeah, it's got a worn out Navistar in it, but you know it can make it to Chatanooga and for two grand you can get that Cat put in it. Then another thousand in paint and you've got that except with a dump bed. Then right over there is where you can buy the pieces to customize it inside.”
“I never thought of that!”
“I never did either, otherwise, you'd see a dump bed on that and it'd be with that mural instead.”
“How much would he charge for a mural like that?”
“He said fifty. Even with the ten in it, you're at sixty and you're still almost a hundred less than what I've got out there.”
“Jeez!”
“I lived and learned. Now I'm passing on the lesson.”
He turned and motioned me over. I went. “That kid's on crack.”
“We're pulling him off it. I just started today.”
“He looks just like his Dad. Both of them are damned good looking. If the kid gets off the stuff, here's a number. Get his teeth fixed and call it. My sister has a modeling agency in New York.”
“Really?!”
“Yeah, but she doesn't mess with anyone on the stuff.”
“He's getting the trip to the dentist tomorrow. I'm told it'll be twenty grand, but it's worth it if we can get him back.”
“I'm not talking about just him. The Dad is good looking enough he could certainly model. You are too, but I can tell you've had work done. It looks like a car accident.”
“I was in my car, but it wasn't an accident. Four guys jumped me. You might've heard about the police chief here ordering the hit. He went to prison last year and it made CNN.”
“Oh man! I remember! That was you?!”
“Yeah. I settled the lawsuit and got a hundred and twenty million. We're still suing the four police officers who didn't do anything and let me lay there.”
“Damn! That stuff pisses me off!”
“You telling me! You wouldn't believe the amount of phone calls they had to CNN about it. It was so bad that Larry King wanted me on his show.”
“You should've went.”
“No, they were wanting me on with Rodney King and all the police brutality victims. This wasn't police brutality even though he paid them to do it.”
“Did they get prison?”
“Yeah, all except the one I knew who pretended to be a friend afterwards. He's now dead.”
“How'd you have him as a friend?”
“I had no memories of it. Then, when I moved to South Carolina, it started coming back and when it did, it was like a damn broke. I made calls and the chief admitted his part. Apparently, he forgot he had tapes on his phones there and my people got to them before he did.”
“Damned glad to hear it.”
“I'm really thankful for this number. You don't know how many times I've said I thought he should be a model to get away from here. Now I can do something about it.”
He smiled, “Tell him to be prepared to work. I do know top male models are in demand. It's going to take him getting his hair cut, but what I like about them is I can see from the way the Dad looks he's going to hold his looks and be able to work all his life if he wants.”
“I understand. We caught the drugs in time, I think. We've had a lot of communication and I think I've got the reasons for it. It's just getting him to talk out those feelings instead of keeping them in.”
He nodded, “It's bad stuff those drugs.”
“I sure understand. I really appreciate it...this number.”
“I appreciate you telling me how to get one of those trucks affordably! It's uncanny we met because this is my last run and then, I'm retired.”
“Amazing!”
He smiled, “I'll tell her you are going to call her.”
“I will be doing that.”
We parted and I went up to the area where Jeff and Jaymes were standing. We went out to the truck and Jeff climbed up in to drive. Jaymes climbed up in the front passenger seat and I put my hand on Jeff's shoulder.
“Here. You pocket this phone number and you call that woman when you get home.”
“What's it for?”
“It's your retirement.”
“Huh?”
“The man I was speaking with. His sister has a modeling agency in New York. He said both of you are good looking enough to get work. He said Jaymes needs the weight on and his teeth, but both of you are good looking enough to book work.”
Jeff laughed, “I'll call it, but I think the man was filling you full of it!”
“I don't think so. What's amazing is this is that man's last run before he retires. If you don't think that's called divine intervention, I don't know what is.”
Jaymes said, “Dad, call it. See if it's for real. I think it'd be neat.”
Jeff turned and smiled at me. “I'll do it.”
We drove back to their house. In no time, Jeff was saying, “Rhette, I loved this truck until I drove it. Now I've got to have one. I never even thought I was driving something this big and he's right, this motor in this is just powerful and the brakes stop you on a dime.”
“That man back there was serious about wanting it. When he found out he could get one like I told you guys, he really sounded sincere about saying he'd get one.
What you don't know is I'm lucky now about getting vehicles. This one, I can drive and sell a ton of them, but if you drove my Rolls, you'd be saying the same thing. You don't know it, but these two vehicles I've got are lifetime vehicles. A Rolls never loses it's looks and this won't ever wear out and can be updated.”
“Well, I sure can't afford a Rolls!”
“Say that buddy and let's see how many modeling stints it takes for you to get one.”
“I sure don't want to live in New York.”
“I don't know about that, I'm thinking about looking at a place up there. I was thinking about getting a place in New Hampshire, but I think an apartment up there in New York would be better.”
“Why would you move there?”
“Because I want a place there. I can go there and see Broadway shows, get a taste of the life it affords and about the time I'm sick of it, move on out on the highway and roll towards here, South Carolina, or there.”
“But in a city?”
“Hey, I lived down in St. Louis and liked it, I can live up there. Yeah, it's a bigger city, but in the village, we can be ourselves and no one thinks twice about it.”
“I guess I never thought about it. Isn't it noisy?”
“No. Think about this. All a city is, is a lot of smaller little towns put right on top of each other. Yeah, it takes forever to get to the country, but then again, there's more to see and do. What's attracting me to it is seeing the sights and smelling the smells and doing the dos and then, when I'm tired of it, I can go somewhere else.
In regards to the expensive ass food they've got, well, I can load up a truck full of stuff and take it up there. This thing will haul a helluva lot of groceries and I've learned to basicly live without red meat.”
“How?!”
“I eat a lot of chicken and vegetables. What ground meat I get, I tend to get ground turkey and cook it up into hamburger helper or something like that.
IF I want a steak, or if I want a burger, I go out. It beats making a meal which costs me fifty bucks to eat it at home alone.”
Jaymes said, “He eats like you wouldn't believe! You should've seen the food he put away!”
Jeff laughed, “He's always been that way. If he remembers, he put away nearly a pot of your grandma's chili one night by himself.”
Jaymes asked, “One of those big pots!”
“Yeah.”
“Man!”
“He eats, but I'll tell you he's as serious about working out as he is eating and those legs of his will outwalk you running! And when he runs, my God, he runs! He's the only person I know who will go out on a tennis court and run and WIN those tournaments and then ask you to go jogging afterwards. I think he could run one of those marathons up there and come in way ahead of most everyone.”
Him saying that had me thinking of another reason for wanting to live in the city.
When we got to their house, I said, “Leave it running and pull that red button. It's the e-brake. He pulled it and asked, “Is that what they do when they leave them running?”
“Yeah, unlike a gas engine, leaving this running, doesn't burn much fuel. It burns like a gallon an hour whereas a car engine will burn a fortune.”
We got out and I went over and hugged Jeff. “Call that number. Remember it's two hours before us, but it'd be interesting to find out if it's real. You can always feign forgetting about the time difference.”
He laughed, “You're terrible! I'll do it!”
“Ok, give me a call. I think he's going home with me. We need to be up early and I don't want to make the extra stop.”
He nodded, “Remember your heart.”
“I am, but this isn't about that.”
He nodded, “Rhette, if my heart has to be broken, break it for the right reason this time instead of going on to a mistake.”
“I'll think about it. I'm not ruling it out, but I'm not committing either.”
He nodded, “Think about it.”
He went around and hugged Jaymes and then went into the house. I started to drive and Jaymes said, “My Dad was crying.”
“I know. He loves you and he's happy.”
“He loves you and he's sad. That's what I think.”
I breathed in and exhaled through my mouth. “Jaymes, there's a lot of feelings I've got. For me to have them is confusing to me. I always like a road which gets me to one place and that's it. Somehow, I've taken a road which has taken me to what I wanted to find, but it's all there at once. It's confusing.”
“Am I one of those things?”
“Yes.”
“My Dad?”
“Yes.”
“And that guy out there in South Carolina?”
“Yes.”
“What's he like?”
“Jessie is a super great guy. He's patient, kind, caring, and if I had anyone in mind who would be ideal for you, it'd be him. He's ideal for me also, but he's seven years younger than me and for some reason, I've chosen to date him instead of building a relationship with him. I know he wants a relationship, and I know he'd be great in one, but it scares me that I think a relationship isn't what I need....right now.”
“I understand. I've been there. All through high school, everyone was wanting relationships and stuff and I never really wanted one. Then, when I was ready, I was afraid of going for what I wanted.”
“I need to ask a question.”
“Ok”
“What's up between you and little Mikey?”
“We're friends. Why?”
“Are you sure that's what it is?”
“He's straight.”
“Are you sure?”
“Well, yeah, I would know. I've met his girlfriend.”
“I have too. Well, let's say I've seen him and her together and he all but ignored her. Then, I saw you and him and her out and he was over there with you and ignoring her. It seems he drops her for you and he can say everything he wants, but his actions are different than what he's saying.”
“Maybe so, but I don't find him attractive at all except for a friend. Why? Do you think we've done something?”
“That's why I'm asking.”
“Are you jealous of him?”
“No.”
“Then why ask about him?”
“We climbed the hill up to my house. When we parked out front, I pulled the brake and shut it off.”
“This is a beautiful house.”
“Thanks.”
“Can I say something and you not think I'm weird.”
“Yeah.”
“I've driven up here to see where you lived.”
“Why?”
“Because when I first met you, I wanted to see where you lived. I knew you liked me and I wanted to tell you then I thought I liked you too.”
I smiled, “You thought you liked me?!”
He laughed, “Okay! I liked you.”
“What made you stop liking me? You hate me now?!”
He smiled, “You said I can't like you because you're playing like you're my shrink.”
“No, I'm trying to help you. There's a difference. Friends help friends. And, those who aren't your friend don't give a fuck.”
We went into the house and Gyp came over to sniff him. Brad came over and Jaymes stepped back.
“He's ok Brad, he's not got much meat on his bones I know, but what bone there is, is good.”
Jaymes smiled, “Planning on your dog eating me?”
“No, Brad's got to decide if he likes you. Gyp's already decided she likes you, but Brad's thinking he's about something. Gyp's the one in charge. The moment he barks, she'll lay into his ass something fierce and he'll go lay down.”
He laughed, “How'd she get in charge?”
“She was here first. She's not one for male companions since Lucky got himself thrown in jail.”
“Ok, you gotta stop. I'm lost.”
“Gypsy is her. I got her and then, two weeks later someone had Lucky to give away, so I got him. She thought he was neat, but he was an asshole.
I'd let them out for their morning pee break and she'd come back. Lucky thought he had to go water everything on this whole hill. I figured he'd come back, but someone called the cops because he was humping her boy german shepherd.”
He laughed.
“Well, he decided he liked the dog catcher too, so he went to jail. I went and retrieved him and paid the fifty bucks to get him out. I had a talk with him and told him he was cute, but I wasn't going to pay more than fifty bucks for a free dog and his next time in jail meant he stayed.
Well, three weeks before Christmas, Dave let him out. Of course Dave was like Lucky and he didn't stay around long. Lucky went to jail and by the beginning of the year, Dave was gone too.”
“Who's Dave?”
“A piece of shit motherfucker who I was with for a short time.”
“I thought Kevin was here?!”
“Kevin was still trying to figure out if he wanted to come here. When he got out of prison, he went to St. Louis and we dated instead of had a real relationship.
The way it went, I'd date Kevin and Kevin was non-commital. So, I got together with Dave and he moved in. From the word go, Dave was a floater.
He came in and because I'd just gotten this place, it was a construction site. I was buying pieces of property and rehabbing them, so I'd work on this in the betweens. He thought because I had it a whole three months it should be up to his standards. Well, it was, he stuck around and didn't lift a finger to do anything except lay his hands on me. That's when I beat his ass and sent him packing.”
“Where's he at now?”
“On a ship in the Pacific lying his way through cruises.”
“What's that mean?”
“Ok, here's the way Dave was. He'd tell you a story and then, you'd find out it was a lie.
He started off saying he was my age. Then, when I tried to pin him down, he was a few years older, but didn't elaborate. The stories were such I was really wondering what the hell was true and what weren't. He had tastes in groups Kevin liked, so I knew he was older than me, but I just didn't know how old.
The other side of that coin was when we got together, he had a Ford Aerostar which looked like he lived in the back of it. He supposedly had an apartment with a guy named Jim, but then I heard on the police scanner he was sleeping on parking lots around here. I told him to go to the spare bedroom if he needed a place to stay, so he moved in and thought he could make his way to my bed whenever he wanted.”
“You didn't like that?”
“Not with him! Sex with him was like fucking an octopus. His hands went everywhere they shouldn't and he just sort of flopped around on the bed. He'd breathe like a baboon in heat while he fucked and sort of sucked your whole face when he French kissed.”
He was laughing harder and harder.
“Finally, I told him if he was going to live here, he was going to have a J.O.B.. He got one up at the casino and then two weeks later, the fucking motor blew in the van. We went out to Ford and bought an Escape together.
I say together, but here's how that went. I paid two thousand down, he traded the Aerostar in for five grand which was a gift because it was a piece of shit. Then, the payments were something like four eighty a month.
I drove the Aerostar a few times and then he bitched so bad about me driving it, I went and bought the BMW. When he saw I had a nice little convertible I paid cash for, he suddenly wanted to drive it. I told him to get in his truck and stay away from my car.
Where I fucked up was I thought it was a relationship. I had my name on his truck, so I put this house into his name 50/50. He started spending more time in bed, but then I got Gyp and Lucky. Gyp hated him and Lucky adored him...go figure.”
He laughed, “You're terrible!”
“Here's how the end went. For eight months, the leech lived here. He bought dinner out for us three times a week after he got the J.O.B., and thought he was paying a bill around here. I paid for four nights a week for dinner, paid the bills, and paid for gas in his truck most of the time we'd go someplace like dinner...when I was buying.
THEN, he started going cheap for dinner. I'll eat dinner at McDonald's once in a while, but I'm not a dollar menu queen. He is.”
He laughed and sat down. Gyp saw her opportunity and went over to get her pets from him. He started petting her and she started smiling saying she liked him.
“Well, after the second time of going to McDonald's, I told him, “IF you think I'm eating it the next time we go out, you're crazier than hell.” To which he replied, “I've got a truck payment to make!” I told him I knew what the truck payment was and what he made and that he could pay a bill or pay for dinner.
He looked shocked and said, “I won't pay a bill anywhere I'm not living! My mail doesn't come there, so I'm not living there!” Well, I'll tell you, I'll tell you it was argument time because the man had stayed here for seven months and if that wasn't called living here, I don't know what it's called!”
He chuckled, “Sounds like living here to me!”
“Me too. SO, here's how this went. We argued and he stay down here watching television while I went to bed. I go to sleep and I'm having a dream about a hot blond guy and I'm really getting some hot sex from the dude. Then, I'm about to cum and that's when I wake up and find him sucking my dick. Well, needless to say, I don't know what I was more pissed about! Waking up from the dream before I came, waking up to find him sucking my dick, or waking up to find a man who supposedly doesn't live at my house sharing my bed and giving me head. Let me just say, I was pissed!”
He was laughing harder and harder.
“SO, here's how this went. I told him to get his ass on his side of the bed and since he wasn't supposedly living there, he could get his shit out of my closet and he SURELY could give me some covers.
Well, we went to sleep and the way it was, is we lay back to back while we were sleeping. I reached back to put my hand on his hip and he brings his fist down and WHAM, he's pounded on my wrist.
Well, I'll tell you I was pissed. The man says he doesn't live there, won't pay a bill, wants to bitch about me wanting him to buy a decent supper, and then wants to piss me off too many times in bed and cap it off by hitting me.
I'll tell you I got up from that bed, popped on the ceiling light and beat the fuck out of him. By the time I was done, I had him by his throat down on that bed and told him, “When I let you go, you're going to get your ass up, get your clothes, and get to your truck before I can think about you hitting me again. If you make one move to hit me while I'm throwing your clothes out that fucking window, they'll find you at the bottom of the steps after having an accident and flying down them. If your NECK is not broke, I guarantee you it will be by the time the ambulance gets here!”
“Oh man! Did he go?”
“Fuck no! He thought he'd lay there with my hands around his throat and tell me to shut off the light and go back to bed. I'm sorry, but no fucking GUEST is going to tell me to go back to bed when he's in my bed!
Well, I went over and you'd be proud of me how fast I had that window thrown up and over to the closet to grab clothes and had them chucked out. That's when I told him, “When I get these clothes thrown out, I'm pitching shoes, and if your ass isn't down there to catch them, it will be when I get it through this window!”
He got up, fucked up the lamp turning it on, and grabbed his clothes. On the way out, he tells me that I wasn't a good lay and that he wasn't going to take anymore abuse from me and for my information, he thought he was hitting the dog. All that did was piss me off more because if it had been her, it would've killed her.
I took off chasing him to beat his ass again and when I got to the front door, I wasn't chasing his ass outside naked. He got dressed, threw his clothes in the truck, and ground gears trying to peel out down the street.
The next morning, my Mom calls me and asks, “Why'd Dave sleeping in his truck out on our driveway?” I told her, because I beat his ass last night and I'm sure he wants to tell you about it.” She asked why I beat his ass, and when I told her, she was pissed. Needless to say, when he walked in her house without knocking and went to her fridge to get something to eat without asking, and then put mayo on his sandwich without using a knife and only using his fingers in the jar, she was pissed and threw him out of her house.
As it turned out, in order to pay the bills and eat that month, I had to go get food stamps and government assistance on the heating bill. The girl who worked at the government assistance place said, “I thought Dave paid all the bills!” I told her he never paid a bill once and showed her my check book to prove it. She said, “Well, when we have breakfast every morning, he's telling me he normally has one of the expensive coffees, but he's tapped out paying the bills.”
Well, you know I was ready to explode! I said, “For your information, the man makes nearly thirty grand a year at the casino and pays for three meals a week. I pay for four, the bills, and whatever else we need. The man hasn't bought so much as toilet paper in eight months, and charges me for gas when we go out to dinner in his truck. When I told him he could pay a bill, he tells me he's not living there.”
She looked shocked, “He's not?!”
I said, “No, according to him, he doesn't get mail there, so therefore he's not living there.”
She asked, “Where's he get his mail?”
“My P.O. Box for my business!”
She laughed, “What a bum! Dump him and get someone else.”
So, she paid the gas bill and I got food stamps and I had enough to pay the electric bill. All the others floated and the next month, I got them with my income tax return.
Now, get this because this will tell you how low that bastard thought he could go. I got my income tax return and he had to pay. He thought he could park that truck out back on MY property because he didn't have enough money to get an apartment!
I wake up and that truck's in my yard. I called the police and they tell me since it's on my property and the man says I'm letting him be there, it's up to me to tow it.”
“What'd you do?”
“Went out with a chainsaw and started dropping trees blocking the way out of the yard!”
He laughed, “Oh man, you're crazy!”
“Not crazy enough. Don't ever cut down trees around a freeloader in a four wheel drive where you didn't block all the ways out. Over here in between the houses, I hadn't dropped a tree and he takes the truck up there!”
“What?!”
“Yeah, peeling out all the way and tearing the fuck out of flower beds. I'll tell you I was pissed, but not as pissed as I was when he got up front.
He gets out and he's got my baseball bat. He's making like he's going to hit me and I've got my chainsaw fending off blows. Fortunately, this lunatic over here next door had a pistol and saw what was going on. He was woke up by the chainsaw and he wasn't happy, but then he saw what I did and what Dave was doing and he opens his bedroom door and starts popping caps at our asses. Needless to say, the chainsaw went flying and I went for the front porch and Dave got in his truck and went to the police station.”
“Huh?”
“Yeah, I was trying to attack him with a chainsaw. When the police came up, the man came out and tells the police officer what happened and that's when the policeman tells me, “The man says you owe him some income tax returns.” That's when I told the police to tell him if I owed him a damned thing, he could sue me for it at the same time I sue him for the flower beds.” SO, the cop drives off after telling me and the lunatic next door we're lucky he didn't see us being threatening towards Dave.”
“What!”
“He and Dave were buddies. They gave each other head in the sauna up at the Y in Quincy.”
“Gross!”
“Anyways, life went on and Kevin moved in. He lived here for two years and then, one day, Dave walks in the house like he owns the place and demands I move out.”
“What!”
“Yeah, his name was still on the place halves.”
Kevin turns to me and asks, “Is what he's saying true?”
I said, “Yeah, the fucker doesn't have an address, so I can't serve him papers. The address he claims for his taxes is here and he's still got a key to that P.O. Box, so he uses it.”
Needless to say, Kevin turns around and snatches Dave by his throat and throws him across the room. He says, “Give the fucking key to the P.O.Box back and Rhette will sign over half your truck to you for this house. If you want to give me any lip, Rhette's about to go set fire to that truck and you'll be homeless asshole!”
Dave looks shocked and I came up to the computer room and had a quit claim deed done up and brought back down. I handed to Dave and said, “Here, sign it!” He signs it and said, “That's not legal, there's no Notary present!” I smiled and said, “Here Kevin, put your stamp on it.” You should have seen the look on Dave's face!”
“Oh man!”
“Now someplace along the line, he forged my name on that truck because I never signed to get my name off it and he traded it off for a new little Lincoln car last year.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, so go figure it out, but last year, he went out to see my Mom and tells her he's buying an apartment complex with Troy in Denver. He and Troy aren't boyfriends, but Troy is a friend he met on the ship.
Mom saw the Lincoln and he's bragging it up and she asked, “Did you trade the little truck you had off? He told her he did and she said, “I don't recall Rhette telling me he ever signed his name off the thing and if I recall right, the title was written out in your AND his name and not AND/OR, so you best get off my property when you tell me you forged my son's name.”
Well, she said he opened and shut his mouth a few times and then tried telling her, “For your information, that title was in my name alone!” To which she told him, “Dave, I'm going in here and getting a shotgun. Don't come on my property again and let's see if that Lincoln can outrun buckshot. The second you think about calling me a liar when I know damned well how that truck was titled, I'll lose my cool with you.”
“So what happened?”
“He comes up here with a girl and introduces her as his girlfriend. He's got her on my property and had smarts enough to knock on the door.
Joe was here and let him in. I was in the shower and Joe comes in and asks, “Who the fuck's Dave, and why's he in this house?!” I told him, “Go to the kitchen and call the police.” because I'd already gotten the call from Mom.”
“Man! It turned into drama!”
“It turned into a mess because the cops come and tell him he has to leave and Dave tried telling the cop he owned this house. I throw the deed to the cop and said, “There's the deed and if you do NOT arrest him, I'll have charges pressed on you with the state for not protecting my interests.”
Dave told the cop, “I'll leave since he's starting to get mental again.”
What happened was I went over to the girl and said, “If he told you we weren't lovers, he lied. If he told you he owned this house, demand to see a cancelled check one where he paid for anything with this house because he's lying. IF the man tells you the sky is blue, check because it's a fucking lie. That's how much the man lies and if he told you he's anything but fifty four years old, he's lying.”
“Fifty four!”
“Yeah, he gave the cop his driver's license and it had his date of birth as November 5th, 1954.”
“Man!”
“Yeah, he went from being my age to a few years older to being fifty four. What's funny is he told her he was 32!
He came over with the cop by telling the cop I was blocking the door to his car on purpose. Before the cop could make me move, the girl asked Dave, “Are you fifty four years old? You told me you were 32!”
He started stammering and the cop said, “He's fifty four. IF he's younger, I want to speak with him about whose identification he has if it's not his!”
Before Dave could say anything, I told the girl, “He's got a birthmark on his right inner thigh. How would I know about it if I wasn't down there sucking his dick?!”
Well, the cop shut up and Dave's trying to dive for his car and the girl is just exploding. She starts yelling, “You're a fag!” and the cop and I went towards the front porch laughing. Pretty soon, he peels out in the car driving like a mad man and the cop took off running to his car. The girl starts walking and yells, “You can have the fag, I don't want him!”
I said, “Girl, if he was any good, I'd still have him and you couldn't get him. He's got so many crisii going on, there's no way I'd have him. Did he mention he was in a mental hospital in Maryland?!”
She was down there by that tree and that stopped her, she turns around and said, “WHAT!”
I said, “Yeah, I figured he could lie. I could lie and run a full check on him. If you want a copy, I'll get you one.” She said, “No, I'm done with him. Where's the closest bus station?!” I told her and went in the house to hear him get a ticket for careless and imprudent.”
He laughed, “Oh man!”
“That's the end of Dave, but if he ever comes around, you don't let him in and you tell him the phone is in my name and not his....like he told someone. You tell him the house is in my name and not his. And you tell him you're a better lay than he ever was and your clothes are staying in the closet.”
“I'd be lying!”
“Maybe, maybe not. What I do know is we're not finding out tonight because you've got to be up early in the morning and be to the dentist.”
“Where do you want me to sleep?”
“Lying Down.”
“No, I mean where?”
“In a bed is best. The sofa looks nice, but it's not worth a shit to sleep on. Besides, it's going to be claimed by Brad and Gyp if you try laying down.”
“Why'd you name them what you did?”
“She got named Gypsy for a number of reasons. Gypsy Rose Lee was the name of a famous stripper and her name is Gypsy Rosalee. There's a song someone sang that I heard once asking if anyone saw his sweet Gypsy Rose and I liked it. The name Lucky Gypsy was the name of that 'vette your Dad and I told you about.”
“What made that car so that everyone liked it?”
“Have you ever saw a movie called Corvette Summer?”
“No.”
“Well, it was a 'vette which was really customized. They had three of them in the movie. Do a search on the internet. They're cool.
That one was like the red one. It had red metal flake with gold metalflake accents and a really nice hood on it.”
“And that made everyone like it?!”
“It was the only one like it in this area. It was an old stingray model and it had a 454 in it. The motor sounded hot and was hot when you laid your foot in it. With the wheels and tires it had under it, it was hot, but I never got my foot into it because I was paying for the tires.”
He nodded.
“The reason he's called Brad is he's a Pittbull and I'd kick you out of bed to sleep with Brad Pitt, so I can say I sleep with Brad Pitbull.”
He laughed, “That's nuts!”
“I liked it. Come on up and I'll show you your choices of where you can sleep.”
We went up the steps and he said, “Your house is awesome!”
“Yeah, it took a lot of work, but with the exception of a few things, I did it. That bedroom there is where Joe slept, and that pink bedroom is what we painted together. It's that color because it matches the rose petals in that bedspread.”
“It's bright!”
“It's a helluva lot brighter without any furniture or burgundy in that room. I matched it to the petals and didn't realize it was Pepto Pink. When we painted it, it kept getting brighter and brighter until I was just grossed out.
I waited for it to dry and Joe pulled a disappearing act to mind his Mom's rummage sale while I put everything back in. I wanted that bed in the corner at an angle, but that room is too small. So, it got put that way because I don't like it over here.”
“It's nice.”
“I sewed those curtains, pillows, and all those pieces which match that bedspread from two other bedspreads. They had no coordinates, so I made them.”
“Oh! I thought you got them like that!”
“No, I can be good with a sewing machine when I want to be, but after a while, it's like putting together model airplanes and gets too mind fucking for me to do it long.”
He laughed, “You don't like model airplanes?”
“Let me tell you a few things I don't like. Don't EVER hand me a jigsaw puzzle because I'm the sort of person who will sit there and do it until it's done. I will do it, but after doing a bunch of them, I've decided there's a reason they hand mental patients them to do.”
He laughed, “Are you saying you're mental?”
“No, I'm saying it gets them focused on something other than themselves. For me, I love them, but my eyes go crossed or something after a while...everything starts looking the same.
One other thing I absolutely won't put up with is Jello. I love their pudding, but that jiggly shit will be what I end this life with when I get slammed into a nursing home. They serve enough there, I figure I'll get a life's worth then. Until then, I don't want to see it.”
“Why?”
“Because I made it a hundred and fifty gallons at a time in prison. It took three hundred gallons to feed everyone and they insisted we have it with fruit in it twice a week and plain once. I cooked the shit with Kevin and we diced all them fucking pears to the point I could really care if I see another pear.”
“I like pears.”
“I loved them too. BUT, here's what you've got. In there, you've got three gallons of pears going into each pan of Jello. There's a lot of juice on them, and in my brilliance, I insisted upon putting it into a glass jar and putting it in the freezer until it was slushy and drinking about half a gallon.
What no one told me is the laxative effects of pear juice. They all laughed, but no one told me.”
He busted out laughing.
“It's not real funny. First of all, you're locking in a cage in that bakery until noon. I'll tell you'll have yourself shit blind by then if you drink it at eight.
Second of all, the commodes in a prison bathroom NEVER have toilet paper there. You've got to ask for it from the guard. When you're in too big of a hurry to go that you bypass the guard at a run, you'll regret it later...believe me.”
He was laughing so hard he fell onto the bed. “I can't believe you're telling me this!”
“Oh hell, I'd rather you learn from my mistake on that one. I can be a sadistic bitch at times, but that's beyond cruel.
What's bad is my brother and his wife had a baby. They couldn't figure out why the baby was always having loose stools and insisting he have the stuff. I saw what they were doing and told my brother, “Stop already! That kid's got to be regular!”
He was clutching his sides, “You've got to stop already! You're killing me here!”
“I take it you're wanting to sleep in here with me.”
“IS this your bed?”
“Yeah.”
“Nice, I love the softness of this bed.”
“Feathers. There's a foot of feathers in this mattress.”
“Did you get them at where I work?”
“Yeah.”
“I've never slept on them. I know a lot of people order them.”
I got up and shut off the light and let the lamps light the room.
“You need to get ready because you're going to be attacked.”
“Why?”
“Me shutting off that switch tells Gyp....”
About that time, he had two dogs on the bed with him.
“As I was saying, It tells the dogs it's time for bed.”
“They sleep here?!”
“Yeah, stand up and pull the covers back because they'll think you're weird if you don't.”
“Why?”
“You'll see.”
He pulled the covers back and Gyp dove for the pillow.
“They have pillow fights?!”
“No, their toys are under there.”
“Why?”
“Because this is where we play fetch. I lay here and I throw things. They chase them and Brad turns into a big Marmaduke on this slick floor.”
I took their toys and Gyp instantly went on point. Brad took off running like I'd already thrown something.
“What's he doing?!”
“He sees her going on point and he's smart enough to be dumb. He starts running so he's got a head start.”
“Why?”
“Hang on, I'm brainfucking a pittbull right now.”
“How?”
“Hang on!”
Soon, Brad came in with his tongue hanging out and a pillow off the sofa. “PUT THAT BACK!”
Brad took out and soon, he came back without the pillow.
“Brad thinks putting it back is putting it in Gypsy's bed down there. He thinks he gets her in trouble by doing that.”
He laughed, “So he does it all the time?”
“Only at this house. Out in South Carolina, he's an even bigger idiot.”
“Why?”
“You'll have to see. It's too damned funny what I'm teaching him.”
“Why do I sense it's something twisted?!”
“It's not real twisted. He's learned when I don't want something I tell him to put it back. However, Gypsy's toys are bright colors and his are all these.”
“Camouflage?!”
“Did I mention I'm right across the river from Paris Island...the Marine Recruiting base?”
“Yeah.”
“What is camouflage?”
“You're going to have him attacking them?”
“No, he's going to be playing fetch. I'll have him return the ones I don't want!”
He laughed, “You're nuts!”
I held up a toy and said, “Brad, fetch!”
I threw it and he took off. I said, “Gyp, sit pretty!”
She sat up and about the time Brad came running back I threw Gyp's. She took off running and Brad dropped it and ran around it growling and barking.
“See, he's trained. He's going to bring it back, sit it down, and then guard it until I get there.”
He was laughing, “You're terrible!”
“It's a pipe dream! That damned river is too wide! He can't see them, and if he did, he couldn't carry one home swimming, but it sure made you think I was gonna!”
Gyp came tearing in and jumped up on the bed.
“She jumped that high!”
“She gets excited. You ought to see her with tennis balls outside. I bounce them out across the street and she goes tearing after them. So, if you do it, be sure there's no cars coming because she's not really going to stop chasing that ball.”
“Ok.”
“Her outside toys are on the wicker bench on the front porch. That's her domain and he gets his ass kicked by her if he goes near them.”
“She whips him?”
“She whipped him as a little pup and he now thinks she can do it still. Before you put him out, that collar by the back door goes on him. It's got lead weights, so be prepared to have some weight.”
“Why do you do that?”
“I don't want him jumping the fence and I'm too cheap to buy one of those shock collars and fencing systems. Someone told me about this and it's working good.”
“What's it do?”
“He runs around fine. It's when he thinks about raising his head to bark at someone on the other side when it does it's job.”
“He doesn't raise his head with it on?!”
“No, and it's supposed to train him to not jump on the fence. The good thing is the mail man knows to stay on that side of the street when he goes by, and he knows my dogs only bark unless he comes in that fence. That's when Gypsy goes insane.”
“Why?”
“A fucking mail man stomped at her. She went insane trying to bite him and that's when he kicked her. I was standing on the other side of the front door nude in a house coat when he did it. Needless to say, he got an ass chewing and the mail box got taken off the front of my house and I got the P.O. Box. They're no longer allowed to step on my property for any reason and she's not kicked. IF they do step foot on the property, I've got it in writing at the post office they are the ones who are trespassing and the dog isn't to be held responsible.”
“Why?”
“Because that man doesn't need to kick my dog!”
“Why not keep her in?”
“Why not tell him to stay the fuck away! This is HER house, not his!”
“So you have to get your mail at a P.O.Box because of her?”
“Yeah, and I do so because it keeps her sanity.”
“What if she gets out?”
“If it's the old dude who is delivering mail, he knows the story. He knows to throw her a treat and she'll go after it.”
“How can she tell the difference?”
“She can't. It's something about that uniform. A police man can come and any other uniform and she's fine. Put on a mailman's uniform and you'll see that little dog turn into Cujo...and I SURE don't need her teaching Brad how to attack mail men!”
“She teaches him tricks?!”
“Yes. She thinks he's too stupid to learn any other way, so she teaches him.”
“Is he dumber?”
“He's no cocker spaniel, that's for sure! She does a trick and comes over to sit. He does a trick and doesn't sit unless he's told.”
“You just said sit and both of them did it.”
“It's single word commands. Lie!”
They both lay down. “Lay” They rolled over and then Brad got up to go sniff her.
“Brad!”
By then, Gyp was letting him know that wasn't in the cards. She started growling and he took off down the steps.
“He'll stay down there until I yell for him to come back.”
“Really?”
“Gyp growled, he knows to run and hide. He's just not smart enough to figure she could track him with her nose.”
“We going to get to bed?”
“Yeah, sleep over here and I'll sleep in the middle. If Gyp isn't sleeping on that side, she gets weird.”
“What does she do?”
“Watch. Go over there and make like you're going to lay in her spot.”
“What will she do?”
“She makes it uncomfortable for you to sleep there until you move.”
“Really?”
“Go lay down and see what she does.”
He went over and lay down. She looked at me and then went over and sat by his head and leaned down in his face without touching him.
“She'll stay like that until you move.”
“Really?”
“She taught herself that trick. If she's ever doing that and you're sleeping somewhere else, you need to get her up and let her out. It's her way of telling you she's got to go to the bathroom.”
“Oh!”
He got up and she lay down and stared over at me.
“She's going to guard her spot. Did you see that look she just gave me?”
“No.”
“It's that look of, “You need to train him to stay out of my spot!”
He smiled, and said, “Ok Gyp, I'm not sleeping there!”
He lay down on the other side and I threw the covers over us. “Lights!”
The lights dimmed down low and I yelled, “Brad!”
In three second, Brad came careening in and onto the bed. He lay down at the foot and I spooned up behing Jaymes.
“Your hair smells good. Apples.”
“Apple Pectin shampoo. I tried the Suave, but I like Apple Pectin.”
“It's good stuff.”
“What do you use?”
“Fruit smoothie by Suave.”
“Why that?”
“My favorite smell is that and Mulberry. Those and Vanilla. If you put one of those linen flavored air fresheners in this house, I can't sleep here.”
“Why not?”
“I don't know. It's like catnip to me for some reason. I tend to go insane.”
“What happens?”
“I find what outlet it's in and it sails across the street.”
He chuckled, “I pitty your neighbors across the street.”
“I don't. I own that house. Seven of the houses on this hill are mine and I'm waiting patiently for the others to die so I can get those.”
“Which ones aren't yours?”
“The lunatic across the alley owns his. He keeps telling me he'll sell, but I think he does that to get me to stop cussing him.”
“Why do you say he's a lunatic?”
“Here's what he does. He's got a girl over there who says she lives in a trailer in Ralls County. Apparently, all those who care for misfits over there never check to see if someone is really living where they say they live because she's over there in his front bedroom.
The way it goes, is he keeps her around for sex. When she doesn't put out, he knocks her out. When she puts out and thinks she can sleep in his bed, he punches her in the head. Do you see the pattern emerging yet?”
“He beats her up?”
“And she thought she could come over here crying and getting me to call the cops. The first time, I called the cops and by the time they got here, she'd already went back over there and locked herself in the house and wouldn't answer the door when they arrived. They came over here and asked me where she was and I told them she came over, I called them, and she left.
The next time she came over, I told her to get gone or I'd call them for her trespassing. She cussed me and left.”
“Why do you say he's the lunatic if she's the problem?”
“That's when she's drunk. When he's drunk, he thinks he can come over and stand on my front porch and scream at this fag to come out so he can whip my ass.”
“What!”
“Yeah. That's why the baseball bat is by the front door and the back door. The first time he did it, I called the cops. They told me they couldn't, or wouldn't do anything. I told them to pay just as much attention when he calls for an ambulance because I'd take care of the problem the next time.
When it happened again, it was at the backdoor and it was after I'd went and got a bucket of hot water in the tub. He saw me coming and stepped back to yell and scream. I opened the door and threw the water on him and he took off running to call the cops.
They came and I showed them where he was standing and told them the next time it'd be boiling. The told me they'd take me to jail for it and I told them to tell the bastard to stay on his own side of the alley. They left and when it happened again, it was on the front porch and I chased him all the way to his house with the ball bat taking swings. When I got there, I knocked the window out of his door and he called the cops. They came and I told them he was obviously drunk and fighting her again and to leave me out of it and shut the door in their faces.
Since then, I've had to chase him twice. The last time, I smacked the hell out of his knee with the bat and he had to go to the hospital. He now keeps it over there.”
“Does he only mess with you?”
“No, and neither does she. They tried it with the Mexicans on the corner and they damned near beat him to death before he got back to his property. He was made a believer with them because they never got the police called on them...or, the police decided they'd never get them to admit they know English, so there was no use.
With the old people on the corner, the police went over and asked them if they witnessed me throwing the water on him and apparently, they liked the idea because they've done it once to each of them. The old man stood there and sprayed them with the hose once last Summer.”
He laughed, “Do you think maybe Radon is bad up here? It sounds like you're all nuts!”
“No, it's not bad bad. These are all incidents since I've been here. Everyone else is now renting from me, so they don't dare piss me off.”
“Do you have them all rented?”
“This one beside me will never be rented. The only reason I've not torn it down is because it's cheaper to let it stand.”
“So you've bought all of the rest?”
“I've gotten them with the exception of the ones the Mexicans own. There's three of theirs now across the back alley and down on the corner, but I'm not complaining about them. They keep the area patrolled for thieves and think it's funny I let them know how hot I think they are.”
“How?”
“It's a game now with them. They let me know when they've got a new crop by driving the fucking Uhaul down the side alley and unloading them there. They used to unload the Uhaul at the corner house and walk them through the alley, but I let them know I thought they were hot by whistling and word spread.
They're men and they've got egos like everyone else, so they started making sure they walked by with their shirts off. The ones who were hot got whistles and those who were not got a thumb down to which all the rest of them laughed.
What's super funny is they unloaded the Uhaul out back here and I went out when they rolled them out. I was trying to be funny and pointing the ones who were bad back on. They apparently thought I was serious, so they loaded those up and took them away.”
“Where'd they take them?”
“They've got eight restaurants in the area, so I'm sure they take them there.”
“They all illegals?”
“No, temporary Americans. They come up, make money, and then go back or move on to somewhere else. There are two out there which are citizens, but all the rest of them are temporary.”
“And they don't get caught?!”
“They get caught, but nothing gets done except they get hauled away and another batch gets brought up. You know when the Uhaul is there another batch has arrived.”
“You act like it doesn't bother you!”
“It doesn't! They're pleasing to the eye and they're certainly not robbing my house like all the rest of these people were. Fuck, they pay their rent in cash and I'm not complaining!”
“You're renting to them?”
“Well yeah, why not? They need a place to stay because they don't like to sleep thirty to a house and I get three fifty a month rent in cash for each house. There's six houses and they know to keep the crime down in the neighborhood. I have them thinking they're getting the rent cheaper for watching my house, so they're happy and I am too.”
He laughed, “Is the rent cheaper?!”
“Hell no!”
“You're charging them more?”
“No, I'm charging about what they'd pay out there off West Ely. The only difference is I'm not calling the cops on their loud music.”
“Do they get loud?”
“Sunday afternoons is their street fair day. What I do know is since they've lived here, I've never once had to worry about trash in the yards over there and they take my bags from the curb when they take theirs.”
“What do they do with it?”
“Take it to the dumpster at the restaurant. What's bad is the man who has the trash route I was on took offense when I stopped having him collect it and called the building inspector lady for code violations. She came up and found some petty shit and I countered by putting up that eight thousand dollar fence. Then, I went down and told the city manager to get up there and witness for himself she's bitching about the wrong house.
He came up with her and she pointed at the lunatic's garage and said, “He's not cleaned a thing!” I said, “For your information, when you tell me my property is his, then you best not complain when he's suing you for giving me his property.” The city manager apologized and now, he gets the letters and I don't.”
“I think she gives everyone a letter. I know my Dad gets one a year.”
“It's because they have to give one letter before they start doing it themselves and putting things on your taxes. I think I've got them to the point they know not to mess with me here. They know I've got a lawyer who gets paid to sue them.”
“I'm surprised you're not harassed more.”
“That's the second lawsuit I've got. They conspired in the meetings to do that if I didn't take the first and second offers they made.”
“What were those offers?”
“The first offer was a hundred and fifty thousand. The second was six hundred thousand.”
“Did they harass you?”
“Did they? Yeah. Did they get it off? No. What they did do was pulled over some highway patrol officers driving my vehicles who sent the word back to the governor what was happening. That's when the man who was running the police department got made to take retirement. He's now in Palmyra as police chief.”
“They let him keep working as a policeman?”
“He retired here. He's not bothering me, so I'm not complaining.”
“What if you go to Palmyra?”
“I go there once a year....well, twice. I go for the after Christmas sale at Ben Franklin and I go to the demo derby at the county fair in August.”
“You like demo derbies?”
“My brother drives in it and my other brother sponsors it. Our sign shop sponsored him, but I'm no longer a part of that. We used to sponsor a stock car up at Quincy, but when that guy never brought me a trophy all year for me paying him four hundred and twenty dollars a week, I decided to let him be a loser somewhere else.”
“That's expensive!”
“You damned right it is. I could've built a helluvan engine myself for that amount of money and beat everything running up there for that much.”
“You know how to build engines?”
“Let's say I taught myself how. When an engine went down out at the sign shop, I had to fix it. It was cheaper for me to buy the tools and do it than it was to keep taking it to a man to do. I messed up some, but I got them going a lot more than not. It's not as hard as it seems. It's rated about up there with model airplanes though.”
“You hate model airplanes, don't you.”
“I loved 'em, but you never met my real Dad. Your Dad did.
I had them hanging in my bedroom and my Dad would come in and beat me with a belt for breathing at times. The belt would get caught up on the airplanes and either I'd see a lot of time and money wasted when they were broken, or they'd get caught on the belt and I'd get beaten with one on the end. Finally, I said 'fuck it' and stopped trying to have fun.”
“Did everyone get beaten?”
“Ash got worse than me. Jilli never got anything because my Mom handled her punishment. My Dad raised his hand to her one time and my Mom went after my Dad and got beat down for it.”
“He beat your Mom too!”
“Yeah, but she got to the point she wasn't afraid of him anymore and that stopped when she stabbed him and told us kids to get up and leave the house.
When we got back, they sat us down and told us they were getting a divorce. I think they expected tears and I think they expected us to ask them not to, but Mom got her reaction from us when Brent asked, “What took you guys so long?! We knew you hated each other for a long time!”
“Ooh, I bet that made 'em mad.”
“No, Mom said, “If we knew it would've been easier on you kids a while of go, we would've done it...or I would've.”
“Did your Dad say anything?”
“No, the powerplay and the control was stripped from him. He only had control when she was afraid of him. When she started giving as well as she got, it was over. I do know she had a pistol because I saw it. I do think she was intending to kill him if he tried anything else.”
“That's terrible!”
“It's life in the fun and games of a dysfunctional family. What's bad is nowadays, he'd have thirty police calls on him if he pulled that shit, but back then, no one said a thing except for one man.”
“Who was that?”
“Mr Bindeman. I was friends with his son and my Dad beat me down in the middle of the street up there. Mr Bindeman came out and tapped my Dad on the shoulder and said, “IF you touch him again, I'll start doing to you what you're doing to him. Leave him alone and go home.”
My Dad thought he meant take me home and grabbed me up by my arm and Mr Bindeman yanked my Dad's hand off me and said, “I told you to leave your hands off him. He's coming up to my house and he'll stay there until your wife gets home. IF you insist on taking him or beating him any further, I'll have to teach you what it feels like.” My Dad went home and when my Mom called, I went home and nothing else got said.”
“Your Mom didn't stand up for you guys?”
“No, us boys were my Dad's to do with and Jilli was my Mom's. But, after the divorce, us boys got to protecting each other. He never laid a hand on us after that without one of us knocking him off of him.”
“Did it happen often?”
“He lay into Brent one day and Ash ran over and sent him flying. When he came up, he swung and I said, “I'm going to get a tire iron. I'll be back. Boys, go get in the car because he's not watching us this weekend.”
I went out and got a tire iron and came in and called Mom. I told her what had happened and if she thought she could tell us to stay, or if he thought he could make us stay, I was going to kill him. She told me to get home and hand him the phone.”
“What happened?”
“I took 'em home and went to Quincy and got drunk. Then, I went to the camp and stayed drunk all weekend.”
“Why?”
“Here's how that went. The camp was my parents to share. She got it on some weekends and he got it on others. However, I learned if my car was there, no one showed up except people to party. Needless to stay, your Dad came out there quite a bit.”
“Was my Dad a stoner?”
“Did he do drugs? Or did he get drunk? I know he got drunk, but I don't think he did as much drugs as me.”
“You did drugs?”
“Yeah, but that stopped one night after a few friends of ours got fucked up with some bad dope. None of them were right after that and all I can say saved me was I was too drunk to smoke any.”
“What was it?”
“Marijuana laced with PCP.”
“Bad shit.”
“Damned bad. One heard voices of indians afterward. Another is diagnosed severely paranoid pschitzo. And another committed suicide. The last got killed in that car wreck I told you about.”
“Man!”
“What's bad is your Dad and I have ourselves lucky for being out of it. He was pissed at me and I was passed out with someone else on the other side of a log.”
“Why was he pissed at you?”
“I couldn't get him to commit. He wanted to fuck around, but I wanted him to say we were boyfriends. He wouldn't and he'd go out with other people. That's the sole reason I went to Kansas City.”
“Did you fuck around with other people?”
“Yeah.”
“Don't you think he didn't want that because you did that?”
“No, I told him it would all stop if he would just be with me. He said he couldn't and then left.”
“Probably my grandma. She's really hateful with not liking it.”
“Does she know about you?”
“Yeah. She told me I was going to turn out just like him.”
“I'm not going to say the first thing I'm thinking at this time.”
“Why?”
“Because I've got my own issues with her. I thought I knew her and liked her, but now I don't like her at all.”
“She is too bossy for me. She didn't want me dying my hair or anything. When I kept doing it, she told me to follow the rules in her house, or get out. That's when I dyed my hair purple and she changed the locks.”
“Is that where your stuff is?”
“Yeah.”
“I'll get it tomorrow. It's illegal for her to keep it.”
“I think she threw it away.”
“It's a damned big mistake on her part if she did.”
“Why?”
“Because she is bound by law to keep those things well cared for and to hand them over if you ask for them. IF she holds them hostage for anything, you're entitled to go to court to sue to get them. I'll certainly pay that filing fee!”
“You sure don't sound like you like her.”
“Her honor is about as thick as the ice over her heart. She fucked up when she screwed me over.”
“Why'd she screw you over?”
“Don't ask me, she did an interview laughing and talking about when I was little and then, I see what she printed in the paper and I was pissed!”
“What'd she print?”
“She wrote about conducting the interview and then, she wrote how I was planning on running it with favoritism for some and higher prices for others. I called Mary Lou and got a retraction by threatening to sue the fuck out of her, the paper, and it's editorial staff.
She also put in the paper about it being gay owned and how flirty and flamboyant I was.”
“What?”
“I'll pull up the story. I saved the clipping of it AND I put it to hard drive. Right by my desk at home underneath a poster sized, “Never trust the press!” is a clipping of that story and the retraction.”
“Why'd do you think she did it?”
“Because I'm gay.”
“Do you charge everyone differently?”
“Yes, but with explanation. IF you come in and it's a one time deal, you get charged a regular price. IF you come in and you are going to advertise with us for a long while, you get another price. IF you have a bigger spot, or more, you get a different price. IF you want your spots and a placement on the jumbo, you get a different price. It's all variable to the amount of spots you pick and whether or not, you have repeat business in mind.
What I DID do at the beginning was I helped Dave Norman. He has the radio station. I made him a deal and he jumped on it.
In that deal, I told him if he'd pay for the cost of silkscreening, I'd put the banners up over my empty boards. Rather than, “Rent this sign”, or “Rent Me”, everyone saw a rented sign and thought I was doing great in business and so was he. Then, when business came in, I took down his banners and put up the paying customer's. She apparently saw it as favoritism.”
“It is, but it's not. I understand what you were doing.”
“It must be that she thought I should advertise the paper, but I didn't grow up with the owner of the paper, I grew up with Dave and Roger...and your Dad.”
“You grew up with them?”
“Yeah, they were across the street and up two houses.”
“Their Mom lives out by my grandma now.”
“And, she's a great woman. I'd sell my soul for that woman and mow her yard with a razor blade.”
“Man! You don't speak that highly of many people.”
“She supports me fully. When I was attacked, she was out there visiting me several times a week. When I was starting off, she brought me some desks and brought me a typewriter.
When I opened the landscaping, she was my first client. She was the third person after me and my Mom who became a client for the housekeeping service.
I didn't ask her to do that, she heard from Dave and she came in. I can't say anyone else in this town has done as much to help me except Dave.”
“What'd he do?”
“I went to him with the banner idea and he jumped on it. It cost him some money, but he got loads of free advertising. In return, he filled his open spots with advertising for my company. If your grandma thought I should advertise the paper, the paper should've advertised me in return. They've never once gave me a cut rate and they certainly have chosen to hack at me when they could.”
“But they helped you when you were suing the city.”
“No, Mary Lou helped me when I was suing the city. In return, she got the paper to do it. She soon found out how many people I reached and the power of those billboards when I told her I'd certainly put on them her paper gives false information. But, she was willing to listen to what I said was the account of the interview and got me that retraction.”
“What do you think my grandma will do if she knows I'm around you?”
“Nothing. The moment she does anything, I'll sick Mary Lou on her. But whatever happens, don't worry your pretty head.”
He snuggled back into me and said, “I like being held by you.”
“I like being here, but if you wake up in the night and I'm not here, don't think anything about it.”
“Why not?”
“Because I only sleep a few hours and then, I'm up.”
We snuggled some more and I can't tell you who dozed first. I do know who woke up first because Gyp made sure I woke up to let her out. I got up and saw it was nearly five am. Normally, I sleep a few hours, but I'd slept nearly six.
I went downstairs and let Gyp and Brad out. They did their dos and I made Hazelnut coffee. While I let it brew, I went in and took a shower. Afterwards, I was back out and in the kitchen when he came in.
“The coffee smells good!”
“It's Hazelnut. If you want, I'll make you a cup while you take a shower.”
“Ok, I'm afraid my clothes aren't clean.”
“That's ok, we'll get you some. You concentrate on what you can change and I'll concentrate on the rest.”
He went and took his shower and I made us coffees. The key to my Hazelnut coffee is this...Use a butter baller and put a small ball of Butter Pecan Ice cream in a cup. Then, use Splenda Hazelnut flavored and then pour your Hazelnut roast coffee over the top of it. As the ice cream melts, it creams the coffee and cools it.
When he came out, he was dressed in his clothes from the night before. I handed him his coffee and said, “I'll be back. The rules here are you do NOT go in that office. If you stay here, I'll explain the rooms you may NOT go in and which ones you may. The alarm is set up for it to be triggered in those rooms you're not allowed in, so it will let me know.
If you go to South Carolina with me, most of the rooms out there are accessible to you. This house is entirely different.”
“Why do you have it this way here?”
“There are priceless antiques here which aren't in South Carolina. I'd go into it more, but I need to make a few calls.”
“Ok, what do I do?”
“The living room has the television. Watch something for a moment and I'll be done in a flash.”
“Ok”
He went and I went into the office. I shut the door and dialed Mary Lou. “Rhette!”
“Hi hon, I need to speak with you for a moment to do a personal favor.”
“What's that?”
“Bev. I need to have you to ask her to release her grandson's possessions. IF he's stolen anything from her house, I'll replace it, but if she's holding them after she threw him out for being gay, I'll ask you to ask her to release them and if not, I'll file suit on behalf of him for the items.”
“Oh goodness! You and Jaymes are together!”
“I'm going to say we're not, but I'm not ruling it out.”
“I've not seen him since he was little. How's he doing?”
“Not well, but he'll be better. He's got a bit of a crack addiction, but I'm sorting it out and helping him. Charley is being kind enough to get him in to repair his teeth so he'll have those.”
“He's that messed up?”
“Yes, but right now, I've got to get the pieces of him he's got scattered all over the place in one spot. Then, we can work on putting him back together.”
“Are you qualified to help him?”
“I need six hours to be certified. If anyone wants to press the issue, I certainly can have the certification before they ever have me seeing the inside of a courtroom.”
“She threw him out because he's gay?!”
“Yeah, but you know how she is in regards to that.”
“Why was he there?”
“Jeff had some issues with Jarad. He moved to her house and lived. He likes to dye his hair, so she put him out and he went home to deal with that.”
“I'll ask her.”
“Ask her and tell her nothing. You know if she finds out he's here, she'll do something there and I don't want issues with you. IF she brings them, I'll certainly make them bigger and you know the wounds she made aren't healed, nor will they ever be.”
“She won't do anything here. YOU and anything dealing with you are hands off for her. She and I understand that and there's probably no one safer for him to be around right now because of that.”
“Let me know. You've got my cell number.”
“How's life treating you?”
“Going fast, but it's sorting itself out.”
“Are you coming back?”
“No, actually, I'm going to be going to New York City to look into buying a place. If you know anyone there who might have repos, I'd certainly be interested.”
“Let me make some calls. What price range?”
“I don't know. I want the nicest for the cheapest. You know how I am!”
She laughed, “Do you want a condo, brownstone, or what?”
“I want whatever is worth the most for the cheapest. Tell whomever I'd kill for a view of the Statue of Liberty and preferably, if I could get it in a famous building or have a view of another famous building also, it'd be great.”
“I'm about to make a call up there. Let me see what I can do.”
“I appreciate it.”
I hung up and dialed Jeff. “Hello?”
“Hey, what did you find out with that woman in New York?”
“I upset her by calling. When I told her that her brother gave us the number, she said we'd have to submit a portfolio.”
“I'll call her. She should know if I start making calls to get you guys portfolio shots, I'm not going to go with her unless she's the best. Then, I'll fuck her senseless with your fees over that slight.”
“What do you know about that?”
“I know enough I can make three phone calls and have the best in the business doing your shots when we need them. Let me call and see what I can do.”
“You know famous photographers?”
“No, but I know three famous people who can certainly get me the best in the business.”
“Who do you know?”
“I'm not at liberty to say their names. Let's just say you probably like all of them.”
“You KNOW them?!”
“Yeah, like really know them. I know them well enough to have their numbers under secret in this cell phone and their names under code so I'm never giving it out.”
“Man!”
“Let me go and call your Mom to get Jaymes' things from her. She put him out because he's gay and wouldn't let him retrieve them.”
“Uh...”
“Jeff, I've just got off the phone with Mary Lou having her ask her also. IF she refuses, I'll be all too happy to file suit against her on his behalf to get them back.”
“I'll call her.”
“We're going to go get him some clothes and then, we'll go get him breakfast and go to Charley's. Afterwards, we'll see how it goes as to what we'll be doing. I'll fill you in.”
“I'll call your cell phone.”
“Thanks.”
“Thank you!”
I hung up and made the three phone calls. Then, I called two more famous people I am acquainted with and got their opinion of the names I got. I got told one of the people have a waiting list of something nearly a year and another won't even take new clients.
When I rang off, Jeff called and said, “She'll have it out on the porch. He's to get it and he's to never step foot on her property again. She told me Jarad is welcome there, but not Jaymes...because Jarad dates girls!”
“Well, that's her loss. I'll call Mary Lou and get her pulled off her.”
“It'd be good.”
“I'll call you later and thanks again.”
I went out and he said, “Man, you said it'd be a short call!”
“It was. It led to more calls. Now I've got people working all over the place!”
“Gyp and Brad are thinking they're hungry.”
“They've got food in there. She thinks she can beg and get three minute eggs. I don't have any here.”
“You can't cook a three minute egg?”
“They're microwavable eggs. They come precooked and you throw them in the microwave for three minutes. When they're done, you've got hot eggs which can be torn apart for them. They're heart smart, so she's not getting stuff she's not supposed to get eating three eggs at a time.”
“Man!”
“Let's go get your stuff.”
“You called my grandma?!”
“No, I called your grandma's boss and your Dad. Your Dad called her and you're to never step foot on her property again after you get your things.”
“She said that?”
“It's because you're gay. I imagine when you're a famous model, she'll eat those words.”
“Yeah, when I'm famous...” He said sarcastically.
“Don't count me out on that. Your Dad called that woman and she wants a portfolio. I'll be damned if I pay for that when she can be paying for it. SO, I'll pay for it with one of the best and we'll shop you around to some friends of friends of friends.”
“How?”
“One of my friends is acquainted with a top Supermodel. She's going to speak with her and get you guys in the door that way with Ford.”
“You know people who can do that?”
“Let's just say when I show your pictures to my friend, she'll probably want you and your Dad out on tour with her as background dancers.”
“Why?”
“Because you're that good looking. She knows if I say you're hot, she's knowing someone's hot. She's already taken someone from this town and put him in a video of hers, so I know she can and will do it.”
“Who is it?”
“It doesn't work that way. When you've got someone who is famous as a friend, you don't pass along their names unless they want them passed. If you do it without permission, you tend to not be their friend again. Let's just say I can get the best tickets in the house with them whenever I want them and not pay a thing for them.”
“I see your coffee table here has a lot of ticket stubs. Some of them are OLD!”
“Some of them are when I went with your Dad to see those concerts. He probably threw his away, but I held onto mine.”
“I doubt it. He's got lots of junk.”
“These aren't junk. They're memories.”
“You've seen Madonna a lot!”
“Yeah, and if you see those seats, you see there's nothing on them.”
“Why's that?”
“Best tickets in the house don't have them. Usually, it's in an exclusive area.”
“You know her!”
“She's wanting to see your pictures. She's calling a guy who does her photos to see if he's got an opening in about three months. Until then, we've got to get you and your Dad into shape and get your teeth bought. So, let's go!”
He jumped up smiling, “Man! I can't believe you know her!”
“It's not hard to know her. It's hard staying acquainted with her. She's got a lot of so-called friends who use her.”
We left and I drove over to his grandma's house. When we parked, I went over with him to get his boxes. The front door came flying open and she yelled, “I can't believe you'd stoop so low to be with him!”
I smiled, “Good morning Bev! I not stooping. He's your son's son. From what I hear, you dismissed your association with Jaymes, so please give me another reason to sue you for slandering me some more.”
Jaymes said, “Come on, let's get out of here!”
She yelled, “I'm calling the cops!”
Jaymes looked scared and I said, “Let's get the things and wait for them.”
“Get off my property!”
“Bev, yell a little louder, I need witnesses besides the video that truck is picking up. I've got this voice recorder here and it's doing a fine job picking up the audio for that video. I'll wait for the police once they're called. If you choose not to call them, I'll hear that also. We'll be waiting out there for five minutes and then, we'll drive off if you've not called them.”
We carried the boxes and put them in the back seat area. My cell phone rang. “Hello?”
Mary Lou's voice, “She's called the cops. You're armed and threatening her.”
“Ok, I'll call Seth. I'll need a copy of the 9-1-1 tape and her report so I can sue her. You should know I've got the voice recorder going and now have video in my truck of what happened here. I'm legally able to record her voice with the recorder and the video without sound.”
“I'll call her and tell her she's up against a no win situation.”
“Tell her she's slandering me and I'm not going to back off this time. If she makes a report, it gets papers filed against her on both of our behalves this afternoon. My advice is for you not to print anything, not even the police call.”
“I'm not. I'll call her.”
The police cruiser rolled up with lights and siren going. Hearnes got out and came over. He spoke into his microphone and said, “Rhette, what's going on?”
“Here, I'll let you see what's going on. You're not getting a copy of the tapes, so don't ask.”
I played my voice recorder all the way back to when I spoke with Jeff. Then, I play it so it matched up with the video. Hearnes said, “There's no crime here, you're free to go.”
“Beg the bitch to file a reports so I can sue her for slander!”
He smiled, “I can't. You've proven there's no crime here. Save copies so I've got them if she ever says you're a repeat offender.”
“Ok, but meet Jaymes while you're here because I want him to have your cell number.”
They met and then, he said, “I'll go speak with her and tell her you've demonstrated there's no crime. She told his Dad to tell him to come and he did. She can't say you're trespassing now that you're here to get them.”
“I appreciate it.”
He turned to Jaymes, “If I hear you're doing crack, buying it, or under the influence of it more than you are, you're dealing with me and not him. When you deal with me, it's got charges with it. You don't need that.”
Jaymes nodded and I said, “Go handle the woman. We're working out at lunch time at the Y. You might want to come.”
“Why?”
“The scenery is going to be pretty.”
He smiled, “I'll get lunch and bring it.”
“I've got it planned already. You just show and bring an appetite for meat!”
Jaymes laughed and Hearnes smiled, “You're not right!”
“I am, you're just not used to anyone as vocal as me. I think you wouldn't mind it if I were speaking other words to you like 'harder', 'faster', and 'deeper'.”
He laughed, “I need to go!”
Jaymes laughed and we got in the truck, “He's gay?”
“Yes, but you never breathe a word of it to anyone. He'll help you as long as you're good to him in that manner.”
“Why'd you ask him to come?'
“Your Dad is going to be there. It'd be nice if your Dad could know some people who he could be friends with and possibly date around here.”
He smiled, “You trying to set my Dad up with someone?”
“I'm trying to get your Dad out of his shell. I do think your Dad would be more secure with him and I do think Jarad wouldn't pull anything when he found out they were dating.”
“Ohhhhhh!”
“It's something which benefits them. I know Hearnes is single and I know he's looking. I also know he's picky about who he sees and one of them is NOT Joe.”
“Why didn't you mention him to him?”
“I need him going to your grandma's door without his hand on his pistol. She's enough to put him over the edge after mentioning Joe's name.”
“He doesn't like him that much?!”
“Let's just say I put them out on a date together and they dated once. THEN, they went to my house and I can't say what happened.
What I do know happened afterwards is Joe went up to where his kid is and thought because he had a cop friend he wouldn't be hauled away in cuffs. He quickly found out a restraining order is a restraining order and a cop boyfriend isn't going to stop any violations of it. Hearnes got him out of trouble, but he also cut Joe loose.”
“Why do you want to set him up with my Dad?”
“Because it benefits your Dad and your Dad is mature enough to not use him.”
He nodded, “Where are we going now?”
“To Walmart*”
“Why?”
“To get you some clothes to wear so you're not feeling insecure with Charley.”
“I'm ok.”
“Let's do it. That way, you're not ill at ease while we're at breakfast, or doing anything afterwards.”
He said, “Ok, but you don't have to buy me things.”
“No, but I also know if I were in your position, I'd want to look my best.”
“You don't think I look my best?”
“I think you're fine out of clothes. A lot of people would think so too, but for those who don't think so, we need to have things which don't make you look like they're four sizes too large.”
“Oh!”
“I'd rather have people thinking you're super skinny instead of, “Man, that's a crack addict who sure has lost weight.”
“Am I THAT skinny?!”
“If I held up a photo of you next to what you look like now, you'd see the difference.”
We went in and I asked, “What's your waist size?”
“These are twenty eights.”
“Ok, we've got to go to the jeans section or sweats and try some on. I'm not going to embarrass you by taking you to the kid's section.”
We went back and I handed him jeans. He went in and tried them on and came out. He was down to a 22 waist.
“Man, I've not been this size since 7th grade!”
“Let's hope you don't get back to this size again.” I threw him some sweats and said, “Hand those back, they've not got pockets in them.”
“I don't need pockets.”
“You do. You'll need them to work out.”
We went back to the electronics section and I found him a set of headphones and got him an iPod. Then, it was to the shoe section where I got him socks and shoes. I said, “Get that sales girl and tell her we need help in Electronics.”
“Ok”
We went back over and the girl got a manager over. “How can I help you today?!”
“I need that cell phone there. I don't need the plan because I've already got the plan. I need another phone to replace this, but I want that SIM card left in it.”
“We have to sell them with a plan if we have the SIM card left in them.”
“We'll go to an AT&T store. I'll get him an iPhone there.”
We walked away and went to the front.
“You don't have to get me a phone! I've got a plan!”
“Yes, and that number is known to everyone who you don't want to contact you.”
“I could get a different number there.”
“AT&T will buy out your plan and serve you better. I happen to know if I called down there to that office where you got that phone, you'd have me knowing your number.”
“How?”
“They're that free with their numbers. They think it's a service of acting as if they were information for their numbers. I see it as a violation of your privacy.”
“I didn't know that!”
“I didn't either until someone told me that's how he got my number...yours truly, Joe.”
“Oh man!”
“Yeah, so that's when I went over to AT&T. Since then, I've needed them to do a lot for me and they've gotten it done. My phone here is bundled with phone service for the houses and cable service for the houses. The house out in South Carolina has a call forward feature with unlimited long distance to this number, so I know I get all calls.”
“That's smart.”
“Besides, I don't use all my minutes and all your calls would only be nine or ten bucks more a month.”
We checked out and I stopped over at the bathroom. “Go in and get dressed. Put your old clothes in this bag.”
“Why?”
“Because I want you looking good dammit!”
“Okay! All you had to do was say so!”
He went in and I scolded myself on the words and tone I'd used. I realized his trust was still in development and decided to make it better.
When he came out, I pulled a size sticker off his shirt and said, “Nice choice.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem.”
We took the bags from the cart and went out. When we got to the truck, I said, “I'm sorry for snapping at you. I realize your trust is still developing with me and you're going to question things. I shouldn't have snapped.”
“It's ok, I realize I ask 'why' a lot.”
“It's because you want to have your trust built. When you trust me more, you'll not question things so much.”
We drove out to Charley's and went in. He said, “I've never been here.”
Charley's secretary, said, “Hey babe! Here's his forms we need filled out. Go on in Exam 1 and he'll meet you there.”
“Ok”
We went in and Charley smiled at me, “Show me your smile?!”
I smiled and he said, “Damn that looks nice.”
“It ought to. It probably built that mansion you live in!”
He laughed, “No, just the first floor. After that, it was all easy to pay for.”
Jaymes chuckled and said, “You don't look his age.”
Charley smiled, “And you look like your Dad did at your age. My God you look alike!”
Jaymes turned, “You told him who my Dad is?!”
“NO! All it takes is anyone who knew your Dad to see you and know you're his kid.”
Charley said, “He told me nothing about who you were. He told me I'd know who you were as soon as I saw you. He was right. I know who you are and your last name, but tell me your first name.”
“Jaymes.”
“Your Dad's first initial.”
“And the rest of my Mom's name with me and an es.”
“Who's your Mom?”
I said, “Kay.”
“Man! They make anymore kids which look as good as you?”
Jaymes smiled, “My brother, but he got all the leftovers.”
I laughed, “His brother looks like Kay with a lot of Jeff thrown in. Both of them are enough like Jeff to easily see he's their daddy.”
“How's Jeff doing?”
“Great. Still out at the college. Who would've thought he'd be out there at a Baptist college!”
Charley smiled, “It's sort of like John being a cop. We're supposed to forget their high school years.”
Jaymes laughed, “Were you around them a lot?”
“I was around Rhette a lot. Then, he went off to parts unknown and the next time I saw him, he was laying on an emergency room table all tore up and unrecognizable. I nearly passed out when I realized it was him.”
He turned away and said, “Let me step outside for a moment.” He went outside and Jaymes asked, “Is he crying?!”
“It was that bad. You expect to see people and have them the same when you see them...not with parts of their bodies laying outside of where it's supposed to be and all the rest cut open and exposed.”
He came back in and said, “I'm sorry.”
“No, it's fine. It says you care.”
He smiled and said to me, “I've got an idea with this bill.”
“Ok.”
He turned to Jaymes and said, “Lay down there and let me get a view. Then, I'll get x-rays and see what I need to do here.”
He turned to me and said, “Since my kids are getting scholarships, I won't ask you to pay for their college.”
Jaymes laughed with Charley's instruments in his mouth.
I said, “Thank God! IF I charged you what I charge everyone else to put their tools in my mouth, we'd be even!”
Jaymes busted out laughing and Charley busted out laughing. He pulled his instruments out and said, “Rhette! I'm supposed to remain professional here!”
His receptionist came in, “Oh hon, is Rhette making you laugh too much again!”
She came over and hugged me, “Man! You look better and better each time I see you!”
“Thanks. And you look better and better each time I see you too! Come over here and sit on my lap and we'll get this form filled out.”
Charley turned and said, “Wait on that! I want to speak with him about it first.”
She nodded, “Ok, I'll take it back out. However, sitting on his lap is pretty comfortable.”
He smiled, “You always go for the ones you can't have!”
She laughed, “Thank goodness! You'd be mad at me if I did any other.”
He smiled, “I'd tell you his boyfriend wouldn't like it, but I don't know if they're together.”
I said, “It's official. We slept together last night. He's ruined for anyone else now. He went to the top of the mountain. It's all downhill from there.”
Jaymes started laughing and Charley said, “I sure didn't need to fix that ego!”
He looked around and then came over and sat down. “Jaymes, you can spit in that bowl and I'll sit you up. We need to talk and then, I'll see what he wants to do here.”
Jaymes spat and Charley sat him up and turned him. He said, “Here's the deal. I'll do all the caps and everything this morning, but most they need is caps. The damage isn't as bad as I was led to believe. I do want to tell you I've got a laser which can do a lot of the work he needs on the rest of them. He'll be in pain, but there's five caps there.”
I nodded, “Ok, what's the deal?”
“You do a commercial for me and pay me five grand and I'll call it even. I do want to use your photos in a symposium I'm giving.”
“For that difference, I'll go and do it!”
His receptionist laughed. He said, “You might want to. I think it'd be up your alley. It's on cadaver care.”
“Oh!”
Jaymes asked, “When can I get my new teeth?!”
Charley said, “Are you in the mood for a little pain this morning?”
Jaymes paled and stared at me. I said, “Charley, you might put him out. I warned him what a little pain is to you.”
“You warned him?! I'm better now since I got these new chairs. You press a button and when it's painful, you medicate yourself. When we get to the danger limit, a buzzer sounds and I am warned you're in pain. We installed that doorbell up there so when it's the law coming in, we stop!”
I laughed, and Jaymes asked, “Is he serious!”
“Never a day in my life have I been serious!”
His receptionist went out laughing and I said, “Jaymes, when his kids were born, I hear he wore a catcher's mask.”
Jaymes chuckled and said, “Oh man!”
Charley laughed and said, “My wife would shoot you for that!”
“Nah, she'd tell me it's been too long since I've been over and insist I come for dinner.”
He smiled, “She would, but we had a problem getting the kids to behave afterwards. They kept threatening they would turn out like you if we made them behave anymore.”
Jaymes laughed, “I know your son. I think.”
“You might.”
Charley stood up and said, “Let's get you prepped for this and we'll get it done.”
I said, “Why don't you get ready and we'll go eat first. He's not had anything to eat since yesterday.”
“Oh! Ok, but we'll be ready in half an hour.”
“I'll have him back.”
We went over to Logue's restaurant to eat. Elke' smiled and asked, “Your usual hon?”
“Yeah, but make it two of them.”
“I'll tell Larry. He'll bring on the second shift early to cook.” She said laughing.
We went in and sat down and stared out the window.
Jaymes said, “His son is gay.”
“Do you know for sure, or just think so?”
“I know for sure. We did some things.”
“Is he in your crowd out there?”
“No, this was last year.”
“Oh, ok.”
“You're not upset I told you, are you?”
“No. Do you mind he does the work on you?”
“No, I like him. He is good looking.”
“And hopelessly straight. His receptionist is a darling. She's his sister-in-law.”
“Oh!”
“His wife is someone we went to school with and they're two really sweet people.”
“Chuck is too. I stopped hanging around him because he told me he wouldn't be boyfriends with me.”
“Why?”
“He's going to college to be a dentist like his Dad.”
“Is he afraid his Dad is going to find out?”
“No, he didn't want to be apart while he was in college and he knew I wasn't going to college.”
“Well, it's his loss.”
When our food arrived, he stared at me, “You expect me to eat all this?!”
“Well yeah! It's good stuff!”
“It's also like everything in their kitchen!”
Elke' laughed, “Hon, we joke because we can't believe he eats that! I'll get your tea hon.”
Jaymes said, “I'll have coffee.”
She left and he said, “It's a lot of food!”
“It's also what I eat when I come here. I don't eat out at breakfast time that often, but when I do, I want good food. It's always here or a buffet on the road.”
She brought our drinks and said, “I'll get your hot sauce hon.”
“Thanks.”
She left and he asked, “Hot sauce for breakfast?!”
“The gravy. It needs a bit of a kick to get me out of the chair when I eat all this.”
He smiled, “Where do I start?”
“At the top. If you start at the bottom, it will collapse and fall on you.”
(I make it sound like it's a lot, but it's not. It's a trucker's breakfast at most truckstops with a Belgian waffle and strawberries over it on the side. Instead of eggs, I get a three egg omelet made western style with double veggies and then, there's a really large order of shredded potatoes with gravy over them and an extra large chicken fried steak with that same style of gravy. Instead of toast, I ask for texas toast made on the grill and those get the strawberries over them also. He charges me eight dollars and it's a good meal.)
We ate and in no time, I was finished, he stared over, “I can't believe you ate all that!”
“It's good, is it not?”
“It's wonderful, but I'm not used to eating this much.”
“Ok, eat what you can and slide what you can't over here.”
He looked over at me and asked, “You can eat more?!”
“Yeah, I'll eat light for lunch.”
He laughed, “If I ate all this, I'd not eat for lunch.”
“You won't because you'll be with new teeth.”
“Will they look nice?”
“Like these except real.”
He slid over half his chicken fried steak and the texas toast. I made a sandwich from it and he looked ill, “You do realize you just mixed those strawberries in with that gravy?”
“It all goes the same place. You wanna see what it looks like all mixed up?”
He smiled, “No!”
“Good, I don't want anyone to think you're running around with a bulimic.”
“I like these potatoes this way.”
“Super extra crunchy. They stay down when I'm upchucking everything. Larry says he puts them on the grill first and then forgets about them while everything else is cooking. Then, he flips them over and cooks the meat. He said he's never seen anyone like them like that but me. I'll be happy to tell him you like them.”
He smiled, “He does them different for you?”
“Yeah, he throws onions on the grill first. Then, he cooks them.”
Elke came over and said to Jaymes, “You ate more than I thought you would!”
He pointed and smiled, “He ate most of my steak and the toast!”
She laughed, “Well, I won't ask if you want desert!”
I said, “Tell Larry he's got another convert over to these style of potatoes.”
“He's feeling offended you didn't come into the kitchen while he was cooking.”
“I'll have to go and apologize. We were in a hurry. He's getting a lot of dental work done.”
“Oh! Well, you came to the right place then hon.”
“We'll be here more. I need to get twenty pounds on him in three months. He's got a modeling shoot then.”
“You do!”
He smiled and said, “He wants me to be a model.”
“You're certainly good looking enough! And your skin is good, so it might work!”
She turned to me, “Who are you having do the pictures?”
“Stephen somebody. He's doing it for a friend of mine who called him and told him she had a rush job.”
“You're lucky, he's booked solid from what I hear. It'd have to be a big name to get the rush job.”
“It is.”
She smiled, “Tell him I said Hi. He'll remember me.”
“He shoot you?”
“Yes. If he doesn't remember, you tell him to look on his wall at twenty two and he'll remember me.”
“Ok”
We got up and I handed her my credit card. “Put it on this and have him sign for it. I'll go say hi to Larry.”
“Sure thing hon.”
I went into the kitchen and went over to stand beside Larry. He turned and smiled, “Hey kiddo!”
“Hey old man, I had to make this one quick. I'm taking him back over for caps on his teeth. We'll be in more and when I do, we need everything with added calories for him. He's got to put on weight.”
“He's skinny as hell.”
“He's coming off crack.”
“Oh! Bad shit, that stuff is.”
“We got him in time. Just remember to tell Elke' the food with the extra calories goes to him. I don't need them.”
He laughed, “You eat enough for three people!”
“Yes, but you make it good enough I want lots of it. I don't get good food like this unless I come here...well, Mabel's and the crab shack back home, but Mabel cooks like you do, only it's a buffet.”
“Oh!”
“She puts tables out and serves it in bowls. There's no hot table.”
“They health board lets her do that?!”
“She's moving food that fast. Her place seats about two fifty and there's a line of people all the time.”
He nodded, “Where's it at?”
“Bluffton, South Carolina.”
“I've been through there. Some mighty fine golf courses there.”
“Give me a call the next time you're through. You can stay at my place and use the two courses I'm able to use at no cost.”
He smiled, “I'll give you a call. We can't this month because we're going to Germany....maybe next month.”
“Even if I'm not there, I'll make sure it's open for you. Feel free to stay there none the less.”
“I wouldn't feel right.”
“And yet, you tell me to come over to your place and stay all the time when I'm out in Vegas! I wouldn't feel right if you stayed anywhere else!”
He smiled, “I'll give you a call.”
“I've got a golf cart and the membership card is always in the kitchen on the hook for keys. I'll program the security system for you to use it. When you get there, I'll give you the code.”
He nodded, “Everything alright?”
“Life's going fast Larry. I just have to tell myself at times like this, I was wanting it when I was laying in that hospital. It all evens out eventually.”
“Try not spending it all so soon!”
“I can't spend the interest as fast as it's coming in.”
He laughed, “Give some to Elke'. She'll show you how to get rid of it in a hurry!”
I laughed, “I bet she could! I do know if I need a designer for my place in New York, I'm giving her a call.”
“You looking for a place up there?”
“Yeah.”
“Talk with her. She's wanting to sell that place of hers up there.”
“Where's it at?”
“It's in the Trump Towers. She has an entire floor there.”
“I'll go ask.”
I left the kitchen and washed my hands in the butler's pantry. When I got to the front, I asked, “Larry said you're interested in selling your apartment in New York.”
“Oh yes!”
“When can I see it?”
“Just tell me when and I'll go with you.”
“Let me check and see when he's got a day off from work.”
She nodded, “Ok, let me know.”
We left and he asked, “Who's she?”
“She was a famous model and then, she went on television for a while in the 70's. They had a talent show she was on a lot as a guest judge. It was like a comedy version of American Idol.”
“Oh!”
“The idea isn't new. Only the amount of money they pay is different.”
“Has she had plastic surgery?”
“Is it that obvious?”
He laughed, “Everything is pulled back so tight I was wondering.”
“She told me once she had a face lift and a boob lowering so she didn't have them as ears. I'd say it's nipped, tucked, sucked, peeled, and filled about every way imaginable.”
He laughed, “Oh man!”
“They're a great couple. I love them and if she's got a place for sale, I'm definitely going to look at it. When do you have a day off?”
“I'm on lay off. All my days are off.”
“Getting unemployment?”
“No.”
“Call. They don't contest it. I know someone who has gotten it from them for over a year. They called her back and had her for a month and then, laid her back off.”
“They do that a lot now.”
“She never got enough hours to come off partial unemployment, but made three dollars more than what it took to get a new claim.”
“She got lucky.”
“You probably remember her. I think I gave you and she some hours when I worked there.”
“You hardly worked when you worked there.”
“I answered phoned for four weeks. Then, I found myself burned out again and started giving away hours. The way their computer system is, it sees me as working all my hours and gives me more. Of course, I had to give away more hours and finally, I told them to lay me off.”
“I know you gave me a lot of hours.”
“I would go to her and then then you and then little Mikey and Aaron. I knew you guys needed the hours.”
“Is she the tall red head?”
“Yeah, the millionaire poor girl.”
“How's that?”
“On paper, that thirteen thousand acre farm she owns makes her a millionaire. Her brother farms it and remembers her about like the bill collectors he's outrunning. She has to work her ass off in order to stay alive. Of course, driving clear into Hannibal from out near bumfuck sure isn't easy in that beast of a four wheel drive, but she showed when she said she would and I never once thought twice about giving her my hours.”
“Why do they not give some people hours and others, they load down?”
“Honestly, I think the hours go to the pretty people. Those who don't decorate the place get laid off.”
“Then why did I get laid off?”
“Hon, put on thirty pounds and let's get your teeth fixed and you'll be getting hours again. To them, you stopped being pretty. It's all bullshit because answering a telephone where the person can't see you and doesn't care what you look like, it shouldn't matter.”
“Is that why you were the way you were?”
“How was I?”
“You were real obvious you didn't care about the job.”
“Hon, I worked the job because I needed to be someplace other than my house when Kevin was out fucking around with Jerry. I'd work the sign shop and then, I'd go out there just so I wouldn't have to be home alone.
The problem with me going out there is the calls I got were all intensive customer service. Either they were yelling, screaming, or cursing, or they were manipulating to get free merchandise or massive discounts.
Our problem out there was we couldn't see the merchandise to see if it was actually damaged. We had to believe them...which sucked.
What got me over to their investigative section was someone shipped me a customer whose accounts I went through and the more I searched, the more I found other names to that address and it all linked to her. She hung herself for the fraud.”
“What did they do to her?”
“Here's what they did. They exposed her as a fraud, shut off her card, and that's it. She walked away with over six hundred thousand dollars worth of goods.”
“What!”
“In doing the investigations, I was a part of a team of three. I was the only person in our office.
I'd go through accounts and I'd search for fraud. It was easy for me to find because I knew their computer system like the back of my hand and made changes in their code when I needed to make back doors.
What bugged the hell out of me was I am very curious as to what is getting done behind me. So, I made a page saver in their system and started saving records of where I was when and what the final disposition was when it was prosecuted.
What ended up happening was I started leaving notes in there to those who were supposed to prosecute. One day, I came in and they took me into the office and accused me of vandalizing their system.
Of course, it pissed me off and I said, “Ok, prosecute me for it right after you prosecute all the people you're not prosecuting. Otherwise, fire me and shut the hell up because as I see it, you've got me working on this stuff and no one's going to court.”
“What did they do?”
“They lay their cards on the table and offered me a job in their home office to help. It seems they've only got one company lawyer and he doesn't prosecute the cases I was working on. He doesn't even turn them into the prosecutor up there to do and they decided they wanted me to do that job.”
“You never took it?”
“Yeah, I'm going to take a job for thirty grand a year and move up there when I'm making a fortune here and already own my own home.”
“So what happened?”
“I turned them down and told them I didn't need the job. They agreed to lay me off with condition I could work again when I so chose. When I got out of the hospital, I went and they put me in the intensive customer service section telling me it was the same thing. It wasn't.
What it was, was a supervisor over customer service. I'd have to listen to people yelling, cussing, and screaming and play passivist and give them discounts. It was a demotion as far as I was concerned.
So, what I did was I gave the hours away to you guys and when I couldn't handle it anymore, I got laid off again. This time, I won't go back.”
“Everyone said you left because of your cancer.”
“That wasn't the reason I left. What changed for me wasn't because I HAD cancer, but a nagging question in my mind which was, “IS this helping this company and will it matter in six months what I do today? The answer kept coming back, “Your ass will be dead and not a thing in this place is going to change because they've got so many profits coming in the front door, they're failing to see losses go out the back in customer theft.”
“I knew it was bad. I've caught several but our policy is to give them a discount just the same.”
“The key there is to read all the notes and see if they've gotten discounts before. IF they have, and all their orders have been discounted, you're looking at someone who has learned if they call, they get everything for fifty or more percent off.”
“I know! They fail to realize what their system does! The first person who discounts gives them fifteen percent off. So, if they had a dollar worth of merchandise, that's eighty five cents left they owe. If they call in again, it gives twenty five percent off. Normally, it'd be them paying seventy five cents, but with their system, it's twenty five percent off that eighty five cents. So, they're left owing sixty three cents. Then, it gets to intensive where you're giving them fifty percent off and that's making it something like thirty two cents when it should be fifty cents.”
“Hon, here's why they're not fixing it. Their mark up on that stuff is something like them selling a lamp for a hundred and fifty dollars when they got it for six dollars. They're still making huge profits off that lamp. So even when you see all those discounts, they're still making something like forty five dollars profit on that lamp.”
“Man!”
“That's why they don't fix the system. It's not telling them they're losing money. I could've fixed it for them, but after I got told I was vandalizing their system, I said 'fuck it' and decided my job title only had me doing x job and not care whether y job was making them go broke.”
“It's terrible working there.”
“I know. The morale sucks and the people are hateful. In a different place, they'd have it set up different and they'd have everyone taking laugh breaks. It'd boost the workers and you'd have people looking forward to working there.”
“It's like the supervisors there are all interested in fucking each other instead of doing their jobs.”
“No, you're wrong there. If you'd said, “Fucking each other and being hateful to everyone” you would've been one hundred percent accurate.
What's bad is I was a supervisor there and not one time did I go to a back room with anyone. And, I hope people think I wasn't hateful to them.”
“They didn't. Everyone wanted to be in your section.”
“What I did was I cheated and got everyone I wanted in my section. That's why you got transferred, as well as Aaron, Little Mikey, Birthday Girl, and that's why when I left, I asked for Joanie to be in my place.”
“Why did you call her Birthday Girl?!”
“It's funny, because it's my imagination. She was always so bubbly and cheerful she jumped up from her chair when she got up. I turned once when she got up and thought, “If that girl ever took to jumping up out of cakes nude, she'd be the perfect one for the job!” Since then, I called her birthday girl and what's funny is she thought you had the hots for her.”
“She did?!”
“You showed her your stomach once.”
“I showed her my stomach asking her if she thought I had a six pack because I wanted to show you my six pack if I had one. I wasn't going to show you something and have you tell me there wasn't one.”
I smiled, “You should've offered to show me the eight inches hanging below that six pack.” But, you were underage then and I wouldn't have bit. So, it's better you didn't.”
He laughed and we parked. “You ready?”
“Is it going to hurt?”
“No more than a tattoo on your eyeball. He says he's got stuff for the pain now, so use it.”
“Oh man! I don't want to do this!”
“Think about how many people are going to see your pictures in the catalogs and magazines and fantasize about you.”
He laughed, “No pain, no gain.”
“If pain, press the button until the cops come.”
“He was joking about that, wasn't he?”
“He probably was about the cops, but I do know the chairs exist.”
“You're not about to let me feel secure about this, are you?” he said smiling.
“I guess I'm sharing my own insecurity with you. The man might've saved my life and made it so they could make me look decent again, but I'll never feel good around dentists.”
We went in and Charley had the room ready.
“Sit there Jaymes.”
Jaymes sat down and said, “If Rhette passes out, drag him out and the paramedics to revive him.”
Charley said, “If he makes you feel uncomfortable, we can ask him to wait outside.”
“It's you who make him feel uncomfortable. He feels ill at ease about dentists. He said you say something is going to hurt a little and then had him begging for Demerol and Morphine.”
Charley smiled, “Rhette probably was in pain. When I first saw him in that emergency room, I know I needed something for what anxiety I was feeling. I've never seen anything so bad and then, when I realized it was a friend of mine I used to wish I looked like, it was unnerving.”
“You used to wish you looked like me?”
“You were very good looking. We got you back, but you're not the same as you were.”
“My face looks like my Mom's side of the family now. I think I look more like Jilli than I ever did.”
He smiled, “Little Jilli went out and got famous. How's she doing?”
“As mean and hateful as ever.”
“I hear you had her back here at Christmas.”
“She was coming back. She went to South Carolina and then didn't want to leave me. So, we drove back the long way and got here in twenty one hours instead of ten.”
He looked at me strangely, “What way did you go?!”
“We went down across southern Georgia, into Alabama, up through Tennessee through Nashville up to Dale, Indiana and over on 70 into St. Louis and up.”
“Why that way?”
“Jilli films in mountains, but is afraid to drive in them. So, we bypassed the mountains and caught freezing rain, tornadoes, and three flat tires instead.”
“Where'd you have the flat tires?”
“Down in Alabama on I-65. They've got a texture on the road down there which isn't over the bridges. The bridges are concrete, so you drive along and boom, you're on a bridge and boom, you're off the bridge back onto sandpaper.”
“Sort of like the pavement down by our house?”
“Down on 79?”
“Yeah.”
“Where do you live down on 79?”
“Fort Mason Estates.”
“Damn, you were one hill away from her! My parents live on the next hill!”
“Past Fort Mason?”
“Yeah.”
“Big long ranch on the top of the mountain?”
“Yeah. Jilli and I worked out in that pasture up on top of the mountain.”
“The one which is for sale for a million?”
“Yeah, that's my parent's land. It's no longer for sale. My Dad gave it to me. I'm thinking about building a copy of my South Carolina house up there.”
“Why?”
Jaymes said, “Go get your laptop and show him. When he sees your place is nicer than theirs, he'll really rack you a new one for these caps.”
Charley laughed, “You need to keep him Rhette. He's got a personality like yours.”
“I'll be back. I'll go get the laptop.”
I went out to the truck and came in. I sat up the laptop and opened out the speakers put the keyboard out and then, the mouse. Charley asked, “Where'd you get that computer?”
“A friend of mine works at Apple. I told him what I wanted and he had 'em make this up. It's a bit thicker, but it's got the speakers built in, a normal keyboard, a quad processor, and a normal mouse. There's a cd/dvd writer in there and there's a five hundred gig hard drive with a built in reader for all those nasty little cards.
Now, here's the clincher, are you ready for the price?”
“Yeah.”
“Three hundred and eighty nine dollars from the factory.”
“What!”
“Yeah, when he told me that, I told him to make me one and I'd get it to him overnight.”
“Can you get more?”
“Yeah, but can I offer a suggestion of two upgrades which will cost you another eighty dollars?”
“What is it?”
“You definitely want a video cam and a wireless n modem. I'd not tell you to get bluetooth because it's just not worth it. You'd get all this and that for four sixty nine and you'd have a great computer for you kids at college.”
“How many can you get?”
“Well, let me see what I can do while you watch this.”
I put on the slide show of the Bluffton house.
“That's yours?!”
“Yeah, it's more impressive when you see it in person, but that picture there is what sold the house to me.”
He totally became enamored with the pics and when he got to the shot of the back porch and veranda, he said, “Oh man, you know I envy you so much!”
“Come out for a vacation and stay. I've got six bedrooms and a large large basement. There are two golf courses and I've got a golf cart, so you can stay and see everything, but that's what I want up on that hill out there. With that view and me being able to write up in the cupola, it'll be wonderful.”
“You write?”
“Gay romances. So far, I'm up to fourteen, but I've only been writing a little over a year and a half.”
“Fourteen!”
“Yeah, but you need to know the first ones were small and all their chapters together weren't what one chapter of mine is now. I'll tell you a chapter of mine now runs well over a hundred pages, so the amount of them now is equivalent to reading war and peace, but what's funny is I wrote one which was supposed to be a part of a four book series and you'd think after reading a book that long, they'd want to tell me to kill them off already, but they were so in love with the characters, they wanted a sequel. So, they're getting one.”
“Is there a lot of sex in them?”
“No. I've wrote a total of four sex scenes for all of them and two sex scenes were in one. What I learned is I prefer writing romances instead of erotica and get them to the bedroom and then stop it there.”
He nodded, “Give me that web address.”
“Ok”
He smiled and said, “You're going to have me thinking about that house non-stop now. I'm just blown away.”
“You need to know I got a deal with it. Why it never sold is beyond me, but there's a new ordinance in the community that no new houses can be built unless they're ten million and up. I got mine and twenty five acres for two point four.”
“Million?!”
“Yeah.”
“Jeez, we've got one million dollar house here and everyone thought she went nuts when she built it.”
“It's not the money part of it for her. It's that she built it next to a hog lot and then wanted to raise six kinds of shit about it afterwards. Everyone could've told her it was going to stink bad come Summer, but no, she was in love with the idea of it being romantic and thought she'd have hog roasts out there.
I'll tell you if we couldn't get kids to a keggar in that field, she wasn't going to get takers to her barbecues.”
He laughed, “You need to stop making my kids think I was a part of the party scene.”
“It's a bit too late for that. They just never heard me tell the story right. I told them we were inseparable and then, I told them I went to all the parties. They ASSUMED I meant you went with me, so you're a party animal. Besides, we all knew you were in love with the shape of those books and that's why you spread them.”
He laughed, “I think one of my kids is gay. You need to talk with him.”
“Nah, you need to talk with him if all you can say is you think he's gay. For all we know he might like being on his knees for prayer and then, me talking with him would give him a serious complex.”
He laughed, “You're too funny.”
He got serious and said, “I think he's out. Now what's really going on with him.”
“Do you want to know the truth?”
“Yeah.”
“Sit down because what I'm about to lay on you is going to blow your ass out of the water.”
He came over and sat down. “That kid's drug problem stems from rejection from your son. He loved him and yes, your son is gay, but they were together, but your son dumped him because he knew Jaymes wasn't going to college and he didn't want to be apart from him that long.”
“But it's only a few years!”
“Yeah, and your most famous patient is getting me a date for him with her photographer. You're fixing his teeth and I'm putting that weight back on him so he can be a model. In the same four years, that one will probably make what your son does in a lifetime and be able to settle down with him, but the rejection sent him careening around.
With no one to tell, he went hellbent for destruction and he found it in the arms of crack because no one else would listen.”
“So Chuck is gay?”
“Yeah, so be gentle with him and love him.”
“I love him just the same. I'm surprised he never told you when you were at the house.”
“He got away from me. I suspected there was a reason he got away, but between me and you, those two together had to be one gorgeous fuckin couple.”
“I've never seen him before.”
“He knows your house. I imagine Chuck took him there when you were gone.”
“Rhette, I'm Adam.”
“Adam who?”
“You don't know me from Adam?”
“My email Adam?!”
“Yeah.”
“So you already read my stories?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“I searched for you on the web to get pictures of you. I found your name and then followed the links to your stories. I got to reading them and the more I read, the more I understood you.”
“Is that why you read them?”
“No, but I can't discuss it. I'll tell you in emails. You stopped answering your emails, so I am owed one.”
“I stopped answering because I've just gotten through battling cancer. It's hard to tell you 'all is well' when I very easily could've wound up dead. And, it's hard to tell you it's not well when it got better.”
“What happened?”
“I had a doctor who thought he was God.
Out here at the cancer center, he replaced the one who froze the spots on the bones in my legs. It's an experimental procedure, so he didn't want to let anyone else in any other cancer treatment center perform it. Instead, he wanted me to come back here.
So, I came back and the fucker wants to tell me I'm not taking shit seriously. I was polite and then went to my lawyer and told him to show the man how serious I could be by throwing a hundred million dollar lawsuit on him. He wanted to fuck with me and say he'd lost my files when my lawyer asked for copies.
Needless to say, my lawyer outsmarted him and found another doctor who does the treatments down in Columbia at Ellis Fischell. I went down there and my previous doctor had been corresponding with him about my treatments, so he knew what prescriptions and what dye to use. In less than an afternoon, I went down, got spoke with, and then, they did the procedure and froze forty two spots on my arm and one spot on my jaw.”
“Your jaw? It's all stainless.”
“The upper jaw. You left some which was mine. It had a spot which was like an abscess which was infecting the bone where that joint was with the stainless. It showed up bright yellow meaning the cancer was in a large pocket there.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, but get this because this is going to freak you out.”
“What's that?”
“All six of the other cancer patients who have this sort of cancer live in a certain area of Mexico. It's a hot springs area down there which is in a sort of triangle of springs. I'll tell you I've never been there, but the man then asked me if I had any stainless steel in my body and I said, “Yeah, my face is stainless.”
“You think it came from the stainless?”
“I can't say. What I know is this cancer thrives in normal temperatures and attacks bone from the outside in, not in the marrow. It's like a fucking tick. It's little, burrows in, and then makes itself bigger and eats the good bone until it gets to the size of a pencil eraser in diameter and then, it releases little babies which go throughout my blood system to other bones.”
“Where have you had it?”
“Three of the bones in my legs. My left forearm and my jaw so far.”
“And freezing it kills it?”
“Yeah. Now listen because this is what will freak you out. I went through one of the most intensive bouts of chemo and radiation they could've ever thrown at me. All the while, the cancer said, “Haha, you didn't kill me motherfucker”, and spread. They were about to give up when he decided to freeze one of my testicles.
He took one and then, he froze the other. I thought he took my prostate, but he froze it instead. I can get it up, but it takes Cialis and it's not the best boner on the planet when I get it, but it works.
What ended up happening is when he froze my testicle, I made a comment asking, “Is that cancer on my nut the same kind of cancer? IF it is, why can't you freeze it instead of letting it get ahold of all the boners in my body.”
Well, the guy apparently thought about it and decided to try it. What they do is they put the dye in my body and it exposes the cancer as being yellow spots on a sea of gray. They stick a needle in and they freeze it with that nitrogen which kills it.”
“Does it hurt?”
“They numb it so all I feel is them fishing around with the needle in there. It hurts for an afternoon, but by supper, I feel like I've had the hell frogged out of that muscle but my bone doesn't hurt. I go to bed and the next day, I'm feeling fine.
When I was on the chemo, they'd give me that shit on Monday and Thursday and I'd be sick all the rest of the time and feel better just in time to go get it done again. I'll tell you if it comes to feeling like I've been frogged for an afternoon or feeling sick for six weeks, I'd rather feel bad for the one afternoon.”
“Do all these other people make the stainless steel? Or do they have it in them?”
“I don't know. For all I know, it could have been from the fucking spurs which took off my face. What I do know is I've never been there and all seven of us have that cancer.”
“You had me alarmed. I use stainless a lot!”
“I don't know. I know the man asked if I had stainless in my body and I do. I'm not pointing the finger at you. Hell, you saved my bacon, but I don't know. Maybe the spurs were stainless and came from down there.”
“What's your cancer doctor's name down there?”
“It's easy. His name is Wu. It's the sound I make when I see that babelicious dude. There's no dick there, but whoo, he sure wouldn't have to have it for me to get licky.”
He smiled, “You're nuts.”
“I wish I knew a long time ago about you. Life would've been different.”
“My wife knows what I feel for you. She saw it in my eyes. She believes I've never done anything with you, so she's not seeing you as someone who would violate our relationship.”
“No, but had I known when we were younger, life would've been different.”
“Would it?”
“Damn Charley, you have to ask that? I mean, you came into my life and I'm thinking Robbie left and I got someone better. You taught me how to study and you probably single handedly saved what grades I did get in school all because I wanted to be wanted.”
He stood up and said, “I can't say what I felt. I do know if you would've asked, I would've done anything for you. I thought you were the nicest person I knew and the most good looking.”
I smiled, “Isn't that the way it goes? I felt the same thing about you and took pride in knowing I led that troop of those who was a part of your fan club.”
“Is that how you felt?”
“Yeah, you were like someone who was perfect. You were good looking, humble, smart as a tack, and took time to speak with everyone. Your smile and your soft words to me were what it took to make it through the days some times.”
“I need to cap his teeth.”
“Make them look perfect and natural. He's got a modeling career ahead of him.”
“Are you and he going to be together?”
“No. I'm leading him in from the dark and then giving him the courage to be himself.”
“Why don't you want to be with him? The drugs?'
“No, I've got this guy here waiting on me at home.”
“That guy there?”
“Yeah, hot stuff isn't he?”
“Who is he? He looks familiar.”
“You're thinking of that one Van Patten on those teen movies. It's not him.
Jessie and I met when we had to have those tires put on my truck. Jill and I pulled into this little town in Alabama south of that Decatur and the truck was doing it's best to act like a washing machine out of balance. We went to a Goodyear and the guy didn't have the tires we needed, but he was kind enough to call the Goodrich store to see if they had them. They did, so we went there.
When we got there, there was an old dude and two guys. Jessie was one of them and this other guy was the other. Jilli went in the store and of course, you know where the old dude and Jessie's helper went. I stayed out there and flirted hopelessly with him.”
“How'd you know he was interested?”
“His eyes. He'd smile and glance and smile again and act like a stud. What you don't know is that truck of mine sits up too high to use a normal jack and for a semi jack, it'll lift the whole side of the truck, so it's real nuts.
What we ended up having to do was lay a eight by eight wooden block on the car jack and lift it. Well, the block fell off and finally, I went under to hold it on as he pumped it up.
I thought I heard him say, “What an amazing ass!” And I asked, “What's that?” He said, “Perfect, it's just perfect.”
When I came out, the flirting happened again and we got the two tires repaired on the ass end of it. So, I thought we were ready to go.
What they did was he charged me forty for the first tire and thirty for the second. I made a joke and said, “If we come back, do I get the next one for twenty?! And he said, “Let's hope not!”
Well, all the while we were there, I'm eating these boiled peanuts. They're real good because they've got this cajun seasoning on them which is better than barbecue and little did I know I'd pay hell for it the next day because they'll give you the trots something fierce.
So, I collected Jilli and she gave everyone a hug and autograph before we left. She came out and Jessi said, “I don't know which one of you looks more perfect, you're famous and he looks like he should be famous.”
She turned and smiled and said, “Little brother, you've got a live one here. You make 'em and I'll break 'em.”
He laughed, “I can see her saying that. You know for such a nice girl, she could be mean and have people hating her and then turn on the charm and have everyone loving her.”
“Yeah, but here's where it gets funny. We drove off and we go down the street and don't get ten fucking blocks away and the driver's front goes flat.
Now, I was with that truck the whole time. I know they didn't do anything to it, but it was ironic because Jilli said, “Of all the places this thing would make us stop, it's a fucking Wiener Palace!” I looked over and sure as shit, it said, “Wiener Palace!” and had a hot dog on the front! So, we turn around there and we limp back.
When we get there, she goes inside and I go in the back and catch him playing pocket pool. He turned looking guiltier than hell and looked shocked to see me.
I said, “When you get done with that, I need that twenty dollar tire.”
“What happened?”
“The passenger front went flat in front of the Wiener Palace. Then I come back and see you trying to flog the log.”
“I come back here to think sometimes.”
I said, “It'd be a good place to choke the chicken.”
He laughed and we went out front. Jilli came out and said, “Thank God we didn't get far down the street, that would've ruined that wheel!”
He smiled and said, “He really wanted to come back and see me.”
She smiled and said, “I think you're right because he didn't even stop at the Wiener Palace. He came right back here like you were on the brain.”
She went in and he asked, “She sure seems to be trying to tell me you're gay.”
“I am, but she's trying to tell me you're hot and if she can't get you, she wants me to have you.”
“Is that what's she saying?”
“Yeah, she's my sister. I'm older, but smaller, so I get called 'Little Brother' because I've got two younger brothers than me who are over six feet tall.”
He asked if where we were from and I told him. Then, I told him about trying to beat tornadoes and freezing rain and he made fun of me and said it didn't get much colder than that. Needless to say, I laughed hard because they got something like eight inches of snow the next day.”
Charley laughed, “I remember that! They had snow in New Orleans too!”
“Yeah, that was the storm we were trying to beat. What's bad is we finally got on the road and made it to Nashville where we were hitting the freezing rain and lots of traffic and wrecks. I took a short cut and we high tailed it on up the highway.
By the time we got to St. Louis, they had cars flying off overpasses and flipping all over the place and it was so cold the windshield and the truck was a solid block of ice except where the wipers were.
What made it hairy was the tires he put on were highway tread instead of all season like the other side. When I hit the brakes, it wanted to fishtail, but as long as I kept it moving forward, it was ok. Then, we get up here and it didn't look like it hardly did anything.”
“No, we missed a lot of bad storms. The farmers here are saying we're going to have a drought in the middle of everyone else having floods.”
“We'll get snow and rain come April. I remember us having a season like this and everyone said the same thing. Then, all of a sudden, when Easter came, we got like fourteen inches of snow and then we got lots of rain.”
“Let's hope your right. With this economy, if farmers start going under too, it's going to be real bad.”
“What's going to be bad is if we have some famine years. I've driven all over this country and I sort of wonder where anyone gets their food because all the farms now have houses in the fields.”
He nodded, “I'm going to do the laser while he's under. Do you want me to do a painting of these other off color teeth?”
“Yeah, do whatever it takes so they don't have to complain about them making their shots look bad.”
“I've got these crowns on. He's going to have some discomfort with them with hot and cold, so he needs to be aware of that.”
“I'm sure he's probably been having problems with them being bad like they are.”
“If he keeps up with the crack, he'll find they keep rotting under the caps.”
“I think that's done. I think him being able to speak his mind and not have to be worried about being in the closet is going to stop it.”
He nodded, “He'll need you there for him.”
“I'm getting him a cell phone on my plan. I don't want him to have his old phone because it's known by everyone.”
“How do I speak with Chuck?”
“My advice?”
“Yeah.”
“If you have the sex talk with your kids, it'd be an opening. During the talk, you can bring up the possibility of them being gay. You can bring up tolerance, acceptance, and you can bring up them being able to come to you and telling you anything and/or seeking advice. Whatever you do, you stress rubbers and you stress the responsibilities of their actions and behaviors. Tell them to be respectful, kind, caring, of their partners and giving to their partner and achieving satisfaction through their partner having his or her needs met.”
He smiled, “Ok, so be sure to say, his or her.”
“Yeah, but don't be so headset on thinking they're going to run right to you and say, “Hey Dad, I'm gay!” because they might not. It might be a phase, and it might be experimentation. Tell them it's ok to experiment and tell them it's ok to try things and if they need it, tell them you'll get them what they need.”
“Why?”
“Because you buying rubbers for them is a helluva lot better than you buying baby diapers for them. It's a life fucked up and it's certainly a lot cheaper to invest in some latex now than AZT cocktails later.”
He stared, “Oh man!”
“Charley, I used to go to the bar up in Quincy all the time. Back in the 80's, we all thought we were invincible because no one heard of anyone having it here. We lived in a bubble and until 87 or 88, we were safe.
Then, one man came in with it and I knew he had it. I warned people he had it and I got called a hateful bitch because I treated him like the murderer he was. He knew he had it and he knowingly went out and had sex with a helluva lot of people. THEN, suddenly, everyone had it and when they had it, they started dropping like flies.
By the time anyone acknowledged I knew what the hell I was talking about, I was in prison and they had a story in the Spotlight TV Guide in the paper about a guy having it. He made a comment in the story about being told and still going out with someone whom was known to have it.
What's bad is that shit is a time bomb. I can have sex with him and get it and the next night have sex with you and pass it along and not know I've got the shit. Rather than do that, I run safe and get tested all the damned time and show responsibility.
When you give them that rubber speech, you give them the speech about getting tested whether they're straight, or gay. It's free at the health department in Quincy and it's available out at Walgreen's.
I'll tell you I'd much rather pay nothing up in Quincy than pay the money for Walgreen's. I've heard some vicious stories about what they do and don't like it one bit.”
“What's that?”
“Let's say you, or I go to Walgreen's and get the test. Take it and then turn it in. They're SUPPOSED to be confidential. You're SUPPOSED to call in with a number and get your results.”
“Yeah, I've heard that.”
“Did you hear they've got the best fucking caller I.D. system in the world? Did you hear they cross reference your phone number with your prescriptions? AND, do you realize they sell that information to pharmaceutical companies?
How would you feel if you've taken a test and came back negative, but because you took that test, you're suddenly unable to get insurance?”
“Oh man!”
“Now doesn't the price of gas sound like a cheaper deal?”
“I can't believe they do that!”
“It's vicious. Insurance companies do some shit which hurt people. I'll tell you now, I absolutely hated one thing on my hospital bill and that's the money I paid for blood.
You might say it's life giving and saving, but when the Red Cross won't let me donate blood because I've had sex with a man, and then will let the man I had sex with donate because he didn't answer the questions truthfully, it's a fucked up mess.
Personally, I resent them saying, “You're gay, you can't donate” and then point to a junkie or wino and say, “You're straight, come on in!” That's why I hold a huge grudge against the Red Cross.”
“I can tell you're upset about it.”
“It's a bigoted organization. Our money is just as green as anyone else's when it comes to buying the shit, but isn't it strange there's no competition because I'd certainly pay for it from someone who took everyone's blood.”
While I was ragging, he was doing the laser treatment on Jaymes' teeth.
“Can I give you a piece of advice about that treatment?”
“Yeah.”
“When you're finished, use some of your mouthwash and swab their mouth out. It builds up a terrible taste in your mouth and it might sound bad, but the first thing I do when I leave here is go down and get a Coke at Wendy's in order to get that taste out of my mouth.”
He laughed, “You're too honest.”
“And you could save me that honesty by swabbing my mouth with some of that free Listerine you get by the case.”
“I'll put you a bottle out.”
“If you do, get that Wintergreen flavor. It's the best they've got. Well, that Cinnamon Crest has is pretty awesome too. It tastes like Dentyne.”
“I've never tried it.”
“You probably use the Crest they give you.”
“Yeah.”
“Ick.”
He laughed.
“Live dangerously, buy the red tube. It's better.”
“I'll get some.”
“When you do, be prepared to fall in love with your mouth. Now, do you use that Sonicare toothbrush you give coupons out for up front?”
“No.”
“The free ones?”
He smiled
“Damn Charley! I've got to teach you everything!”
We heard laughter from the hall.
I smiled, and said, “Here's why you should use the Sonicare. When you use it, it feels like you've had you clean your teeth. They're squeaky and they just feel good, however, when you put that one part against your teeth, it's like a fucking jackhammer entered your mouth.”
She came in laughing, “Charley, he's telling you the truth!”
She came over and put her hand upon the back of my neck and massaged, “Rhette, I love it when you come in because you're so refreshing.” She paused and asked, “Did you know your Mom and Dad were in here the other day?”
“Yeah, Mom said he's falling apart. She's about to ask for an extended warranty.”
She laughed, “I love them coming in. They're so in love with each other and so cute together.”
“She got lucky with him. They've been together forever and I'm proud to wear his name.”
Charley asked, “Why'd you change your name?”
“My real Dad was an abusive asshole. Mom divorced him and the abuse didn't stop. So, when she married my Dad, he became like a real father and showed us what it was like to live in a functional family instead of dysfunctional. I decided I wanted his name and asked. He adopted me and since then it's been great.”
“Did he adopt the others?”
“Mom left it up to us to decide. I started the avalanche and all but one of us got our names changed. My one brother who didn't, I love to death just the same, so there's no animosity.
To tell you there wasn't any animosity when my real Dad died, his entire family embraced my adopted Dad because of how often my real Dad talked about him and made references to their friendship.”
She asked, “They were friends?”
“Yeah, what my Mom and Dad won't tell you but I will is my Mom is the sort of person who doesn't kick someone out just because she divorced them. She continued to speak with my real Dad and he came around often enough they built up mutual trust and respect.
What's neat about it is my adopted Dad's ex and my Mom became close friends. She was the sort of person who didn't trust my Mom at first, but then grew to be friends with her.
When they died, we were all at their houses and we lost by their passing.”
“How'd they die?”
“Both died of cancers. My read Dad died of lung, liver, pancreatic, and brain cancer. It started in his lungs and spread.
My adopted Dad's ex died from lung cancer, but that's a mess because if I say that, you think she smoked. What happened was she had breast cancer and the fuckers fried her lungs with the radiation machine. She survived the breast cancer only to be killed by the treatment.”
She shook her head. “I know who you're talking about. I heard she was a hard woman.”
“She was hard, but she had to be. I'll tell you that woman was a stickler when it came to bookkeeping. She'd hold a receipt for a candybar she ate on the job and would write it off so she wasn't seen as a thief by her employer.
With me, when I do those books, I write off a lot because I don't go that far.”
Charley asked, “What do you mean?”
“Ok, there's a lot of stuff at the sign shop which we just give to the employees. I put it under that in the books and write it off.
I can't turn to BillyJoe Bob and ask, “How many soda pops did you drink out of the fridge last year?” Because that man's going to look at me like I just went insane.
Instead, I tell the Coke man to keep the diet Coke coming and in turn, I have him fill the fridge with Cokes. They take them and they drink them. It's the same for the Landshire man except I got to asking him for them by the case for one price because he was charging me more for them than I could've gotten at Walmart*. I told the man if I had to go to Walmart* to get them, he'd be hurtin' because I'd definitely open a sandwich company to make the things.”
Charley asked, “You'd go that far?”
“Heck, a bun costs something like twelve cents in those big packages. A burger patty precooked cost something like eighteen cents. The cheese up at Dot Foods cost something like six cent in the big package. For fifty four cents, I've got you a double cheeseburger just like them. I sure can get a vacuum sealer and the rolls of plastic to put them in and have the printer print me up some labels.”
“I guess I never thought about it costing that little. My kids eat them a lot.”
“Before we came here, Jaymes and I got to talking about the precooked eggs I buy which are microwavable. They come six in a package and they cost like thirty cents for the package. They're that eggbeater stuff, so there's no heart damaging stuff in it, but once again, it's about twenty five cents for a morning sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
You can see why I go to the wholesale places because if it weren't for my microwave, George Foreman, and chicken rotisserie, I'd be dead! That Electrolux stove sits in the kitchen here unused and now, I've even started going to the large bags of salad I can get up there.”
She sat down, “How much are those?”
“A fifteen pound bag is like five bucks. You get three times as much for the same price. I vacuum seal it in the baggies and it lasts long enough for me to eat it. However, once again, I use those eggs in it and still have of the grape tomatoes from the garden.”
“How?”
“How do I have them?”
“Yeah.”
“The key with those is storing them right. If you pack a bunch in gallon jars and fill them with water and put them in a refrigerator in your basement they last forever.
My Mom has even went as far to make them pickled in with her salad stuff.”
Charley asked, “This I've got to hear!”
“Ok, it's real easy when you think about it. You think about all you put in pasta salad and you grow it in your garden. You can buy the black olives and salad dressing by the gallon up there at Dot Foods for a dollar on their discount rack. So, you buy all you can because it will store forever.
Then, as the tomatoes, broccoli, and cauliflower come on, you cut them up into the little bite size pieces and you pack them in the gallon jars and put that salad dressing over it until it's filled. Then, you put in your cheese which can be bought for little or nothing up there.
When it's comes to the pasta, you can't freeze it for nothing because it turns to mush. However, if you put it in the jars and can it like you do everything else, it'll seal the lid and you'll have your salad already made.
What my Dad does to get the air out of macaroni they do like that is he takes it out and puts it on a picnic table and gets out his sander and puts it on the table. The vibration from it gets all the air out of the macaroni and then, she takes it in and cold packs it.”
I paused and said, “One thing I'll tell you is if you think ahead, you can save a lot of money. Mom buys almost everything up there now instead of at the store. She puts the Mustard into little jars she buys by the gallon for a dollar and then, she re-cans it so it's stored down in the basement. She does that with pickles, olives, and everything. It's all canned when she gets it and she just breaks it down and re-cans it.
Since you live so close out there Charley, you really ought to go up the hill and get your vegetables. She's got a volunteer tomato patch which is like an acre. This year, they had volunteer squash, pumpkin, tomatoes, cucumber, and watermelon and that wasn't done by chance.”
“What's that mean?'
“Ok, we learned by accident if you get a tomato patch growing, you're going to have volunteers every year if you leave the rotten ones where they grow.
By chance, my Dad took the seeds from pumpkins and threw them out on the front hillside. It's sloped, doesn't get mowed, and has way lots of sunshine, so they came up all over the place. He thought that was so neat, he took the seeds from watermelon and threw them out in a different spot on that embankment. They did the same with all the stuff which is now volunteer and their gardening is done out beside the highway on that big slope. Who needs to till and all that when it's all coming up volunteer!”
He laughed, “Oh man, we've got that one hill out there behind the house I hate mowing.”
“Here's the key. Plant that lespedeza grass seed there which doesn't grow very tall. That's what they've got out by the highway. It insures sunlight gets in and you've got plenty.
Now, let me tell you a trick you can do so you have plenty of mushrooms. As you know they grow wild in the woods. You go hunting for them and you find them, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Think about what you get from those woods like a tithe. Give back ten percent and you'll always have them. The key there is this. When you bring them in, take your ten percent and put them in a blender. Make a mush out of them and then take potting soil or good dirt from the woods and mix that mush in real good. Then, go back out and just sow it in the woods where you found them.
What that does is it puts them out more finely and replants them. The next year, you'll have gobs of little ones in that spot. Don't pick those because you want those to spore out and replant themselves. The next year, you'll need to go out with a black plastic trash sack to get them all.
The key to those is this. My Mom learned she can freeze them if she breads them up and starts them to frying like normal. Instead of getting them all the way done, she puts them out on paper towels and then puts them in tupperware on wax paper into the freezer. They're just as good as those you buy from the store in the freezer section. She also does that with the gallon cans of little button mushroom slices.”
He laughed, “Man, I'm learning a lot here!”
“You going to bring him up?”
“He's done. He's just got to wake up on his own. I've found if they get woke up, they've got a headache.”
“I'm really happy you did that today instead of making him wait. I want to tell you how much I appreciate it.”
“No problems. When can I get those pictures from you?”
“They're on the computer there. If you've got a cd, I can burn them off for you.”
He turned, “Sue, take a look at his house out in South Carolina.”
She went over to the computer and I opened the pictures, “Who's that?!”
“My fella out in South Carolina. He's waiting on me out there.”
She pointed at Jaymes, “So you two aren't together?”
“No”
“I thought you slept with him last night.”
“I did. I didn't say I broke out the Cialis. All I said was we slept.”
She laughed, “Oh boy!”
“You're a dirty minded girl.”
She said, “I would've done it, so I expected you to.”
“I would've if I didn't have him waiting.”
“He looks like that one guy who's a star.”
“Everyone says that and it's funny because he works over at the golf club and gets lots of tips from the old people because they think he is that guy, but went broke.”
“He's built really well!”
“He is. Hang on, I'll get into this other part and show you a photo with his shirt off.”
I went over to the other photos and opened them.
“You've got nudes in there!”
“Yeah, it's people I know. You'd be amazed at the dumb asses you know who put nudes of themselves on the web.”
“I know him! Man, he's packin'!”
“That's my cousin. The dumb ass was cheating on his wife in the bathroom of a truckstop with a man.”
“He sure was!”
“He deserves his picture taken and put on the web.”
Charley came over and said, “Well I'll be! That's Kevin!”
“Yeah, I found that picture and a lot more. He looks fucked up and stoned on something, but our friendship is over because of what he did.”
“What did he do?”
“Do you remember when Harold and I were shagging like bunnies out at the camp?”
“Yeah, every weekend for a year or so.”
“He made sure Harold's family got told. When Harold got his pecker bit off by that snapping turtle, Kevin went to Harold's family and told them someone slapped me in the back of the head and that's why his dick got bit off. Needless to say, Harold's Dad packed him up and moved him away to Nebraska.”
“Is that what happened to him?”
“Yeah, all because of that punk right there.”
“Man, where's Kevin now?”
“He wrote and said he's living in Georgia on a military base. I'd say he's still in the service. You don't know how tempted I've been to fuck up his retirement by sending his CO those pictures.”
I flipped another and she said, “That's you!”
“Me in a Speedo last Summer. My best friend's daughter took the photo and sent it to me because of Jessie standing behind me.”
“He's got a nice butt!”
“Yeah, here's a whole file of his pictures here.”
I flipped and said, “That's my butt. Kevin took that. And this is me in drag.”
“My goodness you look good!”
Charley came over, “How'd you make it look like you got breasts?”
“It's a water bra. It pushed in and takes your loose skin and puts it out there. I borrowed that outfit, but now I've got three of them like it.”
I opened the video and Charley said, “You look better in it than her!”
“Corey thought so too. We tried tricking him and as soon as he touched me, he knew it wasn't her.
Here he is.”
“That's her boyfriend?”
“Husband. They got married on the beach at Sunset. It was a mess. We set that up and then, the tide came in. By the time they finally said 'I do', they were knee deep in the water.”
“She and I really get along well. I'm planning on seeing them when I go to Vegas.”
I flipped again and it wasn't anything but pictures of me.
“That's it, all the rest are uninteresting.”
Charley asked, “Can I have some of those to show of the before and after?”
“Yeah, I'll get you some.”
I copied and burned onto the disc. Then, I opened the pictures of the house and let her watch them. My cell rang and I answered it, “Hello?”
“What are you doing?”
“Waiting on Jaymes to wake up.”
“He overslept?!”
“No, he's had five caps and the rest lasered and bonded. They look good.”
“Tell Charley I appreciate it.”
“I will.”
“Are you still coming for lunch?'
“Yes, we're not going to work out because I don't know how he'll feel, but we'll be there.
If you get there before we do and you see a cop, sit with him.”
“Why?”
“Just do it and get to know him.”
“Ok, but why?”
“Maybe you two can date.”
“What?!”
“I said I'd find you people and I am. Now, don't get all shy on me.”
“I wasn't aware this was going to be a blind date.”
“It wasn't until your mother called the cops on us. I decided to invite him since he did us a favor.”
“What's he like?”
“Cute, Single, and willing.”
He laughed, “Ok, I get the hint.”
“Consider it advantageous even in you two just become friends. I'm sure if you put out a distress call for help, he'll roll faster than the cops out where you live.”
“Ok, I'm understanding better. Has Jaymes met him?”
“Yeah, I think he was a little upset I didn't offer to set them up to date.”
“Oh! He must be nice looking!”
“He is, very much so.”
“What do you think Jaymes would want to eat?”
“I don't know. We went to Logues for breakfast and he got stuffed. If you go to McDonald's, you can get the salads. I'll buy if you pick them up.”
“No, I'll get them. I'm bringing the soccer team so I've got to leave soon and then be back to get them. Say, you do realize you guys can come over here and work out. Don't you?”
“Not as late as I do sometimes. I want to teach him he can come here and do the sauna and jacuzzi to sleep instead of relying on any drugs.”
“That's a good move. I appreciate this.”
“I know you do.”
“Well, I'll see you when you get there.”
“We'll be there on time. If I've got to wake him up, I'll do it to be on time.”
I got off the phone and smiled at Charley, “Jeff said to tell you a special thanks.”
He nodded, “Tell him I take their insurance out there.”
“Ok, but unfortunately, he's nineteen and out of the house. It stinks because if he were enrolled in college, he'd be able to get that coverage.”
“Let's go settle up.”
We went out and I ran my debit card through. They had me pay five thousand.
“Charley, I really want to thank you. IF you want me to speak at that thing you're giving, I will.”
“I offered to give one sometime but sure didn't count on wanting me for cadaver care! What's bad is I've never worked on a cadaver in my life...not even when I was going to school...and the first person I thought was that bad was you. I hope you're not offended.”
“No, I was nearly that bad. I know it, but I also know there's a reason I was put on this earth and if it's helping him in there, so be it.”
“I'd get a counseling certificate if nothing else. That way, you're covered.”
“I ought to. I'll have to see if I can get a MSW. I won't be able to ever use it due to the felony, but I never thought about using my friendship with the governor to get the needed pardon before he went out of office.”
“What was that all about?”
“What it's about is his personal life. He got emails from his lover at his office. He deleted them and then, got told ALL emails were considered part of the Sunshine Law. He sent out an email to all of us emailing him and told us to use another email address. THEN, they told him ANY email address he used while he was in office was considered to be open to it.
I'll tell you it's a part of the Sunshine Law, but I also think if a person is a public official, they're entitled to their privacy. They ARE a public servant, but they aren't to be considered a public slave. When people want to open the Sunshine Law up to include personal and private information, then it's went beyond what it was intended.”
“But they could be using their office to garner favors and give favors to friends and family.”
“Or they could be in a public office, be gay, and be married and be open enough with that woman to have her knowing. People found out he was gay and married and wanted to lynch him. That's it and that's what it was about.
What's good is he rode it out and he's now getting a governor's pension the rest of his life. His partner is now getting a pension the rest of his life and he's getting divorced as soon as the dust settles.
What I do think is when he gets that divorce, he's going to probably be public about his reasons and tell the state's citizens who wanted that lynching, “Up yours” in a polite and firm way. I do know they're not going to retire here, so it doesn't matter as long as the state doesn't attempt to stop those checks.”
“They won't. They can't, can they?”
“I doubt if it will happen. What I think is the man who got fired for causing it won't ever work in a legitimate law firm again in his life. I know word is out to let everyone know if he attempts to make application someplace and they'll start a phone campaign to that business telling them if they choose to hire him, they're not going to do business with them in the future.”
“That's pretty drastic, don't you think?”
“No, I don't think. I think if your son were to come here and be a dentist and then, some employee of yours wanted to go out to attempt a smear campaign against this place because he wanted to use the information for personal gain, would you fire him?”
“Yes.”
“Then, would you attempt to carry it forward so the man never got the ability to use information against his employer in the future?”
“I don't know.”
“Well, I would. You have to understand, the man was personally chosen to be in that inner circle by the man he chose to attack. If it happened to me, I'd feel that attack and I'd definitely let people know the violation which happened.”
“I'm understanding you better. I forgot he picked him to work for him.”
“That's what the state forgot also. They seemed to forget the man was hired and could be fired by the governor for any and all slights. If they wanted a state which was different, they need to change the laws and take us from an 'at will' to whatever.”
“What's that mean?”
“'At will' means you can walk in and fire whomever for whatever and they've got to go. They might have recourse to get unemployment insurance if they can demonstrate you had no basis, but if you can demonstrate basis by so much as saying, “The person didn't meet expectations”, then you're covered.
The only way it can go otherwise in this state is if they have a contract. I'll tell you now contracts are scary and I hate them.”
“Why?”
“Ok, let's say you've got Joe the Signmaker over here. Joe works his tail off and he's one of your best employees. He's been with you from day one and he knows his job. You decide to promote Joe and you give him a lead job. He excels and you're thinking, “Man, some day, I can retire and have Joe manage this for me.” Are you following me so far?”
“Yeah.”
“Now, let's say you decide to take some time off and you promote Joe up to your position. You call him in and you say, “Joe, I'm promoting you. You'll be a salaried employee and you'll do the same jobs you're doing now, but we'll work on the rest.
Then, you go out on the happy trail and you come back and you go out into the work area and there aren't any people working. Those who are working are screaming, yelling, and bitching at each other, and you recognize no one.
You go in and you ask Joe, “What's going on out there?”
He says, “Nothing.”
“You go 'Yeah, that's what I see. Now, tell me what's really going on'.”
He stares at you and you finally decide to go see who's missing and then, you go track them down and find out as soon as you walked out the door, Joe cut wages in half and then told them they had strict quotas to follow which were unreasonable. When a quota wasn't met, they were called into the office and they were given warnings, suspensions, and finally fired.”
“Oh man!”
“Yeah, you go back to Joe and you tell him, “Joe, it's not working out. You've ruined the company, violated employee trust, and you've made the place a mess. Get out.”
He leaves and the following morning, you're served because he's suing you for violation of contract. He's suing you for ten years and the retirement he would've received at the end of that ten years. He states he operated the company willfully and within the terms of that contract.
You look at the contract and you see if he has found the right lawyer, he can and will get ever damned dime he's suing you for because your contract sucks. You go to a lawyer and he tells you the same thing. His advice is to settle out of court.
The lesson learned is a little power is good for Joe, but a lot of power went to his head and he chose to show you how he would've competed against you had he started his own company. You find out he would've been out of business, but you're finding out with him performing his experiment with your company, your employees, and your money.
You pay Joe off, and then, you work the next fifty years trying to get the company back to what you had, but the trust is violated and your employee chemistry is nil.”
“Oh man!”
“What I do is I don't go with a contract. I promote Joe and I've got an open door policy which has them complaining to me if Joe violates them.
What else I do is I rotate workers so they're all over the place and they know all the jobs. They know Joe's job because he has them up there doing his job beside him giving them pointers and giving them dogs if they mess up.
The advantage of that is I've got seven hundred employees who can be a boss. I've got employees who all work hard and I've got them all knowing advancement is available.
What the big advantage of it is, is when I put another crew out there, they're trained for everything and they work as a team. No one gets big headed and no one gets dogged.
What you DON'T know is I am seriously thinking about opening some more sign shops. I miss it and it's in my blood. I love the potential it's got and I really love the money it rewards me.
What's great about it is I know I could go to the sign shop right now and tell some that I'm wanting to start another and they'd be racing to where I was going to open it because they like working for me in that capacity.”
“That'd hurt this one.”
“Wrong. This one is already hurting. The man doesn't know how to make it work and instead of promoting from within the person who could've made it tick, he promoted from without and then never asked the person who could've managed it to help the person he put in. So, you've got a stranger in there working them, and not rewarding them. It's now about the dollar to them and he's already lost business.”
“Oh man.”
“Yeah, but what I've learned is I'm able to buy the franchise out in the Charleston area for little of nothing and the one in Savannah for the same little of nothing. They can't get a scope on how to make it pay and it's a shame because they really have no clue all it takes is them working the phones and calling major customers and getting them to sign on.”
“What's that mean?”
“Ok, let's say I go in and buy them out for ten million a piece. Then, let's say I go like they do and only operate the signs which are up and don't build a pool up of accounts. What you'll see in fifty years is the same signs and no more accounts than what I bought.
However, when we built this, we bought the signs and then made ourselves go out and sell them to accounts. After a year, we had a lot of local trade, but no huge accounts.
What I figured was if the mountain wasn't coming to Mohammed, I'd certainly find out why. All it took was one phone call to Pepsi over in Quincy to find out they didn't even know I existed. So, they ordered ten signs for yearly contracts and that got the ball rolling because I started calling huge corporations nationwide and you'd be amazed at how I got the business in. Suddenly, we were in the money and needing more signs.
What happened next was I called and found out I needed to order by a certain date because they were going to a spot pricing system instead of a flat rate.”
“What's that mean?”
“It means today, that sign costs you ten thousand dollars. The post costs you five thousand and longer posts cost you more. Tomorrow, those signs cost you whatever the cost of the metal is and that ten thousand, so it could be a fifty thousand dollar sign instead of ten.”
“Oh man!”
“Yeah, now what I had was a tee in the road and had to decide if I wanted to go safe and order as many as I could before the price skyrocketed, or I could take my chances and see if the price of metal kept them the same.
What happened was Kevin and I ordered fifty of them and I set about selling them before they got there. I got them sold and we went out with the contracts in hand and I went three million into debt and ordered two hundred more signs.
When they got there, we set about getting them put up and we really worked hard. You saw me out with a shovel in my hand digging post holes and you saw any man who could hold a welding device making the cages which went in those holes for concrete to be poured.
When they got planted, they had the banners put up and we had in the side of three months quadrupled our business.
Where it changed was I got told by some of my guys they thought we could make those signs just as good if not better for considerably less than what we paid. I answered the challenge by telling them to do it. They asked for thirty thousand in machinery and I bought it. They made the sign and what you don't know is we deliberately set about ruining the thing.”
“Why?”
“Ok, here's what you have up there in that sky. You've got a huge picture frame which is steel which gets bolted together to make that sign. We welded our bolts because I didn't want them to fall apart. It made them stronger, but when they got blown down, we had to totally rebuild them and put up new ones.
What we learned from the blow downs was we had bought some really cheaply made signs. They weren't good, so when we decided to make them, we wanted a sign which could be blown down and have minimal damage.”
“Did you get it?”
“Oh yeah. Rather than channel steel, we went with three inch tubing which is the same as what you'd see in an exhaust system for my truck out there. Rather than having a flat panel, we went with corrugated tin. All it has to do is be a back panel so it doesn't flutter, so anything could work.
We used the same steel pipe as the outers for the mounts and the end result was we built a sign for six hundred dollars that we'd paid ten thousand for elsewhere.”
“Oh!”
“So, as I said, we set about trying to destroy the thing. We tipped it at thirty feet and then, we tipped it at seventy five feet on both soft and hard surfaces. One racked, so we put in stiffeners which cost us about forty dollars. Then, we did the test again and then, we set about making them two sided so one sign could hold up two and then, we found if it went into a fifty mile an hour wind or greater, it'd twist. Someone suggested stiffer walled tubing and then, someone else said, “Let's put sand in the tubing before we weld it!” So, we did and what happened was that tubing suddenly became a lot heavier, but it was like putting a three inch solid rod up there instead of hollow. Ours now can withstand over a hundred mile an hour winds.”
“Goodness!”
“What's great about it is I advertised in the trade magazine and made the ad say, “Finally, a low cost alternative which is stronger, less expensive, and will offer you insurance it won't come down!”
“Insurance?!”
“Yeah, I guaranteed the thing for a year. I told them to put them up down in hurricane country and I challenged mother nature to give them hell. She did because we had three hurricanes and not a single unit came down! What happened, was I changed the ads. I started toting, 'five hundred up, three hurricanes, and none down. Our competitors are crying!'”
He laughed, “You're a showman!”
“Yeah, but we got a website which videoed them and we videoed the tests and used the video we had of our blow downs to show what happened in live incidents of theirs at that same height. What was great was a Miami news crew went live with The Weather Channel and was showing them driving down the highway during a hurricane. He was talking about the wind being a hundred and thirty miles an hour in gusts and I could tell they were our signs due to the rounded corners instead of square. You KNOW I was on the phone instantly with them begging to use that footage!”
He laughed, “I would be too!”
“They let us and I put it on the website.
What's crazy was Lamar did an independent analysis of how many of their own signs came down and how many of ours did and they found the rate to be alarming.
What I mean is it's crazy is they played right into our hands. They ordered theirs to be made stronger and they put it in their magazine they were now ordering theirs to be made stronger but not admitting ours were the reason they were making theirs stronger. I put the quote from the man interviewed in our ad and you should have seen our sales take off.”
“I bet!”
“Within three years, we went from making none to making almost three quarters of the new signs put up a year. What was great was I put those jumbos up and we fabricated the mounts for it and right after we did, the sign company in Miami asked if we would build the mounts and asked if we'd guarantee them. I was able to tell them we built them, but I'd not guarantee the jumbo, but I would guarantee the mount. Suddenly, they had sixty of them ordered and I had our mounts out with extreme loads on the things.”
“Whats that mean?”
“Ok, what you don't know is when the wind blows at ten miles an hour, you have a load on a sign. For each additional mile an hour, you have a load on the sign go up exponentially.
At sixty miles an hour, that sign is taking the force of a vehicle traveling sixty miles an hour going both directions with a chain attached to that sign and being made to be brought to a stop with that chain.
To prove the point, we did all sorts of stupid stuff to that mount. We hit it with a wrecking ball with our crane. We dropped wrecking balls on it. We hooked two of our trucks to it with chains and played tug o'war, and then, I had a guy I know on the railroad hook a chain to a locomotive and try to pull it down. What's funny is he spooled that thing up and it wouldn't move!”
“Oh man!”
“We bent the shit out of sheer bolts with that test, but the mount held solid. AND, it was all caught on tape and put on that website!”
He laughed, “Oh man!”
“What's great is we gained a following on the site and people started sending zany emails asking us to try other shit. The most popular was hooking a dragster to it and what we did was we got Brian and put his Camaro to it and had him do it. Then, we hooked a truck for a truck pull to it and then, we got the MudDog monster truck up here and paid ten grand to have him put it on the sign and pull. Of course, it went nowhere, but it was great for publicity.”
“Could you build them?”
“I hold the patents and I hold the trademarks to the names of them. My lawyer advised me to do it and in the sales contracts, it grants them rights to manufacture them, but not exclusive rights to make them. Therefore, I can begin manufacturing them and what you don't know is I'll improve them so they're lit from within instead of without.”
“Really?”
“As I was telling him, LEDs are some amazing things. We can put them in on that corrugated metal and it will light them for about the same wattage as about one sixty watt bulb.”
“That's pretty good!”
“Yeah, I'm excited about all the things because all it takes is a little imagination and suddenly, you're an inventor and capable of making millions of dollars.”
He smiled, “Do you remember how you and your brothers did that with your motorcycles? I was amazed at how you were inventing things with them back then. I saw some of the same things you did to those frames of them in a tube of metal we put up in our garage to hold shelves. I thought to myself then, “I wonder if Rhette or his brothers patented this? And if so, I wonder if they're making any money off it?”
“No, we didn't, but I've seen it a lot too. What's bad is we eventually had too many holes drilled in those frames and they got weak, but we really did make them lighter!”
He laughed, “You were nuts on that motorcycle! Your trophies were so many!”
“But my heart wasn't in it. It was terrible because what started out as enjoyment became a lot of hard work and something we had to do instead of wanted to do. BUT, let me tell you something which really got my heart racing.
My brother's got a little boy. He explores all over the farm and my other brother took him out for a walk and he spotted the motorcycles. Suddenly, they had it out and the pride in seeing that baby wanting to do it was just incredible. The one thing I said was, “If he does it, make sure he WANTS to do it and isn't made to do it.”Mom went in the house over that comment, but my brothers understood.”
“What happened?”
“My Mom is where we get competitive spirit. However, she became a stage mother out there on those tracks. She's have us out there walking the track and she'd kick holes and ruts in the dirt and say, “I want that tire here. IF it's over here, I'll put that damned thing back on the trailer and you'll sit out the rest of the day.
When we went over jumps, it had to be out so far and it had to be at certain spots instead of other places. If we messed up a landing, it became reason to get our butts jumped. If we came in second, we were told to park it and not race again that day. It was all about winning and second place wasn't good enough any more.”
He shook his head, “That's wrong. Kids are supposed to be kids.”
“What's bad is with her, everything was a competition. When we moved out to the country, the motorcycles got parked as my Dad didn't want us chasing and scaring livestock.
When they started hunting, I was asked if I wanted a rifle. There was a big part of me which wanted one, but then, I looked at the motorcycle and told myself if they bought it and I didn't get something killed with it, I'd be ostracized and made to stay home with it. One of my other brothers felt the same way and we sat it out.
Sure enough, they went hunting and Mom became a competitive sports person. She'd get her deer and she'd get her turkey and she'd always bag her limit on whatever and she'd ask, “Why didn't you get yours? Don't you want to hunt?”
Well, within a year, that got old fast. My brother who had gotten a rifle unloaded it and shoved it at her and went and sat in the truck. I think that was the last time he's been hunting and it's sitting in the gun case at home probably rusting away.”
“I know they hunt over there because it sounds like a war zone during season.”
“Yeah, my Mom and Dad both go out and bang bang shoot 'em up. They get everything they're allowed to get and in return, I go out and process them for them.”
“How can you do that?”
“Easy. Once it's dead and hanging, it's all meat. My Dad showed me how to do it and then, I found a sawzall is an amazing piece of equipment when you're processing meat.”
“Why?”
“Normally, they use hack saws and it's terrible, wet, and takes forever. With a sawzall, I can cut them into chunks and process all the rest of it into small pieces for the dogs and have nothing but head, hide, and hooves in less than thirty minutes each.
With the way it is now here, you're allowed to get x amount for the amount of property you own. They've got acres and acres, so they can have a ridiculous amount of them. That's why you hear war happening because they're out there getting that limit.
I will say I've had a part in it with my inventiveness. At first, I'd see them all getting ready and think, “How dumb. It's snowy out and they look like a huge pile of leaves.” So, I made a comment about them going out with sheets and looking like the snow. My Mom did it and she had them walking right beside he to the point she was too close to shoot them! Where my Dad didn't use his and didn't see one. That night, he went out with a sheet and had them there.
What they figured was a sheet helps keep the scent of a person in under it instead of out floating in the air and telling them something is strange there. There's a faint trace where they walked in, but it's helping to do more than camouflage them.”
“I never thought of that! I'll tell my brother. He's a hunter, but me, I could care less.”
“I love the meat, but I hate hunting. I love walking in the woods, but I hate the ticks and bugs. So, you're more apt to see me out on a four wheeler instead of walking.”
“And you guys sure have the four wheelers!”
“Yeah, they do. My Dad saw the first three wheeler as a way of replacing the horse on a farm. He sold the horses and began running the place with a three wheeler. Then,Mom got a four wheeler and us kids learned how to jump them and do some really insane things with them. Now, my Dad has one of those Suzukis with a roll cage because of what happened to Brian down there.”
“Wasn't that terrible?!”
“Insane. But since then, I've heard of four other accidents involving four wheelers and guard rails.”
{Author's note:} Brian was driving down the shoulder of a highway and hit a rut. Yes, he shouldn't have been on the highway period, but in rural areas, it's safer and faster to travel a road than a path...notice I said road and not a shoulder.
Well, the rut threw him and when it landed, the soft pillowy tires caught and the four wheeler went one way, and he went airborne and landed on a guard rail.
You'd think the damage would be bad if you were walking and fell on a guard rail, but at speed, a guard rail will act like a big serrated blade and cut you open. He caught it across his stomach and it gutted him. He lived miraculously, but he had to have something like a year in the hospital and umpteen surgeries due to infections and all sorts of things.
Back to the story.
“Yes, and that one woman out there on 168 rolled it over on herself and froze to death getting the mail.”
“It takes riding them responsibly. I know accidents happen, but accidents tend to happen more when you're not being careful. I have a policy if it's not a path or a road, I'm not driving on it. I'll get off and walk, but I'm not going to walk far. My cousin rolled one over on him and was out for a long time. We found him but it was only because he was on a path.”
“What happened to him?'
“They called it a tear in his spinal sheath instead of a broken spinal cord. He broke his back and he's able to walk now, but it took a lot of rehab. Fortunately,Mom and Dad's insurance is really good and covered it.”
“Oh man! Did they get cancelled?”
“No, but the insurance man frowned. I think if there's any other accidents out there, they'll be told they can't have the four wheelers on the policy.”
“They're lucky. Let's get in and sit with him.”
I went in and sat on the stool instead of the chair and Charley sat in the chair.
He smiled, “Why'd you sit there?”
“That chair is uncomfortable. I like sitting when I've got back support and that is terrible.”
“I never sat on one. I understand what you're meaning. I'll have to get new ones.”
“I put my hand on Jaymes' and he woke up. “Uh, wha...what's happening?!”
“You're done.”
“How'd it go?”
“Look in the mirror!”
Charley said, “Wait a moment and let me get that stuff off you before you sit up.”
He went over and removed everything and I asked, “Are you in any sort of pain?”
“No, my mouth feels funny, but it's not because of pain. It feels like I've got suet in it.”
I looked at Charley, “Some Listerine would be good about now.”
“Ok Rhette! Point well taken!”
Jaymes asked, “What's that mean?”
“I told him when he uses the laser, it burns off what's on your teeth and it makes your mouth taste like whatever burned. I told him he should have a swab with Listerine so it doesn't taste bad.”
He nodded as Charley handed him a small cup of Listerine. He swished and spit. Then, he rinsed and spit and then asked, “Can I see them now?”
Charley said, “Sure!”
He got up and we went out to a mirror in the hallway. He did the show your teeth smile and then smiled for real. “They're nice!”
“You look your old self with them now.”
Charley said, “Treat them good and see me in six weeks for a checkup. IF you should happen to have troubles with the caps, let me know.”
Jaymes asked, “Will I have pain?”
“You shouldn't, but take Tylenol or Aleve if you do, then call me and I'll get you a prescription called in.”
Jaymes turned to me, “You said it was going to hurt. It doesn't hurt!”
“You were under. You never saw the heavy equipment roll in and out.”
Charley laughed, “You're awful!”
“I can't help it you swept up the tire tracks.”
Jaymes smiled and this time, he showed teeth. Charley said, “Much better, I saw some teeth with that smile.”
Jaymes asked, “What next?”
“We run and hope he can't catch us to get the money.”
Charley laughed, “I'm standing here! You know!”
Jaymes laughed, “I bet repossessing them would be a real pain.”
Charley said, “We make payment arrangements. You miss a payment, I call in my whole army of tooth fairies to get them.”
I said, “You just remember I'm closer to those fairies than you. We stick together like thieves!”
He laughed, “Ok, I guess we'll have to let this one go.”
Jaymes looked surprised, “Really?!”
Charley said, “He's already paid. You're free to go.”
I went over and hugged him. “Thanks.”
He whispered in my ear, “You two make one hot couple.”
“Well, things aren't what they can be.”
We left and I said, “We've got one stop before we go to the Y.”
“What's that?”
“ You've got to have a hair cut.”
“I get mine cut at Curlies.”
“Too late, Liz at the Scissor Shack has the appointment already made. While you are getting the whack attack, I'm going to be down in the basement getting into the Caribbean Coffin and getting myself looking like I'm not a vampire.”
“I need to do that.”
“Yes, but one thing at a time. Your priority will be a cut because you're looking longish.”
He smiled, “Can I get it dyed?”
“Yeah, but only fashion colors. No pastels, paisleys and patterns are definitely out.”
He laughed, “You're deliberately trying to make me laugh.”
“Your looks went up about five thousand points. You are now a five thousand and ten.”
He smiled, “So you thought I was a ten before?”
“Yes, but when you gain thirty, you'll be a forty.”
He laughed, “What happened to the five thousand?”
“It went into your mouth for the teeth. We'll stick to little numbers.”
“I really want to thank you.”
“That's ok, let's make a deal, if you go back to using crack, you need to agree to have a tattoo done which says, “I owe my smile to Rhette and this worn out body to crack. None of me belongs to me anymore.”
“I'm not going to do it anymore.”
“Or any at all because I care.”
“I know you do.”
“No, that's what I want you to say about yourself. I do care about you, but until I get you to caring about yourself, my jobs nowhere near being done.'
“I don't want your job to be done. I like being with you.”
“Well, let's get your hair cut and me a bit darker and then, we'll go out and make them see how you can smile.”
“Are we going to work out?”
“I cancelled it because I wasn't sure if you'd be in pain. Until the anesthetic wears off, I think we need to go light so you're not overdoing it.”
We went into the shack and Liz said, “Baby! I've missed you!”
“I've missed you too tits...I mean toots.”
Jaymes busted out laughing.
“Who do we have here?”
“This is Jaymes. He's my wannabe and right now, he wants to be cut and dyed. I told him to get whatever he wants, but no pees.”
“Pees.”
“Yeah, paisleys, patterns, prints, pastels, and polka dots.
She laughed, “I've got the booth open for you. It's the one with the camera in front of it. You're welcome to get naked and put on a show for me.”
I laughed, “You didn't mention a boombox for my inspiration.”
“Damn! I knew I was forgetting something! Can you just fake it this time?”
“With a woman, I'd have to fantasize it was a man hon. That'd be an academy award performance of faking it!”
“You just pucker and say, “Oh Liz” before that moment and I won't know the difference!”
Jaymes was looking at us and going, “I don't know who's worse!”
We both pointed, “She is!” and then laughed.
I said, “On a serious note, I want him to have something easy to care for because I'm getting his Dad over here and getting him something identical. They're close enough to being twins I want them in pictures looking like they are.”
“Oh man! That's going to be cool!” Jaymes said.
“I'm thinking you guys could do a lot of things together. Ads where they need fathers and sons or older and younger are going to be great. It could be we could get you on that one show as characters where one is older and the other is younger.”
“Closed Case Files. I like that show!”
Liz said, “Rhette, that's going to be neat. Are you for real about that?”
“I've got someone who is getting them a famous photographer lined up. With the right push, they could do a lot. Could you imagine a remake of the “Courtship of Eddie's Father”?”
“You can remember that?”
“Honey, I saw reruns and that boy was cute! He's probably old fat and bald now, but I watched it because I thought he was adorable.”
Jaymes asked, “What's he talking about?”
Liz said, “There was a show hon....”
By then, I was going down the steps to the tanning beds.
The next thing I knew Jaymes was waking me up. “Do you realize you fell asleep in there?!”
“I hadn't until you woke me up asking that stupid assed question!”
He laughed, “Ooh, my little bear woke up grumpy!”
“Nice doo goldie locks.”
He laughed, “That was good! I'm almost impressed. Why are you naked?”
“Because it doesn't give you an all over tan if you wear clothes.”
“Doesn't your dick get burned?”
“Does it look burned?”
“No, it looks like you enjoyed your dream!”
“For some damned reason, I was having a dream about fairy tales. Then I woke up and saw your front. Turn around so I can finish the dream and make it a wet one.”
“I'll go back upstairs and tell Liz you woke up horny.”
“Don't you dare! She'll come down here!”
I grabbed my clothes and got dressed. By the time he had her downstairs, I was putting on my Doc Martins.
“Oh shoot, I missed it! He said you woke up from having horny fairy tale dreams.”
“I didn't realize there was an evil step mother in goldie locks and the three bears. I guess there was.”
“Ooh, you're still grumpy, so it must be snow white.”
“It's all tan, so it means I fell asleep.”
I stood up and asked, “What do I owe you hon?”
“From the nearest I can figure, about several thousand orgasms if you're keeping up with all I've had fantasizing about you!”
I laughed, “I'll catch you up in the next life when I'll arrive straight. I promise you a date then.”
“Damn, one life early!”
“Tis the sexual frustration of a glamour queen.”
“You're sure quick with the comebacks today.”
“I was chasing him in the dream.”
“Oh, did you catch him?!”
“I'd just caught him when he woke me up. IF he'd only woke me up a hour and a half by now, he would've been satisfied.”
“His daddy would've woke you up then for being late.”
“Oh man, we gotta go! His Dad is bringing the soccer team to the steam bath.”
She laughed, “I take it that means it looks good?!”
“One of them is at least. He says there's several latins on the team.”
“There are. Which do you have the hots for?”
“The one who's a perfect ten in the showers.”
“You've seen him in the showers?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Does he swing a bat for your team?”
“I don't know, but it's a nice bat.”
“If you get a chance, tell him your beautician wants to run her fingers through his hair. If he fails to bite, he's yours.”
“Definitely. I like those who are gentle with the nibbles.”
She laughed and said, “It's sixty eight dollars counting the tip.”
“Damn girl!”
“Hey, what can I say? He wanted the same shampoo and conditioner you use.”
“I use Suave from the Dollar Tree!”
“Not when I'm making a sale toots!”
“Ok, I've learned a long time ago never to piss off the one who makes you beautiful. It can lead to ugly experiences.”
I pulled out my card and said, “Swipe it. We gotta put it in haul.”
“Be careful going by Wilcox. They say he's sitting in there running a radar trap.”
“Ok, thanks. I'll go Country Club and get over there faster.”
She swiped the card and ripped the paper. “There you go hon.”
“Thanks love, I'll see you when I'm in next.”
“Yes, when will it be?”
“The weekend before Easter. I've got to speak with the bunny about why it lays eggs. It's obviously a hare confused.”
“Ooh, I've got to use that!”
I went out the door and got in the truck. “Put your seatbelt on. We've got to fly.”
I drove and put the foot in it. When I got to Country Club Avenue, I made the diesel growl.
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Welcome To Retta's Gay Romance Archive
Welcome To Retta's Gay Romance Archinve!
Hi! If you made it this far, you're here!
I'd like to Thank You for coming. So, sit back, take a load off and rest yourself. You'll see a lot, read a lot, and enjoy yourself...I'm sure.
Here at Retta's Place, you'll get to see the latest stories I've written, see what's on my mind...because I'm very vocal... AND, you'll get to see what I'm doing on the web and in life.
If you joined us from RettaMichaels.com, Thank you for coming to us from there. It's something I've done which I'm happy to finally have gotten accomplished, so consider it a feather in my cap!
Hi! If you made it this far, you're here!
I'd like to Thank You for coming. So, sit back, take a load off and rest yourself. You'll see a lot, read a lot, and enjoy yourself...I'm sure.
Here at Retta's Place, you'll get to see the latest stories I've written, see what's on my mind...because I'm very vocal... AND, you'll get to see what I'm doing on the web and in life.
If you joined us from RettaMichaels.com, Thank you for coming to us from there. It's something I've done which I'm happy to finally have gotten accomplished, so consider it a feather in my cap!
